I have compiled a series of exercises for couples that heighten the senses of the body. Done with the goal of connection, it is highly effective.
My suggestion is that you keep your eyes open and connect that way. I know a couple wherein, at this point, she has to fantasize to be aroused. She cannot be present and in the moment and be aroused and stay aroused. One might think that there are other issues to be worked through rather than avoided if this is happening. Imagine being the guy, knowing that she cannot get aroused if she thinks about you. She has to think about something else. Imagine how that lands.
Talk through it as a way to connect. Make sounds that indicate pleasure or displeasure. When people go silent, it can be a way to disconnect and make it a me instead of a we. That is super common. It is as if you are masturbating, but in the presence of someone else. You are having your own separate and distinct sexual experience, with someone you love nearby. That is okay to do if you talk about it beforehand. If the expectation is to be together, talk it through. Guide them through, give them feedback rather than making them guess or read your mind. If you train them to guess, that affects the quality of future love making and communication. Ask for what you like and need. Be specific. Avoid criticism and comparison when possible.
Remind each other to breathe. There are ways to breathe sexually that feel good.
People hold their breath for many different reasons. Sometimes people dissociate or daydream or get tense.
Holding your breath is contraindicated with sensory play. It stops the flow of energy and tenses the muscles. Are we okay to remind each other to breathe? If I remind you to breathe, how will that land? Will you hear it as me reminding you because we are partners or will it land like a correction and criticism?
The goal of sensation play is simply to provide unusual and arousing sensations to a partner's body.
It is only limited by one's imagination and, of course, personal limits, which should be respected at all times. Talk it through. In the sacred sexuality workbooks, I have multiple ideas to try, if you want help priming the pump.
Quick ideas- Mittens- if you cannot use your hands (you can actually say, “Don’t use your hands,” and that is called a verbal restraint) that changes your usual routine and can help you get out of a rut. It might be frustrating or feel great.
In Summer or a hot day, run an ice cube down your partner’s neck, on their back, or between their legs. Cooling personal lubricant is another way to add cold excitement in the bedroom. Warm up the towels in the towel warmer and have a washcloth with cool water. Wake up the body and the senses and when the body is fully awake, in the present moment and you feel connected, you might just get better results.
If you are interested in reading the workbooks on my website, that might help. If you are interested in a workshop/series or retreat about sacred sexuality, let me know. If we get enough people interested, that could be enjoyable. (In the interest of clear communication and boundaries, Yes, everyone keeps their clothes on and we are not having sex with each other. One woman asked if I was a sex worker. No, I am not. I help couples have better conversations with each other about sex.)
My suggestion is that you keep your eyes open and connect that way. I know a couple wherein, at this point, she has to fantasize to be aroused. She cannot be present and in the moment and be aroused and stay aroused. One might think that there are other issues to be worked through rather than avoided if this is happening. Imagine being the guy, knowing that she cannot get aroused if she thinks about you. She has to think about something else. Imagine how that lands.
Talk through it as a way to connect. Make sounds that indicate pleasure or displeasure. When people go silent, it can be a way to disconnect and make it a me instead of a we. That is super common. It is as if you are masturbating, but in the presence of someone else. You are having your own separate and distinct sexual experience, with someone you love nearby. That is okay to do if you talk about it beforehand. If the expectation is to be together, talk it through. Guide them through, give them feedback rather than making them guess or read your mind. If you train them to guess, that affects the quality of future love making and communication. Ask for what you like and need. Be specific. Avoid criticism and comparison when possible.
Remind each other to breathe. There are ways to breathe sexually that feel good.
People hold their breath for many different reasons. Sometimes people dissociate or daydream or get tense.
Holding your breath is contraindicated with sensory play. It stops the flow of energy and tenses the muscles. Are we okay to remind each other to breathe? If I remind you to breathe, how will that land? Will you hear it as me reminding you because we are partners or will it land like a correction and criticism?
The goal of sensation play is simply to provide unusual and arousing sensations to a partner's body.
It is only limited by one's imagination and, of course, personal limits, which should be respected at all times. Talk it through. In the sacred sexuality workbooks, I have multiple ideas to try, if you want help priming the pump.
Quick ideas- Mittens- if you cannot use your hands (you can actually say, “Don’t use your hands,” and that is called a verbal restraint) that changes your usual routine and can help you get out of a rut. It might be frustrating or feel great.
In Summer or a hot day, run an ice cube down your partner’s neck, on their back, or between their legs. Cooling personal lubricant is another way to add cold excitement in the bedroom. Warm up the towels in the towel warmer and have a washcloth with cool water. Wake up the body and the senses and when the body is fully awake, in the present moment and you feel connected, you might just get better results.
If you are interested in reading the workbooks on my website, that might help. If you are interested in a workshop/series or retreat about sacred sexuality, let me know. If we get enough people interested, that could be enjoyable. (In the interest of clear communication and boundaries, Yes, everyone keeps their clothes on and we are not having sex with each other. One woman asked if I was a sex worker. No, I am not. I help couples have better conversations with each other about sex.)
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