Get Results in Couples Counseling
You can read all you want, get all the information you need, but you need to put it into practice repeatedly and consistently, you need to sustain the gains.
That is what “get results” means. If you need help with that, I am here for you. In my experience, having an outside person holding you accountable can be valuable to getting your relationship the results it deserves.
Try this, put in your phone that you will do a tuneup every 6 months to ensure you are on track. That is in addition to the weekly review. What do you think would happen in your relationship if you held yourself accountable that frequently?
Tuneup Session
For an appointment, call Michelle, the Office Manager, at 585.544.5342
Men do not always go to couples counseling
Men who come to Don tend to attend regularly, do the homework and value the process, which makes it more likely to work. If either party won't attend, couples counseling cannot work. There are some men who won't go to a woman couples counselor. There are also men who won't go at all or won't go to a man. That does not seem to be an issue with the woman (in a heterosexual relationship).
Ethics matter
Did you know that research shows an individual working on the relationship (alone) in counseling almost guarantees the relationship will fail?
Did you know that the code of ethics states that Counselors are expressly prohibited from telling you to break up?
Did you know that it is insurance fraud to bill insurance for on-going couples sessions as individual sessions?
What Can I Expect?
Skills Approach
Don helps clients increase their conflict resolution skills, their ability to emotionally connect, so they can be more independent and achieve greater well-being. People tend to appreciate the skills approach as they choose what to disclose, when to disclose it and they gain the confidence necessary to work on themselves outside of the sessions.
Short-term Focus
Don's goal is to have people not come for long periods of time. Counseling is not meant to be forever. As you learn the skills, you'll find that you can have these discussions without Don and then save both time and money, not to mention reduce hostility. You are welcome to return, but not required to do so. You have free will and it is respected.
Counseling is not about being dependent on a counselor. With regular practice, consistently doing the homework (and practicing the skills learned in counseling) and by learning new skills, counseling does not need to be long-term. The skills learned can be applied to a variety of issues people face in their lives.
Check out the blog for ideas for your relationship.
Repetitions
Don believes in the value of practicing between sessions. Just like athletes who must train between games to improve their performance, clients find their sessions more valuable when they regularly practice between sessions. Those who do the work tend to need fewer sessions and find the peace they seek more quickly.
If you want to be a superstar in therapy, check out these resources
Session Worksheet (click this to see how people organize themselves to get the most from their session)
Want to be super prepared for counseling? Get a notebook and write down your goals. After every session, spend a few minutes thinking about what went well and what went poorly. What do you want to do differently next session? What do you need from the counselor as well. Please ask yourself, "Am I getting my money's worth?" That keeps you working your hardest and using the sessions strategically. Or fill in the sheet entitled, "Session Worksheet."
Want to do a regular review of your relationship?
State of the Union
New to Couples Counseling? Read this.
Get The Most Out of Couples Counseling (by doing these things)
I invite people to fill this out and help me improve my services to you.
Survey for Couples to Improve Sessions
Date night- Everyone has heard of this idea and some have heard the research behind it. Keep your relationship alive. No more excuses. Stack the deck in favor of your relationship.
Brainstorming Creative Ideas for Dating in the Rochester Area, I am guessing many of these will be new.
Brainstorm With These Date Ideas
Build your relationship with your partner. That, in conjunction with reducing conflict, helps save relationships.
Getting to Know Your Partner Again
and 20 Soul Level Exercises (to deepen the emotional connection)
*Couples Handout with links to multiple videos and articles
Handouts to Couples (bunch of articles/videos)
Healthy Conflict
Check out a wonderful process for highly emotional and conflict laden conversations.
Talker and Listener
Improve your skills in negotiation here with both Nash Equilibrium and Bayes Rule. They both won the Nobel Prize in Economics for their simplicity and elegance in negotiating.
Bayes Rule With Nash Equilibrium
Significantly reduce the likelihood of conflict by clarifying and validating. Check out the number of examples from client sessions and how you might want to respond to get that emotional connection. Please do the practice!
Practice Clarification and Validation
Is your knowledge about gender communication sufficient?
Masculine and Feminine Communication Patterns
Check out how to get better skills and insights regarding conflict, building your friendship again and talking about difficult subjects with tact.
