​Magnificent Sex Page 176
Exercise:
Recall your three favorite sexual memories -write down a few words for each memory so you can identify them later.
What did they reveal about you?
What is distinctive about them?
What obstacles stand in the way of doing these more often?
What messages do you send to one another to prime the pump?
 
How do you prepare yourself?
Shower, shave, groom, brush your teeth, put on fresh new under things and clothes that make you feel presentable and confident, if not outright sexy and desirable, blow dry and style your hair
Add to your feelings of being alluring so that it can appear natural and spontaneous.
The effort is visible when you live together. There is an importance to prepare whether it’s physical or the environment or interpersonal so that you’re in a welcoming mood for your partner.
It will take effort if we want it to happen in a long-term relationship- if we want it to be optimal, it will take considerable time, effort, and energy.

​Page 178 Magnificent Sex 

What made people better at sex? (Survey results)

Cultivate erotic willingness, expand capacity for intense and overwhelming pleasure,
seek the sexual experiences they crave, become more comfortable in your own skin,
absorbed in the moment and embodied, embrace vulnerability, well-being, present, have intimate knowledge of self, and what makes you feel sexually alive.

Express that with another, develop comfort with yourself, and the other to the point that imperfection and vulnerability are not threatening.

Allow for full authenticity, aliveness, openness to experience, embodiment and connection and trust.

Discard masks, create interest, psychic, and interpersonal safety to access and reveal deepest vulnerabilities, connect with partner, fully and deeply.

Mutual empathy, and being connected with one another, communicate via touch

Use conflict to increase intimacy, take risks in an atmosphere of just enough safety,

What we have found is that many people do not talk about sex and sexuality, emotional and physical intimacy and then they have "sex not worth having."

I get it. It is awkward to have those conversations. It can be awkward to show your partner that you love what they are doing and the level of pleasure you are experiencing. It can also be awkward to "correct" or lead them without feeling demanding and bossy. That makes sense.

Let's talk about talking about it.
"I really love when you... that feels so good. Thank you for that. Anytime you want to do that, I am open to it."
"I love how my body feels when you..."
"That was really hot. I can't wait to do that again."
Those are all positive comments that are likely to encourage the partner to repeat what you liked. Most of us want to please our partners and do not know how to do it. If I want to please you, you want me to please you, then I am going to need to work as a team to understand how your body works and let's work together to see what we are capable of in terms of joy, bliss and ecstasy. Let's not focus so much on the orgasm, but on connection and pleasure, on learning each other.

Want technique to go with those conversations? People who masturbate regularly know their bodies more intimately and know what gets them there. Ask them. Read the book She Comes First- gives you strokes to use, 5 strokes like this, then do this- 15 sets of this, not to exceed 5 minutes, then move on to the next phase. For someone who likes to understand the process, that is fantastic feedback (from the book). Try the suggestions and ask her if she likes the speed, the duration, the variety and the repetition. Make sure you don't assume she will like something just because the book. Her opinion is more important than the author's opinion. Combined, you can help her ask for what she wants and put it in words that make sense.

Technique okay but the conversation lags? Hot monogamy and sexual styles survey can help. Want a combo- go to my website and look at sacred sexuality workbooks. Want to up your game with your mindset? Read the book Magnificent Sex. Want to set the stage for more and better sex? Come As You Are
Have trouble getting in touch with your body and sexuality? Better Sex through Mindfulness
Want help with getting more tantra into your routine? The Art of Sexual Ecstasy

The pattern I see as I review this is that I want you to have sex worth having, to enjoy it thoroughly and keep working at it until you have pleasure and ecstasy and connection.

​You do not have to settle for great sex anymore!

Magnificent Sex is a great book- not so much technique like the book She Comes First (great technique advice and why the technique works).

As a couple, magnificent sex is within your grasp, sex worth having requires some traits and the next few blogs will deal with that. I have found that couples tend to not discuss sex or preferences or fantasies and it is my hope that this will at least get couples talking.

"​Technical skills were consistently de-emphasized in favor of other important contributors: sensitivity, attentiveness, responsiveness, communication, focus, connection.*
 
The major components of magnificent sex:

1. being completely present in the moment, embodied focused and absorbed.
2. connection, alignment being in sync and merger
3. deep, sexual and erotic intimacy
4. extraordinary communication and empathy
5. being genuine, authentic and transparent,
6. vulnerability and surrender,
7. exploration, interpersonal risk-taking and fun
8. transcendence and transformation
9. In order to find optimal sexual experiences, one must look within,

 
We have discussed the risks of emotional vulnerability, but failed to consider the risk of erotic stagnation.

We rarely consider the kinds of risks that are necessary for creating the caliber of sex worth wanting.

Magnificent sex may involve those moments of deep connection in which both lovers are psychologically and sexually accessible, engaged and responsive to whatever lies deep within.

Great sex is not what you do with your partner*, not about which body parts go, where or how often or for how long but about how you share sensation* in the context of profound, trust and connection*, recognize the difference between what great sex is really like and most of us expect great sex to be like.

It takes a strong individual to maintain and assert one’s sense of self as good enough, regardless of what others might think. Maturity is required
 
If one is to pursue one’s heart desires in the face of others, may look askance at such wishes.

Relationships nourish a sense of safety. That is simultaneously true.

Do we choose people who are well suited in terms of appearance, but not intellect or personality?

“The people with whom self-actualizers fall in love are soundly selected by either cognitive or behavioral criteria, intuitively, sexually attracted to people who are right for them.” (Maslow)"

Definitely worth the read and over the next few blogs, I will share excerpts.

​Conflict order
 
These are intentionally out of order. Why? Couples often do them out of order. Want a challenge? Put them in the order in which they should logically occur.
 
Learn when to use the debate format versus listen
 
Learn when to use negotiation versus listening/talking system
 
Learn when to use the system of compromise
 
End the relationship because “nothing works “
 
Read “need versus complaint” article (www.boicecounseling.com)
 
Have a conversation about the conflict
 
Set up rules/understanding about how to talk with each other during conflict
 
Read “how to not hit below the belt” (Don’s website www.boicecounseling.com)
 
Read “calling out without accusing” (Don’s Website)
 
Practice softened startup
 
Learn how to get your point across without starting a disagreement
 
Practice talker/listener
 
Learn talker/listener
 
Polish talker/listener
 
Learn how to validate
 
Learn how to repair mid argument
 
Learn how to do the aftermath of an incident
 
Learn how to clarify what you heard
 
Read nonviolent communication (book)
 
Set the tone for a disagreement
 
Practice how to agree to disagree
 
Practice how and when and what to compromise
 
Practice negotiation skills
 
Learn about negotiation
 
Learn how to use negotiation tools

I thoroughly enjoy reading and I think about relationships all the time. My "notes" section of my phone is my best friend. I think about ideas and if they are relevant and worth sharing, they make it here.

I also summarize my notes from the books I read and share the summaries, insights and notes here.

Throughout the year, I experiment with different ways of bringing people together- training, book club, healing, group experiences (clothes on) with sacred sexuality. I highly value building community and connection.

Sometimes that means I forget to blog for awhile and I apologize for that.

I have maybe 30 articles/notes to blog and needed to edit a bit more before sharing.

Please get ready to review or learn new information.