The best gift you can give for Valentine's Day is to eliminate guesswork.
Do you love your partner? Don't keep it a secret. Tell them specifics about what you enjoy and admire and appreciate.
This reduces anxiety as well as reassures.
The ability to tolerate the natural and normal anxiety associated with a relationship determines whether you can be in a healthy relationship. Longevity and satisfaction are related to how well you tolerate discomfort. The conversations will be awkward at times and worth it.
No guesswork part 2
Have you ever had that person who is hard to shop for?
They don’t give any ideas but then Christmas or birthday roll around. You ask and they make you guess. If you anticipate well and can guess, you might do okay.
We both acknowledge that we want the other person to be happy and we want to do nice things for them. We ask our partner what they want. We want to show up for them and help add to their happiness.
One couple talked about how they train each other. “You are training me to disregard you,” was a statement that stood out.
Think about making them guess and then not telling them. You are not allowing your partner to be successful with you. Is that in your best interests?
What do you need?
“I need to know you well enough that I can give you a gift. I need you to understand my perspective without judging me.”
“What I need from you is an opportunity to be successful in being a good boyfriend. I want to know that you felt loved and respected and cherished and treasured. I also have a selfish need to feel successful as boyfriend. In the situation neither one of us is getting our needs met. It feels like it’s setting up for failure.”
“I get that you feel uncomfortable receiving. I also have heard you talk about what happens when you’re the only one giving. It feels like you are in a double bind. I watch you struggle with not getting your needs met and how that feels.”
“This is one of those moments. You have the right to not reconcile that conflict. If you choose not to address it though, we’re gonna keep having the same conversation. I want to love you.”
“I can anticipate a likely outcome and I’m getting mad about it.”
Are you willing to ask directly for what you need and risk the vulnerability of not getting what you need?
“You have to tell me or I can’t do it. If you choose not to tell me, it is unrealistic to expect that I will figure it out. It is hard work to ask for what you want and own it. I am asking you to lean into asking so that we can both feel good about the results. I want to know you and your preferences. The fact that preferences are changeable means you have to communicate them to me or you won’t get what you want.
I tell people, “If you ask and I understand your ask, the chances go way up of getting what you want. I’m asking you to take 100% responsibility for knowing yourself well enough and for being vulnerable enough to consistently ask. I am asking that if you don’t do that, please refrain from blaming me out loud or to yourself.”
Do you love your partner? Don't keep it a secret. Tell them specifics about what you enjoy and admire and appreciate.
This reduces anxiety as well as reassures.
The ability to tolerate the natural and normal anxiety associated with a relationship determines whether you can be in a healthy relationship. Longevity and satisfaction are related to how well you tolerate discomfort. The conversations will be awkward at times and worth it.
No guesswork part 2
Have you ever had that person who is hard to shop for?
They don’t give any ideas but then Christmas or birthday roll around. You ask and they make you guess. If you anticipate well and can guess, you might do okay.
We both acknowledge that we want the other person to be happy and we want to do nice things for them. We ask our partner what they want. We want to show up for them and help add to their happiness.
One couple talked about how they train each other. “You are training me to disregard you,” was a statement that stood out.
Think about making them guess and then not telling them. You are not allowing your partner to be successful with you. Is that in your best interests?
What do you need?
“I need to know you well enough that I can give you a gift. I need you to understand my perspective without judging me.”
“What I need from you is an opportunity to be successful in being a good boyfriend. I want to know that you felt loved and respected and cherished and treasured. I also have a selfish need to feel successful as boyfriend. In the situation neither one of us is getting our needs met. It feels like it’s setting up for failure.”
“I get that you feel uncomfortable receiving. I also have heard you talk about what happens when you’re the only one giving. It feels like you are in a double bind. I watch you struggle with not getting your needs met and how that feels.”
“This is one of those moments. You have the right to not reconcile that conflict. If you choose not to address it though, we’re gonna keep having the same conversation. I want to love you.”
“I can anticipate a likely outcome and I’m getting mad about it.”
Are you willing to ask directly for what you need and risk the vulnerability of not getting what you need?
“You have to tell me or I can’t do it. If you choose not to tell me, it is unrealistic to expect that I will figure it out. It is hard work to ask for what you want and own it. I am asking you to lean into asking so that we can both feel good about the results. I want to know you and your preferences. The fact that preferences are changeable means you have to communicate them to me or you won’t get what you want.
I tell people, “If you ask and I understand your ask, the chances go way up of getting what you want. I’m asking you to take 100% responsibility for knowing yourself well enough and for being vulnerable enough to consistently ask. I am asking that if you don’t do that, please refrain from blaming me out loud or to yourself.”
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