<![CDATA[Boice Counseling for Couples - News/Blog]]>Tue, 02 Dec 2025 16:47:10 -0500Weebly<![CDATA[Vulnerability Protects the Relationship]]>Mon, 20 Oct 2025 18:18:35 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/vulnerability-protects-the-relationshipThat act of defending ourselves-  that is not protection, but it looks like it.

When we take off our masks, it hurts.

We think the masks protect us and hide our wounds. Think about all the pain, trauma, abandonment fear, loneliness, and broken dreams that are in there. Maybe there’s flashbacks, nightmares and repetitive thoughts.

When you see somebody facing their fears do you envy their courage? Do you feel closer?

Do you envy their ability to speak their truth, no matter how messy and chaotic?


Another related concept:
Fight for me
Everyone deserves to be fought for, to have a place where they feel safe, to be seen for who they really are, not judged by their past. We all deserve a place where we can be supported, healed, and feel life returned to us. So be who you truly, authentically are. Fight for the inner you and for your partner. As you and your partner are more real, more vulnerable watch how easy this becomes.
 
There are people in places that will support, love and empower you more than you ever thought possible.
Because, in the end, were all in this together.
 
You have more power and control than you ever thought.

Here is an Audio that might help with that process:
https://archive.org/details/must-you-respond-poorly-to-bad-behavior-bad-communication-in-a-relationship
 
You have a few tools already. You might be learning or practicing or honing more. If you are interested in more extensive reading and workbooks, I have a few workbooks on payhip and a couple more in-depth ones that help with healing after an affair.]]><![CDATA[September 19th, 2025]]>Fri, 19 Sep 2025 11:02:22 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/september-19th-2025Tips and Tricks For Trauma Tapping (continued)

BiLateral Stimulation for “positive beliefs” was a few blogs ago

Go ahead and tap left right left right left right - What’s the positive belief that you identified?
 
Notice what could assist you in relieving tension or discomfort around this future scenario. Tap left then right for 30 to 60 seconds.

What did you identify that could assist you?
 
Challenge: Visualize yourself facing your fear and engaging in the thing that scares you.

Notice how you are reacting differently, responding differently and being present in the future moment the way that you want it to be.

Take 30 to 60 seconds to fully envision it and tap left right left right left right
 
Is it worth the pain, the effort, the resources?
 
Gratitude
Many people when they look back at this moment, they do so with gratitude and significantly less bitterness. That often indicates a level of healing. They wish the pain had not been there and they simultaneously realize that the pain motivated them to create a life that works better for them. Some people invalidate their own beliefs and feelings.

Challenge: Imagine that you get to create a new life, a new boat and what you sail away. You get to embark on a new journey, the wreckage and waves in the past help you prepare for the new voyage.

Your new boat does not ensure your own safety and survival, but it has the potential to offer life rafts to other survivors just like you, trying to find their way out of the storm.

You are never alone in your pain. Never.
 
Helpful narrative
One narrative that helps some people is “We live in a broken world where life can be messy hurtful and confusing. The pain is all consuming sometimes. The pain feels vast and heavy and at times insurmountable. You may wonder if you can find the peace that you’re searching for. You may feel alone in the way that you respond and struggle with things alone in the shame the stress in your fear. You might even think that you’re the only one who feels this way. You might think that no one can relate to it or accept you if they knew what you were dealing with.”
 
Become a life raft for yourself.
 
Direct and indirect communication hacks on audio https://archive.org/details/communication-traps-direct-and-indirect-couples
 
Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.

I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.

​Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”]]><![CDATA[What Do You Want to Tell Yourself About the Affair?]]>Fri, 19 Sep 2025 10:58:55 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/what-do-you-want-to-tell-yourself-about-the-affairRemember: You have some options
What do you want the narrative of your story to be?
 
Positive belief
Focus on the elements of the future that feel uncomfortable or overwhelming, and think of a positive belief that you would like to have regarding the situation.

Challenge: Can you see beyond the present moment? Are you able to picture life being better?

Pretending
Some people bypass the emotions and pretend the hurt did not happen. They want to move on without earning that right to move on. That is what we call pretending. You have to do the work to get the goodies.

Why not increase your connection and see where it leads? Audio
https://archive.org/details/increase-your-emotional-connection-every-week
 
Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.

I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.

Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”
​]]><![CDATA[Secret of Change]]>Fri, 19 Sep 2025 10:51:47 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/secret-of-changeLet's get back up to speed so you can have the maximum benefit.
Remember this one?

