Instead of stonewalling (the silent treatment), try these statements.
Consider putting them in your “notes” in your phone and copy/paste when you find yourself getting quiet after a difficult conversation. Convey to your partner what is happening, what you are feeling, what you might need and the story in your head. Check your assumptions instead of jumping to conclusions and blowing things out of proportion.
Think about when you are most likely to shut down. What happened immediately before you shut down. If you can predict, you can prepare for next time. You can’t always prevent it from happening, but if you know you are likely to shut down and this annoys your partner, practice letting your partner know what is happening.
Try on the following and then write your own, in your own words, that fit you and your situation. These are simply prompts.
“That didn’t land well.”
“My feelings are really hurt right now. I need to sit with the feelings before I respond. I don’t want to lash out. I think that would make it worse. Can you give me a bit of time to sit with my feelings and then get back with you and talk it through?”
“Are you okay? You just said something that touched a nerve and that is unlike you.”
“Did something I shared touch something deep inside you that you said what you did? Maybe it brought back memories or something?”
“When you said (fill in the blank with what was said) ________
Here is how it landed:
I heard that I need to change to be acceptable. It felt a bit condescending and patronizing and I recoiled. I don’t think that is what you intended and yet it landed that way. Can you tell me more about what you said and why?”
Or
“Are you telling me that I am not good enough for you? That is what it sounded like to my ears. I want to make sure I heard what you said accurately.”
Or
“I am having some strong feelings about what you just said. It didn’t land well. It hurt my feelings. I need space to lick my wounds.”
“What I heard is that you are better than me and that I should do life the way that you do. That does not sound like you, though. Is that what you intended for me to hear from your statement?”
Or
“Are you communicating that you’re better than me because of the way you do this? It felt like you were correcting me or evaluating/judging me. I might be wrong, that’s how I heard it. Can you let me know if I am close in my understanding of what you meant?”
Or
“Could I ask you to just listen to understand, not to share a similar story? If you have a similar story, I would like to hear it, but the timing wasn’t right for me right then. It made me question if my feelings matter to you.”
Or
“I promise you, I will be incredibly clear and direct when I want feedback or advice, or ways to improve myself.”
Or
“When you help me before I ask, it doesn’t feel like help to me, regardless of your intention.”
Or
“You have expressed a preference that I do not have. It feels like you might be insinuating that there is right and wrong and that you are right and I am wrong. Possibly that- because you do it your way, that you are better than I am. Nevertheless, I hear, and I might be wrong in my hearing of it, that disagreeing on this issue is a big deal. I expressed my preference which doesn’t match yours. I hear that you would very much like me to abandon my preference and choose yours. If I don’t do that, I understand that there will be consequences. Am I understanding that correctly?”
Can you hear how these are different but share a pattern? Use your own language to express yourself. You are letting your partner know that something hurt and you are checking your assumptions. You are letting them know that you might need time to process your feelings. This is much better than feeling hurt and going into silent mode with no warning. That is similar to changing lanes without signalling. It can cause a problem. Being quiet and processing your feelings is perfectly acceptable, as long as you communicate and are not sulking or withholding love or punishing them.
Consider putting them in your “notes” in your phone and copy/paste when you find yourself getting quiet after a difficult conversation. Convey to your partner what is happening, what you are feeling, what you might need and the story in your head. Check your assumptions instead of jumping to conclusions and blowing things out of proportion.
Think about when you are most likely to shut down. What happened immediately before you shut down. If you can predict, you can prepare for next time. You can’t always prevent it from happening, but if you know you are likely to shut down and this annoys your partner, practice letting your partner know what is happening.
Try on the following and then write your own, in your own words, that fit you and your situation. These are simply prompts.
“That didn’t land well.”
“My feelings are really hurt right now. I need to sit with the feelings before I respond. I don’t want to lash out. I think that would make it worse. Can you give me a bit of time to sit with my feelings and then get back with you and talk it through?”
“Are you okay? You just said something that touched a nerve and that is unlike you.”
“Did something I shared touch something deep inside you that you said what you did? Maybe it brought back memories or something?”
“When you said (fill in the blank with what was said) ________
Here is how it landed:
I heard that I need to change to be acceptable. It felt a bit condescending and patronizing and I recoiled. I don’t think that is what you intended and yet it landed that way. Can you tell me more about what you said and why?”
Or
“Are you telling me that I am not good enough for you? That is what it sounded like to my ears. I want to make sure I heard what you said accurately.”
Or
“I am having some strong feelings about what you just said. It didn’t land well. It hurt my feelings. I need space to lick my wounds.”
“What I heard is that you are better than me and that I should do life the way that you do. That does not sound like you, though. Is that what you intended for me to hear from your statement?”
Or
“Are you communicating that you’re better than me because of the way you do this? It felt like you were correcting me or evaluating/judging me. I might be wrong, that’s how I heard it. Can you let me know if I am close in my understanding of what you meant?”
Or
“Could I ask you to just listen to understand, not to share a similar story? If you have a similar story, I would like to hear it, but the timing wasn’t right for me right then. It made me question if my feelings matter to you.”
Or
“I promise you, I will be incredibly clear and direct when I want feedback or advice, or ways to improve myself.”
Or
“When you help me before I ask, it doesn’t feel like help to me, regardless of your intention.”
Or
“You have expressed a preference that I do not have. It feels like you might be insinuating that there is right and wrong and that you are right and I am wrong. Possibly that- because you do it your way, that you are better than I am. Nevertheless, I hear, and I might be wrong in my hearing of it, that disagreeing on this issue is a big deal. I expressed my preference which doesn’t match yours. I hear that you would very much like me to abandon my preference and choose yours. If I don’t do that, I understand that there will be consequences. Am I understanding that correctly?”
Can you hear how these are different but share a pattern? Use your own language to express yourself. You are letting your partner know that something hurt and you are checking your assumptions. You are letting them know that you might need time to process your feelings. This is much better than feeling hurt and going into silent mode with no warning. That is similar to changing lanes without signalling. It can cause a problem. Being quiet and processing your feelings is perfectly acceptable, as long as you communicate and are not sulking or withholding love or punishing them.
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