Build Positive and Remove Negative in Your Relationship. Great Wording for I Statements
Almost every couple could benefit from these initial goals.
Conflict Goals for Couples
Brilliant people look for, and find, patterns, and efficiently get results by removing the root causes. What patterns do you notice and what are you doing about them?
Patterns We Notice
When you find a negative pattern, what do you do?
Conflict -Interrupting the Pattern
Not this argument again!!
Recurring Argument and How To Stop
When we complain, we lose the audience. Want to increase your odds of being heard? Use needs language instead of complaining. No rehashing the past or giving examples that the partner can disprove. We set you up for success.
Needs Language Helps You Get Your Message Across- This is What I Need in the Future
Validation
Practice, Practice, Practice Clarification and Validation
Contempt is a good predictor of the relationship ending. Do you want it to end or do you want to work on your side?
Homework for Contempt
Triggers tell us where we are not fully healed. If I am triggered, I can be certain that I have a wound that was hit. A trigger means that I myself think that I am over reacting, rather than responding to the current reality. Let's heal that.
Healing Your Triggers
Affairs and Healing
Affair how to heal
Conversation about boundaries and affair prevention
Core emotional needs in romantic relationships
Couples healing worksheet after emotional affair
Couples intimacy reconnection exercises
Couples reflection- Journal prompt for emotional connection
Emotions
How can I be there for you?
How do I deal with triggers from avoidant attachment?
Feelings list
How to identify feel and discharge emotions
How to support your partner and hold space for someone with emotions
Somaticize and how to heal
How can I be more emotionally expressive?
I am entitled to feel how I feel
Abandonment
Abandoned inner child prompts and worksheets
Abandonment healing exercises- somatic
Abandonment pep talk
Managing emotional pain from breakup or emotional withdrawal
Pain
Is my pain rear?
Is your relationship a priority?
Prioritize your connection
Prioritize your relationship
Relationship toolkit for busy couples
I want to bid better
How to manage when people feel intimidated
Journal prompts for couples to deepen their trust
Mini repair- ritual for after an argument
Self conscious (using dancing as a topic this time) and how to change/heal that
How to be a better kisser (What couple doesn't want to improve?)
Needs List
Needs list 50 most common needs
What do you need? Care card
Courageous Conversations
Let's all step up to the plate and practice being brave and say what needs to be said in a way that is respectful, authentic, honest, vulnerable and transparent.. Here is a series of scripts and ideas to support us on our journey to making the world just a little better. Click on any link below to read the ideas in the document.
How can I be more emotionally expressive?
Job loss during a recession- supportive statements
Are you angry with me? (How to better ask and check in)
I want to be appreciative as well as critical with a suggested (ideal) reply
Tell her when you feel safest emotionally
Don't blame me for what you did wrong and- responding to criticism when super sensitive to criticism
The support I need is not like that (Ask for what you need in terms of support- give ideas and options)
Your words are not aligned with your actions
Being open with my emotions with you (how to have that conversation)
You don't listen (how to be kind and tactful when you tell them you want them to listen)
What I heard vs what you said- when there is a misunderstanding -script
You were talking about another guy- scripted response
You don't support me the way I want you to support
You are replaceable (That hurt to hear that, is that what you meant?)
Your trip or traveling - I might need more communication first
That is all I have to say (I am done with this conversation, unilaterally)
I see the good in you and I additionally have something critical to point out
Come closer, no not that close- Journal prompts and affirmations and role play/script
You don't have to come over versus "I invite you to come over" (I want to feel welcome and invited, not tolerated)
"You are doing your feelings wrong" (I would prefer we talk to each other with more vulnerability)
When you correct me, I feel...
Interrupting me -script
Hold the floor- script (We are each talking too long, as if to keep the other at bay)
"Do you even like me?" (Many conflicts go back to this- Do you still like/love me?)
"Walking on eggshells" is hyperbole - I do want you to consider my feelings when we talk
Feeling dismissed by you doesn't feel good
How to Cope with the Current State of Affairs Political and Economic:
Processing emotions -about current political state of affairs
How can I help heal my community right now?
Stress due to the current political situation and strategies to cope
Role Play Scripts
Sometimes the words just don't come to us. Sometimes we need a model before we realize we are capable of doing this. Borrow these words or edit them, just don't avoid.
