Couples Counseling

Men do not always go to couples counseling.  Men who come to Don tend to attend regularly, do the homework and value the process, which makes it more likely to work. If either party won't attend, couples counseling cannot work.

Ethics matter:
​Did you know that research shows an individual working on the relationship in counseling almost guarantees the relationship will fail?
Did you know that the code of ethics states that we are expressly prohibited from telling you to break up?
Did you know that it is insurance fraud to bill insurance for on-going couples sessions as individual sessions?

• Don will help clients develop effective coping skills so they can withstand the stress of conflict and live their lives more fully. You can tell that Don likes information and making it free whenever possible, by checking out each page of his website. Consider subscribing to the blog to be up to date on what he is reading.
• Don's style is very gentle and tactful. No ganging up, no one is made to be a fool, and there is no one "in your face." 
• Clients set the pace and the direction and Don keeps them on track. Consider reading the blog on this site and the articles (the links on the previous page on website and the links below on website) for homework.
• Privacy and boundaries are always respected. Clients choose to share as much or as little of the story, the personal details, as they wish.
• You do not come in every week for the rest of your life. You become independently capable. The idea is to learn the skill, practice it at home and get in a bunch of repetitions until you believe you have mastered it and can use it without Don. Usually, that means coming in a few times until you have momentum and then you practice it on your own. You come back to counseling to make sure you are doing it right or when a new issue has come up. You read and practice the skills and use Don as a consultant or coach. more than as a therapist.

Skills Approach:  Don helps clients increase their conflict resolution skills, their ability to emotionally connect, so they can be more independent and achieve greater well-being.  People tend to appreciate the skills approach as they choose what to disclose, when to disclose it and they gain the confidence necessary to work on themselves outside of the sessions.

Short-term focus: Don's goal is to have people not come for long periods of time.  Counseling is not meant to be forever. As you learn the skills, you'll find that you can have these discussions without Don and then save both time and money, not to mention reduce hostility. You are welcome to return, but not required to do so. You have free will and it is respected.
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Counseling is not about being dependent on a counselor.  With regular practice, consistently doing the homework (and practicing the skills learned in counseling) and by learning new skills, counseling does not need to be long-term. The skills learned can be applied to a variety of issues people face in their lives. Check out the blog for ideas for your relationship.

Homework:  Don believes in the value of working between sessions.  Just like athletes who must train between games to improve their performance, clients find their sessions more valuable when they regularly practice between sessions.  Homework varies by issue.  Those who do the work tend to need fewer sessions and find the peace they seek more quickly.

Session Worksheet (click this)
Want to be super prepared for counseling? Get a notebook and write down your goals. After every session, spend a few minutes thinking about what went well and what went poorly. What do you want to do differently next session? What do you need from the counselor as well. Please ask yourself, "Am I getting my money's worth?" That keeps you working your hardest and using the sessions strategically. Or fill in the sheet entitled, "Session Worksheet."

To get the most out of Couples Counseling, read this Get the Most Out of Couples Counseling

As part of valuing the feedback loop, I invite people to fill this out and help me improve my services to you. Survey for Couples to Improve Sessions

If you need to take a break from counseling, I might write a quick note like this- Take a Break From Counseling For a While


If you want to be a superstar in therapy, check out these resources:
Want deep conversation? Pages of questions to get you started      Getting to Know Your Partner Again
Check out a wonderful process for conversations                              Talker and Listener
Check out better negotiation                                                               Bayes Rule
Check out I Statements article                                                            I Statements
Check out Clarification and Validation article                                      Clarification and Validation Article

Check out multiple references to root cause of anxiety/ depression   Root Causes of Anxiety
                                                                                                             Root Causes of Depression and Anxiety
                                                                                                             Overcome Anxiety Root Causes
                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Check out how to be happy                                                                  Neuroscience and Happiness 
                                                                                                              Happy and Grateful
​                                                                                                              The Habits of Happiness
                                                                                                              The Simple Secret to Happiness
                                                                                                              How Do We Become Happy?    



​You could get the easier conflict out of the way by checking out this slideshare on gender communication 
                                                                                                             Masculine and Feminine Communication Patterns
There are also more audios on "How to handle conflict without being a jerk" on www.archive.org and search "Don Boice"
​
Favorite articles/handouts:
*Couples Handout with links to multiple videos and articles               Handouts to Couples
Validation                                                                                             Homework Clarification and Validation 
Contempt                                                                                             Homework for Contempt  
Triggers                                                                                                Homework Triggers and Diffuse Physiological Arousal 
Brainstorming Creative Ideas for Dating in the Rochester Area           Dates 
Resources for Breathwork                                                                    Breathwork              

I am working on a workbook related to reasons that couples breakup or divorce. If you can address these now, you can likely avoid the unnecessary pain involved in a breakup. Ask me about that


                                              Enlightenment Through Ecstasy: An Adventure Into Sacred Sexuality Retreats

Working with couples affords me many insights for how to help them reach a new level. There does not have to be a "problem." You might be going from great to "Oh my goodness!"

Getting the spark back is a challenge for many couples and yet we have ways to do it that are rather straightforward.  My workbooks are currently at the editors and I am making sure the audio will help guide you through it.

Sexuality is vital, transformative and does not originate in the genitals and is not contained by the bedroom.

                                                       Make love with the parts of you that actually make love.

Imagine having a weeklong retreat that works virtually. That is to say that you prepare yourself for the retreat with a workbook and the audio, the workbook gets your habits started and gets you thinking about sexuality in a different manner.

Not only will you be a better lover, you will be a better partner and a better person. Yes, there are techniques involved, but it is about calling forth a better version of yourself.

                                                                    It is about honoring yourself, your partner and sexuality itself.

When you transcend your body, you will find that it is a highly spiritual experience.

I encourage you to download the first workbook and complete it, without rushing through it. There are audios at archive.org that will reinforce what is being taught and reminded in the workbooks.

Then download the other workbooks, so that over the course of a year, you will have multiple reinforcements and much support for this new mindset.         

Here are the Links to the workbooks:
Pre-retreat Sacred Sexuality.docx
Post-retreat Sacred Sexuality.docx
(Retreat itself) Sacred Sexuality Self-paced.docx

Want the audios that accompany the workbooks?
​Go to www.archive.org and search, "Don Boice"