Do you know the secret of change?
“Focus all of your energy, not fighting the old, but on building the new.” Dan Millman
One mistake most of us make is to bite off more than we can chew. Imagine how successful you would be if you focused on just one change right now, not 3-5 or more. One new change per month can be sustained and in a year, you have 12 new habits!

 
Don’t stay there

Acknowledge the pain, don’t drown in it. Don’t avoid it or pretend it never happened. Don’t focus on it for hours each day. It hurt and you want to heal, that is the lesson the pain is teaching you- something has to change. Do it with self-compassion!

https://archive.org/details/empathy-compassion-forgiveness-gratitude-and-criticism-for-couples
Audio (free with my voice) for Empathy, Compassion and Criticism
 
Build the new relationship you want with your partner or create a new life with the wisdom you acquired.

Step by step, like building a new house, create a relationship that serves you. Think about what was lacking and turn that complaint into a positive statement. “I want a relationship where we promptly talk about what is bothering us instead of letting it build up.” “I want to be able to predict when we will talk and feel close emotionally and physically.”


All of your energy goes to creating, not wallowing.

Please note that I am in the process of compiling resources for couples (self help style) who are going through the process of healing from an affair. We know so much and if we can disseminate that information, many people will have the opportunity for profound healing.

Check me out on Payhip and please know I am adding more as I finish editing. I don't want a polished, perfect resource- that leads us to believe that we have to be perfect to benefit or be worthy. My thought is that you would rather I was real and authentic with you instead of pretending that everything is polished. Let's get information out there rather than wait until everything is perfect. 

Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.

I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.
Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”
​]]><![CDATA[Back to our Affair Series]]>Fri, 19 Sep 2025 10:45:06 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/back-to-our-affair-seriesThe affair is not the end of the story (Recap)

(SITE KEEPS CRASHING, I apologize and thank you for your patience)

Let's see, where did we leave off?

Yes, the affair does not have to be the end of the story.

It might be the end, but it does not have to be. Sometimes, after an affair, it transforms the relationship, the person; it served as a wakeup call. Create, from scratch, the type of relationship you want to be part of. Be aware and conscious of what you are creating and why.
 
Inventory
Ask yourself what you truly want in a relationship and work for it.
 
What is in your control?
Grow
Intentionally redefine the past and be selective in the battles you choose.
Be mindful and don’t give energy and time to areas in your life that do not need your attention.
Find things that will lead to growth and potential and set your soul on fire.
Pay attention to what happens with your empathy, compassion, loving-kindness, and humility. Your appreciation and gratitude for things has the potential to be magnified if you can see your experiences as guideposts not hitching posts.
You faced your fears and have gone into some of the darkest parts of your life.
You have acquired strength and value more than you realize. You have likely done an inventory already.
Acknowledge your strengths, weaknesses and barriers- be persistent with practice.

I have recorded a slew of issues that might be helpful for couples and Archive.org is where they are hosted (free). If you prefer audio, you might start there. Check out the one below.
 
Be ready for challenging conversations
https://archive.org/details/prepare-for-the-negative-and-the-argument-so-that-you-are-ready-emotionally-cont
 
Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.

I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.

Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”

]]><![CDATA[Technical Problems]]>Fri, 19 Sep 2025 10:43:34 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/technical-problemsI apologize for the delay in between blogs. I have written 50 plus blogs and am ready to post, then there is a technical glitch and I can't post. Not ideal and looking for creative solutions that are not cost-prohibitive. I appreciate your patience and understanding.]]><![CDATA[Is Everything Okay For Real?]]>Wed, 09 Jul 2025 14:16:52 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/is-everything-okay-for-real​Don’t pretend everything is okay

Acknowledge the pain and the opportunity for growth

I could have lost you.

You have an opportunity to use this experience that is similar to lemons and lemonade. Many couples I have worked with note that the intimacy after an affair is different. They realize that they could have lost this person and they don’t want that. They realize how much they mean. I would not wish an affair on anyone. Once it is here, lets squeeze out all the juice.
 
Familiar is comfortable

We have the tendency to seek, and continue with, what’s familiar and comfortable.

If we stick with familiarity, we miss the opportunity be transformed- to become more than we are right now. What is the cost of staying stuck, of the status quo?

In counseling, we talk about being too comfortable and life shakes us all up when we are too comfortable.