Couples Conversation Role Play:
Role play affair at work with co worker how build in safety
Role play script navigating a new disability
Role play after an emotional affair
Role play alcohol and emotional safety
Role play chores
Role play constant bickering
Role play do you even like me
Role play financial and the worksheet
Role play in -laws
Role play intimacy
Role play job loss during recession
Role play parenting
Role play retirement
Role play she makes more than he does
Conflict skills- One of the best predictors of a successful, healthy long term relationship. Learn them!
The skills for emotional connection- Not everyone wants to connect emotionally, but if you do...
Tell your partner something they said hurt you- Sometimes you have to let them know it hurt. But how?
Basic communication about sex- These talks can be fun and enjoyable or awkward, depending on how you set them up.
The workbooks on sacred sexuality- If you want an in-depth experience of your sexuality and reach new heights...
Sexual Initiation style-how well do you know your partner- If you don't know the five styles, you are missing out
Magnificent Sex sexual technique and mental-emotional approaches- We focus on what makes sex worth having
Mindfulness and Sex, Growth Mindset throughout the relationship - Mindfulness and sex, Growth vs stagnant "settling"
Special Topics
Sugar cravings and strategies to help resist and recode your brain
Giving up chocolate and strategies to set it up for success
Anger release- with somatic exercises
Coming home from deployment (What I want you to know)
Couples parenting worksheet clarify validate and negotiation
Family boundaries possible scripts
Gentle somatic exercises for chronic pain
About my adhd (Tell your partner about your ADHD)
Migraine telling my other half
Miscarriage grieving
Note to family regarding a boundary
Sexual desire changes and how to talk about them
Unacceptable urge and rumination
What I need you to know about my ptsd to partner
Why do people aggravate other people on purpose
Anxious because the text reply took awhile- pep talk
When you are super busy when we get together
The Ex or Previous Partner
Each new relationship means a negotiation and a renegotiation or series thereof. You cannot get around it. How does it land for you when you hear your partner talking about the previous relationship? Here are some ideas and scripts for how to process it yourself or possible wording if you want to tell your partner how it landed.
Processing my feelings about her previous relationships and my place
My feelings about her past relationship multiple ways a how to guide
She tells you about the ex- multiple drafts and journal prompts for building emotional safety
Stories about your ex come up often sex related how to tell her
Your stories about your ex and your shared intimacy- how to tell them the impact it has on you
Pep talk and trigger prompts (to help you heal and be present) after hearing a story from her past
Seniors
Here is a guide regarding the benefits of assisted living for seniors living with mental health disorders.
Assisted living Benefits
You might like this link as well.
When senior spouses need different levels-of-care
Boice Counseling for Couples
If it is results you are after, let’s make sure you have the support, the reminders, the habits necessary. Let’s add a feedback loop, a booster, weekly review and watch how much easier it is to maintain the changes.
Remember how long you waited to address the issues? You won’t do that again.
That was too risky and your family is too valuable to risk like that.
Call Michelle, the Office Manager 585.544.5342 and join your peers in stacking the deck in favor of your relationship.
Retreat
Ask me about the Retreat Series, now in workbook form so you can go at your own pace.
Enlightenment Through Ecstasy: An Adventure Into Sacred Sexuality Retreats
Working with couples affords me many insights for how to help them reach a new level. There does not have to be a "problem." You might be going from great to "Oh my goodness."
Sexuality is vital, transformative and does not originate in the genitals and is not contained by the bedroom. Make love with the parts of you that make love. Let's get you talking about emotional and physical intimacy.
To Schedule an Appointment, Contact Michelle, the Office Manager
585.544.5342
That is what “get results” means. If you need help with that, I am here for you. In my experience, having an outside person holding you accountable can be valuable to getting your relationship the results it deserves.
Try this, put in your phone that you will do a tuneup every 6 months to ensure you are on track. That is in addition to the weekly review. What do you think would happen in your relationship if you held yourself accountable that frequently?
Tuneup Session
For an appointment, call Michelle, the Office Manager, at 585.544.5342
Men do not always go to couples counseling
Men who come to Don tend to attend regularly, do the homework and value the process, which makes it more likely to work. If either party won't attend, couples counseling cannot work. There are some men who won't go to a woman couples counselor. There are also men who won't go at all or won't go to a man. That does not seem to be an issue with the woman (in a heterosexual relationship).
