Background:
In the book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, the author spent some time discussing the concept of a unilateral decision and how harmful that is in a relationship. Every couple has to go through the awkward stages and milestones, the phases of a developing relationship. When, not if, you made a decision and you forgot to take your partner into account, it stings. It is rarely a dealbreaker. It is an opportunity to get to know one another and their preferences better.
Why are they in a relationship and thinking about a situation as a single person, not as a coupled person?
What is happening? Have they not adjusted to the new situation? Do they consider the preferences of their partner usually and this is an outlier? Are there areas they do not consider shared? Which decisions are shared versus made by oneself? Great discussions to have.
“The best leaders are also easy to lead.” Is a quote a client used in session. He may have been quoting someone else, not sure. When someone makes a unilateral decision, one message is that they are in charge.
Absolutely no one wants to be labeled as a “control freak,” and yet there are people who have such strong preferences and insist on their way that they might fit that description. We all like to lead at times. Are you sharing power? Are you taking turns leading? Can you let go? Are you always the person in charge? How do you feel and what do you think when you let go of power and control? Think back to childhood when you were not in control and how that felt. Some of us make a decision or a vow to never be out of control again. If you breathe, you have control issues. No one escapes that. Just be aware and conscious of which issues you have. It is not possible that you are the only exception on the planet. If you think you are, consider yourself in the “not aware” category. Work through those issues with your partner.
Process is important
Regardless what content or subject we are talking about, how we make decisions matters. Do we do it as a team, as partners or does one of us make it?
The subtext is “I am going to get my need met regardless of the consequences. I don’t care that it impacts you, my needs are more important than your need to talk it through.”
Sometimes, it might be possible that statement is true. Often that thinking turns into a power play where we disregard our partner or we don’t see them as an equal. There are many options for what might be happening. Talk it through and experiment with different ways of being. If you are always in control, consciously talk about ceding control and how you feel about it. Remember that the two of you are a team. Work together to heal one another. This is not about blame, but awareness. We all have annoying traits and room for improvement. Let’s improve as a team, with each other’s assistance.
“When you make a decision that puts me in jeopardy, I believe I get a say. I have a right to have input into decisions that affect my life. “
Replying “No you don’t,” is unlikely a good strategy.
Or
“We don’t need to have a conversation about everything. “
“I agree with that. And I don’t want a conversation about everything. This specific profoundly affects me and I get a say. “
“No, we need to act fast. There is no time to talk about it.“
“If you’re bottom lining me, then I’m saying no. If you’re asking me to be an equal partner with an equal say, and you’re open to influence, let’s have a brief productive conversation and get it done. Otherwise, it feels like a power play or you’re in charge or you’re the boss. Is that what you’re going for?”
Or
“See, you won’t compromise.”
“You say it as if that’s reality. Me saying “I want to slow it down so I can be involved in this decision,” is me trying to get a compromise instead of being steamrolled. The story in my head is that you seem to be telling me I must do it your way and if I don’t do it your way immediately, then I’m not compromising. How would you like me to interpret that?”
In the book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, the author spent some time discussing the concept of a unilateral decision and how harmful that is in a relationship. Every couple has to go through the awkward stages and milestones, the phases of a developing relationship. When, not if, you made a decision and you forgot to take your partner into account, it stings. It is rarely a dealbreaker. It is an opportunity to get to know one another and their preferences better.
Why are they in a relationship and thinking about a situation as a single person, not as a coupled person?
What is happening? Have they not adjusted to the new situation? Do they consider the preferences of their partner usually and this is an outlier? Are there areas they do not consider shared? Which decisions are shared versus made by oneself? Great discussions to have.
“The best leaders are also easy to lead.” Is a quote a client used in session. He may have been quoting someone else, not sure. When someone makes a unilateral decision, one message is that they are in charge.
Absolutely no one wants to be labeled as a “control freak,” and yet there are people who have such strong preferences and insist on their way that they might fit that description. We all like to lead at times. Are you sharing power? Are you taking turns leading? Can you let go? Are you always the person in charge? How do you feel and what do you think when you let go of power and control? Think back to childhood when you were not in control and how that felt. Some of us make a decision or a vow to never be out of control again. If you breathe, you have control issues. No one escapes that. Just be aware and conscious of which issues you have. It is not possible that you are the only exception on the planet. If you think you are, consider yourself in the “not aware” category. Work through those issues with your partner.
Process is important
Regardless what content or subject we are talking about, how we make decisions matters. Do we do it as a team, as partners or does one of us make it?
The subtext is “I am going to get my need met regardless of the consequences. I don’t care that it impacts you, my needs are more important than your need to talk it through.”
Sometimes, it might be possible that statement is true. Often that thinking turns into a power play where we disregard our partner or we don’t see them as an equal. There are many options for what might be happening. Talk it through and experiment with different ways of being. If you are always in control, consciously talk about ceding control and how you feel about it. Remember that the two of you are a team. Work together to heal one another. This is not about blame, but awareness. We all have annoying traits and room for improvement. Let’s improve as a team, with each other’s assistance.
“When you make a decision that puts me in jeopardy, I believe I get a say. I have a right to have input into decisions that affect my life. “
Replying “No you don’t,” is unlikely a good strategy.
Or
“We don’t need to have a conversation about everything. “
“I agree with that. And I don’t want a conversation about everything. This specific profoundly affects me and I get a say. “
“No, we need to act fast. There is no time to talk about it.“
“If you’re bottom lining me, then I’m saying no. If you’re asking me to be an equal partner with an equal say, and you’re open to influence, let’s have a brief productive conversation and get it done. Otherwise, it feels like a power play or you’re in charge or you’re the boss. Is that what you’re going for?”
Or
“See, you won’t compromise.”
“You say it as if that’s reality. Me saying “I want to slow it down so I can be involved in this decision,” is me trying to get a compromise instead of being steamrolled. The story in my head is that you seem to be telling me I must do it your way and if I don’t do it your way immediately, then I’m not compromising. How would you like me to interpret that?”
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