I'm on page 40 of writing a workbook about affairs that will help the reader go through exercises and thoughts and coping mechanisms.
I keep running into blindspots. People seem to not understand how affairs start, which means they are missing clues. People are putting themselves into dangerous situations without realizing it, then getting defensive when asked to be more protective of the relationship.
There are a million myths about affairs as well. Sure everyone has an opinion, but not all opinions carry the same weight. Some are harmful and damaging. Others are simply not informed and wild guesses. You are entitled to your opinion, but please be careful of thinking that you are right.
One myth I hear too often is, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." The person then uses poor logic to prove their point and their logic is easily proven wrong, but facts do not get in the way of their thinking. This is not true. It is a myth.
Let's look at the nuances, too. Imagine understanding that a certain innocuous behavior is actually threatening to a relationship at a certain point and taking precautions.
Imagine that instead of getting defensive, the person said, "Wait, that behavior is dangerous? Rather than protect my ego by defending myself, I will defend my relationship. I will do whatever it takes to protect this relationship. What would make it safer right now?"
Many times, simply acknowledging that the behavior can be risky or a situation has risk, is enough. Being aware of risk makes you more likely to act better. If you do not perceive the risk, you are less likely to prepare for the risk.
If your partner says that they are uncomfortable with your relationship at work, how do you have that conversation? Do you then hide the texts and emails or talk openly about the concerns? Are you more loyal to your partner or to your friend? Which relationship do you prioritize? If the person is being controlling, are they truly protecting or are they over reacting? How do you know when you have reached the threshold?
At what point is a friendship more than a friendship? Talk about that with your partner. It is an awkward conversation and yet so is talking about an affair. Your choice...
Do you know how to assess the risk accurately? Are you just guessing or going with your gut (notoriously poor at predicting affairs)?
Are you talking about the emotional affairs as well as physical ones? Did you agree on terms and definitions and rules/expectations? Do you know how friendships move toward emotional affairs so that you can stop yourself from crossing the threshold? For example, you do not talk to your friend about your partner in unflattering terms. As soon as you talk about your partner in a way that throws them under the bus, be very careful. That is a tipping point in moving toward an emotional affair. You start justifying treating them poorly and what happens after that is not pretty.
My suggestion is to acknowledge that affairs do happen quite frequently in our society.
Because of that, we need to look at our relationship for weak points. We should regularly assess our relationship, what is going well and what is not going well?
We should talk about our insecurities and what reassurance we need.
If you find yourself over reacting or being controlling, maybe talk to a professional about the root cause. Did you know that there is a relationship OCD? Fascinating read- the person obsesses about the partner cheating. It defies logic and can be treated. Very painful for all parties involved.
I keep running into blindspots. People seem to not understand how affairs start, which means they are missing clues. People are putting themselves into dangerous situations without realizing it, then getting defensive when asked to be more protective of the relationship.
There are a million myths about affairs as well. Sure everyone has an opinion, but not all opinions carry the same weight. Some are harmful and damaging. Others are simply not informed and wild guesses. You are entitled to your opinion, but please be careful of thinking that you are right.
One myth I hear too often is, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." The person then uses poor logic to prove their point and their logic is easily proven wrong, but facts do not get in the way of their thinking. This is not true. It is a myth.
Let's look at the nuances, too. Imagine understanding that a certain innocuous behavior is actually threatening to a relationship at a certain point and taking precautions.
Imagine that instead of getting defensive, the person said, "Wait, that behavior is dangerous? Rather than protect my ego by defending myself, I will defend my relationship. I will do whatever it takes to protect this relationship. What would make it safer right now?"
Many times, simply acknowledging that the behavior can be risky or a situation has risk, is enough. Being aware of risk makes you more likely to act better. If you do not perceive the risk, you are less likely to prepare for the risk.
If your partner says that they are uncomfortable with your relationship at work, how do you have that conversation? Do you then hide the texts and emails or talk openly about the concerns? Are you more loyal to your partner or to your friend? Which relationship do you prioritize? If the person is being controlling, are they truly protecting or are they over reacting? How do you know when you have reached the threshold?
At what point is a friendship more than a friendship? Talk about that with your partner. It is an awkward conversation and yet so is talking about an affair. Your choice...
Do you know how to assess the risk accurately? Are you just guessing or going with your gut (notoriously poor at predicting affairs)?
Are you talking about the emotional affairs as well as physical ones? Did you agree on terms and definitions and rules/expectations? Do you know how friendships move toward emotional affairs so that you can stop yourself from crossing the threshold? For example, you do not talk to your friend about your partner in unflattering terms. As soon as you talk about your partner in a way that throws them under the bus, be very careful. That is a tipping point in moving toward an emotional affair. You start justifying treating them poorly and what happens after that is not pretty.
My suggestion is to acknowledge that affairs do happen quite frequently in our society.
Because of that, we need to look at our relationship for weak points. We should regularly assess our relationship, what is going well and what is not going well?
We should talk about our insecurities and what reassurance we need.
If you find yourself over reacting or being controlling, maybe talk to a professional about the root cause. Did you know that there is a relationship OCD? Fascinating read- the person obsesses about the partner cheating. It defies logic and can be treated. Very painful for all parties involved.
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