Ethics matter
Did you know that research shows an individual working on the relationship (alone) in counseling almost guarantees the relationship will fail?
Did you know that the code of ethics states that Counselors are expressly prohibited from telling you to break up?
Did you know that it is insurance fraud to bill insurance for on-going couples sessions as individual sessions?
What Can I Expect?
- Don will help clients develop effective coping skills so they can withstand the stress of conflict and live their lives more fully. You can tell that Don likes information and making it free whenever possible, by checking out each page of his website. Consider subscribing to the blog to be up to date on what he is reading.
- Don's style is very gentle and tactful. No ganging up, no one is made to be a fool, and there is no one "in your face."
- Clients set the pace and the direction and Don keeps them on track. Consider reading the blog on this site and the articles (the links on the previous page on website and the links below on website) for homework. To help keep couples on track, Don created a YouTube Playlist to accompany couples for a full year, so that they could still get guidance, but not be actively in counseling. It helps with sustaining the progress made in counseling. Links to the YouTube playlist "Top Notch Couples Keep the Spark Alive Weekly Review." Keep the Spark Alive
- Privacy and boundaries are always respected. Clients choose to share as much or as little of the story, the personal details, as they wish.
- You do not come in every week for the rest of your life. You become independently capable. The idea is to learn the skill, practice it at home and get in a bunch of repetitions until you believe you have mastered it and can use it without Don. Usually, that means coming in a few times until you have momentum and then you practice it on your own. You come back to counseling to make sure you are doing it right or when a new issue has come up. You read and practice the skills and use Don as a consultant or coach. more than as a therapist.
Skills Approach
Don helps clients increase their conflict resolution skills, their ability to emotionally connect, so they can be more independent and achieve greater well-being. People tend to appreciate the skills approach as they choose what to disclose, when to disclose it and they gain the confidence necessary to work on themselves outside of the sessions.
Short-term Focus
Don's goal is to have people not come for long periods of time. Counseling is not meant to be forever. As you learn the skills, you'll find that you can have these discussions without Don and then save both time and money, not to mention reduce hostility. You are welcome to return, but not required to do so. You have free will and it is respected.
Counseling is not about being dependent on a counselor. With regular practice, consistently doing the homework (and practicing the skills learned in counseling) and by learning new skills, counseling does not need to be long-term. The skills learned can be applied to a variety of issues people face in their lives.
Check out the blog for ideas for your relationship.
Repetitions
Don believes in the value of practicing between sessions. Just like athletes who must train between games to improve their performance, clients find their sessions more valuable when they regularly practice between sessions. Those who do the work tend to need fewer sessions and find the peace they seek more quickly.
If you want to be a superstar in therapy, check out these resources
Session Worksheet (click this to see how people organize themselves to get the most from their session)
Want to be super prepared for counseling? Get a notebook and write down your goals. After every session, spend a few minutes thinking about what went well and what went poorly. What do you want to do differently next session? What do you need from the counselor as well. Please ask yourself, "Am I getting my money's worth?" That keeps you working your hardest and using the sessions strategically. Or fill in the sheet entitled, "Session Worksheet."
Want to do a regular review of your relationship?
State of the Union
New to Couples Counseling? Read this.
Get The Most Out of Couples Counseling (by doing these things)
I invite people to fill this out and help me improve my services to you.
Survey for Couples to Improve Sessions
Date night- Everyone has heard of this idea and some have heard the research behind it. Keep your relationship alive. No more excuses. Stack the deck in favor of your relationship.
Brainstorming Creative Ideas for Dating in the Rochester Area, I am guessing many of these will be new.
Brainstorm With These Date Ideas
Build your relationship with your partner. That, in conjunction with reducing conflict, helps save relationships.
Getting to Know Your Partner Again
and 20 Soul Level Exercises (to deepen the emotional connection)
*Couples Handout with links to multiple videos and articles
Handouts to Couples (bunch of articles/videos)
Healthy Conflict
Check out a wonderful process for highly emotional and conflict laden conversations.