One professor said that our job as counselors is to “comfort the afflicted and afflict the comforted.”
 
Stuck
You were not created to stay stuck or be limited by your past. It doesn’t feel good and sometimes anger can be a useful fuel in getting you to move. Whatever it takes to create the necessary change…
It is okay to be angry about what happened. Any feeling you have is okay to experience in its entirety. Feel the feelings and watch them change. Watch your perspective change, too.
We blossom and grow when we do hard things.

Want to get unstuck? Get your needs met. Try listening to this audio and let me know
https://archive.org/details/what-do-you-need-from-your-partner-see-also-what-do-i-need-exercise-audio
 
Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.
I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.
Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
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]]><![CDATA[Starting Over and Building a New Relationship After an Affair]]>Wed, 02 Jul 2025 15:43:34 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/starting-over-and-building-a-new-relationship-after-an-affairDo you know the secret of change?
“Focus all of your energy, not fighting the old, but on building the new.” Dan Millman
 
Don’t stay there
Acknowledge the pain, don’t drown in it. Don’t avoid it or pretend it never happened. Don’t focus on it for hours each day.

https://archive.org/details/empathy-compassion-forgiveness-gratitude-and-criticism-for-couples
Audio for Empathy compassion and criticism
 
Build the new relationship you want with your partner or create a new life with the wisdom you acquired. Step by step, like building a new house, create a relationship that serves you. Think about what was lacking and turn that complaint into a positive statement. “I want a relationship where we promptly talk about what is bothering us instead of letting it build up.” “I want to be able to predict when we will talk and feel close emotionally and physically.”

All of your energy goes to creating, not wallowing.

Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.

I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.

Thank you for subscribing,

Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”
]]><![CDATA[Computer and Site Glitches]]>Wed, 02 Jul 2025 15:33:29 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/computer-and-site-glitchesI apologize for not updating my blog in a timely fashion.

I have tons of content for the next 10 years at least and I cannot seem to log on or I get blocked from logging on. 

​Stay tuned for more coming soon.
]]><![CDATA[Remind me again how feelings work, because this feels awful]]>Mon, 05 May 2025 12:35:57 GMThttp://www.boicecounseling.com/newsblog/remind-me-again-how-feelings-work-because-this-feels-awfulRemind me again how feelings work, because this feels awful

Feelings do not happen to us. Feelings do not happen in a vacuum and that is a good thing.
 
Feel them
Feel those feelings if you want to heal faster. The feelings exist regardless of whether you acknowledge them.
Learn how to feel them instead of avoiding them.
Learn how to change feelings and distract momentarily before going back to them.
 
Change the story
Most often, the stories we tell ourselves create feelings. We wire ourselves and make associations. You can change the story to change the feelings.

Here is one technique to deal with feelings that may feel unbearable right now. Over time, with exposure to the feelings, your response will shift. Your brain will wire differently as you do the tapping and remembering.

Try it with a therapist if you have serious trauma. If it is run of the mill trauma, try it now.

Trauma Technique: Bilateral Tapping (part of EMDR- trauma therapy)
Some people, while they’re thinking about the affair, tap using bilateral stimulation.
That means tapping on one leg with one hand and tapping on the other leg with the other hand. You tap in a rhythmical, alternating fashion.

As you’re talking and thinking about the affair, you tap left right left right left right. You brain will calm down within minutes. It is hard to escalate feelings while you are doing this. Your brain is using more of its capacity and balancing thoughts and feelings.
 
As you are talking about the affair or the details, thinking about it and simultaneously tapping, your body rewires the connections.

It stops perceiving it as an imminent threat.

You are then able to think more clearly and do your threat assessment.

Sometimes after the trauma of an affair, everything looks like a threat and that is not a fun experience. This tapping is used for trauma in many emergency fields. It can be done anywhere at anytime.

Experiment:
Try this tapping for 10 minutes while thinking about your relationship.
 
Experiment:
Try tapping for 30 minutes while thinking about the affair and what impact it had on your relationship.
Difficult emotions and taking responsibility is the title of this audio:
https://archive.org/details/dfficult-emotions-gratitude-im-right-youre-wrong-you-do-it-too-taking-responsibility

Did you know that people freely give attention to those who nurture and support them? I challenge you to nurture and support those around you in ways that are meaningful to them.

I would ask my clients to please let me know if you use my blog to continue the growth between sessions. It can be another resource for you.

Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future.

Thank you for subscribing,

​Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”
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