I wish it didn’t happen
Context: For the next bunch of weeks, I will be blogging about healing from an affair. There will be coping techniques, ways to approach it and how to heal. These same techniques can be applied to other life concerns.
*Please share this blog with people who might benefit, so we can alleviate suffering.
"I wish it didn't happen," he said.
My definition of “suffering”- “not living life on life’s terms. Wishing it were different instead of accepting what is.”
That will be you causing yourself suffering. It might be too early for that concept to land well and maybe we are just planting seeds. Of course, when something painful happens, we want things to be different.
Don’t add to your pain by wishing things were different. Accepting that this happened is vital. I am not saying be okay with it and pretend it did not happen. Acknowledge your feelings, your perspective, the story in your head for what they are.
Be upset, just don’t add to your pain.
"I wish it did not happen," she said.
You have control over the narrative. Do not program your brain to be mad, hurt, upset etc. when something happens. You might have legit anger, but don't make yourself pre-mad. If they do x, I must be angry.
You made me angry? Nope
I made myself angry by the story I told myself about the event. The event is such that an event is not capable of making us mad.
It is semantics and will liberate you. Even though it is hard, I ask you to allow yourself to try on the idea. If I am right, you will be spared significant suffering.
You get to determine how you feel.
Check out the included video on YouTube below to see your role.
I want you to have choices instead of going into automatic pilot. You have options, you are not a puppet!!
Options
Here are some things that you can do, some of the tools that we have, some of the options that you have:
Somatic routines (13 routines) from my blog- go to my website www.boicecounseling.com and in the blog, look at august 2024 for 13 consecutive blogs about routines- ways to hack your emotions. Go through the blogs and see what works for you.
The more ways you find to make yourself feel better, the better off you are. Some days, very little works and I like having plan b, plan c.
Why do those routines?
Again, if you know how to keep yourself in a good space and deal with emotions, it is easier to heal quickly, because you will be able to tolerate the discomfort of the healing process. If you get easily triggered, then healing is much more challenging. Of course, you will be triggered at times and one of our goals is to move away from hyper vigilance. Be vigilant, not hyper vigilant.
Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future. Let’s have good conversations about this so that we heal rather than hurt.
Next blog will discuss several tools you might find helpful in healing after an affair.
Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”
Context: For the next bunch of weeks, I will be blogging about healing from an affair. There will be coping techniques, ways to approach it and how to heal. These same techniques can be applied to other life concerns.
*Please share this blog with people who might benefit, so we can alleviate suffering.
"I wish it didn't happen," he said.
My definition of “suffering”- “not living life on life’s terms. Wishing it were different instead of accepting what is.”
That will be you causing yourself suffering. It might be too early for that concept to land well and maybe we are just planting seeds. Of course, when something painful happens, we want things to be different.
Don’t add to your pain by wishing things were different. Accepting that this happened is vital. I am not saying be okay with it and pretend it did not happen. Acknowledge your feelings, your perspective, the story in your head for what they are.
Be upset, just don’t add to your pain.
"I wish it did not happen," she said.
You have control over the narrative. Do not program your brain to be mad, hurt, upset etc. when something happens. You might have legit anger, but don't make yourself pre-mad. If they do x, I must be angry.
You made me angry? Nope
I made myself angry by the story I told myself about the event. The event is such that an event is not capable of making us mad.
It is semantics and will liberate you. Even though it is hard, I ask you to allow yourself to try on the idea. If I am right, you will be spared significant suffering.
You get to determine how you feel.
Check out the included video on YouTube below to see your role.
I want you to have choices instead of going into automatic pilot. You have options, you are not a puppet!!
Options
Here are some things that you can do, some of the tools that we have, some of the options that you have:
Somatic routines (13 routines) from my blog- go to my website www.boicecounseling.com and in the blog, look at august 2024 for 13 consecutive blogs about routines- ways to hack your emotions. Go through the blogs and see what works for you.
The more ways you find to make yourself feel better, the better off you are. Some days, very little works and I like having plan b, plan c.
Why do those routines?
Again, if you know how to keep yourself in a good space and deal with emotions, it is easier to heal quickly, because you will be able to tolerate the discomfort of the healing process. If you get easily triggered, then healing is much more challenging. Of course, you will be triggered at times and one of our goals is to move away from hyper vigilance. Be vigilant, not hyper vigilant.
Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to spending more time together in the future. Let’s have good conversations about this so that we heal rather than hurt.
Next blog will discuss several tools you might find helpful in healing after an affair.
Thank you for subscribing,
Don Boice, LCSWR
“The go- to guy for conflict”
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