Talker and Listener
Improve your skills in negotiation here with both Nash Equilibrium and Bayes Rule. They both won the Nobel Prize in Economics for their simplicity and elegance in negotiating.
Bayes Rule With Nash Equilibrium
Significantly reduce the likelihood of conflict by clarifying and validating. Check out the number of examples from client sessions and how you might want to respond to get that emotional connection. Please do the practice!
Practice Clarification and Validation
Is your knowledge about gender communication sufficient?
Masculine and Feminine Communication Patterns
Check out how to get better skills and insights regarding conflict, building your friendship again and talking about difficult subjects with tact.
Build Positive and Remove Negative in Your Relationship. Great Wording for I Statements
Almost every couple could benefit from these initial goals.
Conflict Goals for Couples
Brilliant people look for, and find, patterns, and efficiently get results by removing the root causes. What patterns do you notice and what are you doing about them?
Patterns We Notice
When you find a negative pattern, what do you do?
Conflict -Interrupting the Pattern
Not this argument again!!
Recurring Argument and How To Stop
When we complain, we lose the audience. Want to increase your odds of being heard? Use needs language instead of complaining. No rehashing the past or giving examples that the partner can disprove. We set you up for success.
Needs Language Helps You Get Your Message Across- This is What I Need in the Future
Validation
Practice, Practice, Practice Clarification and Validation
Contempt is a good predictor of the relationship ending. Do you want it to end or do you want to work on your side?
Homework for Contempt
Triggers tell us where we are not fully healed. If I am triggered, I can be certain that I have a wound that was hit. A trigger means that I myself think that I am over reacting, rather than responding to the current reality. Let's heal that.
Healing Your Triggers
Affairs and Healing
Affair how to heal
Conversation about boundaries and affair prevention
Core emotional needs in romantic relationships
Couples healing worksheet after emotional affair
Couples intimacy reconnection exercises
Couples reflection- Journal prompt for emotional connection
Emotions
How can I be there for you?
How do I deal with triggers from avoidant attachment?
Feelings list
How to identify feel and discharge emotions
How to support your partner and hold space for someone with emotions
Somaticize and how to heal
How can I be more emotionally expressive?
I am entitled to feel how I feel
Abandonment
Abandoned inner child prompts and worksheets
Abandonment healing exercises- somatic
Abandonment pep talk
Managing emotional pain from breakup or emotional withdrawal
Pain
Is my pain rear?
Is your relationship a priority?
Prioritize your connection
Prioritize your relationship
Relationship toolkit for busy couples
I want to bid better
How to manage when people feel intimidated
Journal prompts for couples to deepen their trust
Mini repair- ritual for after an argument
Self conscious (using dancing as a topic this time) and how to change/heal that
How to be a better kisser (What couple doesn't want to improve?)
Needs List
Needs list 50 most common needs
What do you need? Care card
Courageous Conversations
Let's all step up to the plate and practice being brave and say what needs to be said in a way that is respectful, authentic, honest, vulnerable and transparent.. Here is a series of scripts and ideas to support us on our journey to making the world just a little better. Click on any link below to read the ideas in the document.
How can I be more emotionally expressive?
Job loss during a recession- supportive statements
Are you angry with me? (How to better ask and check in)
I want to be appreciative as well as critical with a suggested (ideal) reply
Tell her when you feel safest emotionally
Don't blame me for what you did wrong and- responding to criticism when super sensitive to criticism
The support I need is not like that (Ask for what you need in terms of support- give ideas and options)
Your words are not aligned with your actions
Being open with my emotions with you (how to have that conversation)
You don't listen (how to be kind and tactful when you tell them you want them to listen)
What I heard vs what you said- when there is a misunderstanding -script
You were talking about another guy- scripted response
You don't support me the way I want you to support
You are replaceable (That hurt to hear that, is that what you meant?)
Your trip or traveling - I might need more communication first
That is all I have to say (I am done with this conversation, unilaterally)
I see the good in you and I additionally have something critical to point out
Come closer, no not that close- Journal prompts and affirmations and role play/script
You don't have to come over versus "I invite you to come over" (I want to feel welcome and invited, not tolerated)
"You are doing your feelings wrong" (I would prefer we talk to each other with more vulnerability)
When you correct me, I feel...
Interrupting me -script
Hold the floor- script (We are each talking too long, as if to keep the other at bay)
"Do you even like me?" (Many conflicts go back to this- Do you still like/love me?)
"Walking on eggshells" is hyperbole - I do want you to consider my feelings when we talk
Feeling dismissed by you doesn't feel good
How to Cope with the Current State of Affairs Political and Economic:
Processing emotions -about current political state of affairs
How can I help heal my community right now?
Stress due to the current political situation and strategies to cope
Role Play Scripts
Sometimes the words just don't come to us. Sometimes we need a model before we realize we are capable of doing this. Borrow these words or edit them, just don't avoid.
Couples Conversation Role Play:
Role play affair at work with co worker how build in safety
Role play script navigating a new disability
Role play after an emotional affair
Role play alcohol and emotional safety
Role play chores
Role play constant bickering
Role play do you even like me
Role play financial and the worksheet
Role play in -laws
Role play intimacy
Role play job loss during recession
Role play parenting
Role play retirement
Role play she makes more than he does
Conflict skills- One of the best predictors of a successful, healthy long term relationship. Learn them!
The skills for emotional connection- Not everyone wants to connect emotionally, but if you do...
Tell your partner something they said hurt you- Sometimes you have to let them know it hurt. But how?
Basic communication about sex- These talks can be fun and enjoyable or awkward, depending on how you set them up.
The workbooks on sacred sexuality- If you want an in-depth experience of your sexuality and reach new heights...
Sexual Initiation style-how well do you know your partner- If you don't know the five styles, you are missing out
Magnificent Sex sexual technique and mental-emotional approaches- We focus on what makes sex worth having
Mindfulness and Sex, Growth Mindset throughout the relationship - Mindfulness and sex, Growth vs stagnant "settling"
Special Topics
Sugar cravings and strategies to help resist and recode your brain
Giving up chocolate and strategies to set it up for success
Anger release- with somatic exercises
Coming home from deployment (What I want you to know)
Couples parenting worksheet clarify validate and negotiation
Family boundaries possible scripts
Gentle somatic exercises for chronic pain
About my adhd (Tell your partner about your ADHD)
Migraine telling my other half
Miscarriage grieving
Note to family regarding a boundary
Sexual desire changes and how to talk about them
Unacceptable urge and rumination
What I need you to know about my ptsd to partner
Why do people aggravate other people on purpose
Anxious because the text reply took awhile- pep talk
When you are super busy when we get together
The Ex or Previous Partner
Each new relationship means a negotiation and a renegotiation or series thereof. You cannot get around it. How does it land for you when you hear your partner talking about the previous relationship? Here are some ideas and scripts for how to process it yourself or possible wording if you want to tell your partner how it landed.
Processing my feelings about her previous relationships and my place
My feelings about her past relationship multiple ways a how to guide
She tells you about the ex- multiple drafts and journal prompts for building emotional safety
Stories about your ex come up often sex related how to tell her
Your stories about your ex and your shared intimacy- how to tell them the impact it has on you
Pep talk and trigger prompts (to help you heal and be present) after hearing a story from her past
Seniors
Here is a guide regarding the benefits of assisted living for seniors living with mental health disorders.
Assisted living Benefits
You might like this link as well.
When senior spouses need different levels-of-care
Boice Counseling for Couples
If it is results you are after, let’s make sure you have the support, the reminders, the habits necessary. Let’s add a feedback loop, a booster, weekly review and watch how much easier it is to maintain the changes.
Remember how long you waited to address the issues? You won’t do that again.
That was too risky and your family is too valuable to risk like that.
Call Michelle, the Office Manager 585.544.5342 and join your peers in stacking the deck in favor of your relationship.
Retreat
Ask me about the Retreat Series, now in workbook form so you can go at your own pace.
Enlightenment Through Ecstasy: An Adventure Into Sacred Sexuality Retreats
Working with couples affords me many insights for how to help them reach a new level. There does not have to be a "problem." You might be going from great to "Oh my goodness."
Sexuality is vital, transformative and does not originate in the genitals and is not contained by the bedroom. Make love with the parts of you that make love. Let's get you talking about emotional and physical intimacy.
To Schedule an Appointment, Contact Michelle, the Office Manager
585.544.5342
