Couples Counseling
You can read all you want, get all the information you need, but you need to put it into practice repeatedly and consistently, you need to sustain the gains.
That is what “get results” means. If you need help with that, I am here for you. In my experience, having an outside person holding you accountable can be valuable to getting your relationship the results it deserves.
Try this, put in your phone that you will do a tuneup every 6 months to ensure you are on track. That is in addition to the weekly review. What do you think would happen in your relationship if you held yourself accountable that frequently?
Tuneup Session
Call Michelle, the Office Manager, at 585.544.5342
Men do not always go to couples counseling. Men who come to Don tend to attend regularly, do the homework and value the process, which makes it more likely to work. If either party won't attend, couples counseling cannot work. There are some men who won't go to a woman couples counselor. There are also men who won't go at all or won't go to a man. That does not seem to be an issue with the woman (in a heterosexual relationship).
Ethics matter:
Did you know that research shows an individual working on the relationship in counseling almost guarantees the relationship will fail?
Did you know that the code of ethics states that we are expressly prohibited from telling you to break up?
Did you know that it is insurance fraud to bill insurance for on-going couples sessions as individual sessions?
What Can I Expect?
Skills Approach: Don helps clients increase their conflict resolution skills, their ability to emotionally connect, so they can be more independent and achieve greater well-being. People tend to appreciate the skills approach as they choose what to disclose, when to disclose it and they gain the confidence necessary to work on themselves outside of the sessions.
Short-term focus: Don's goal is to have people not come for long periods of time. Counseling is not meant to be forever. As you learn the skills, you'll find that you can have these discussions without Don and then save both time and money, not to mention reduce hostility. You are welcome to return, but not required to do so. You have free will and it is respected.
Counseling is not about being dependent on a counselor. With regular practice, consistently doing the homework (and practicing the skills learned in counseling) and by learning new skills, counseling does not need to be long-term. The skills learned can be applied to a variety of issues people face in their lives.
Check out the blog for ideas for your relationship.
Repetitions: Don believes in the value of practicing between sessions. Just like athletes who must train between games to improve their performance, clients find their sessions more valuable when they regularly practice between sessions. Those who do the work tend to need fewer sessions and find the peace they seek more quickly.
If you want to be a superstar in therapy, check out these resources
Session Worksheet (click this to see how people organize themselves to get the most from their session)
Want to be super prepared for counseling? Get a notebook and write down your goals. After every session, spend a few minutes thinking about what went well and what went poorly. What do you want to do differently next session? What do you need from the counselor as well. Please ask yourself, "Am I getting my money's worth?" That keeps you working your hardest and using the sessions strategically. Or fill in the sheet entitled, "Session Worksheet."
New to Couples Counseling? Read this
Get The Most Out of Couples Counseling by doing these things
I invite people to fill this out and help me improve my services to you.
Surveys for Couples to Improve Sessions
Date night- Everyone has heard of this idea and some have heard the research behind it. Keep your relationship alive. No more excuses. Stack the deck in favor of your relationship.
Brainstorming Creative Ideas for Dating in the Rochester Area, I am guessing many of these will be new
Brainstorm Date Ideas
Build your relationship with your partner. That, in conjunction with reducing conflict, helps save relationships
Getting to Know Your Partner Again
*Couples Handout with links to multiple videos and articles
Handouts to Couples
Healthy Conflict
Check out a wonderful process for highly emotional and conflict laden conversations
Talker and Listener
Improve your skills in negotiation here with both Nash Equilibrium and Bayes Rule. They both won the Nobel Prize in Economics for their simplicity and elegance in negotiating
Bayes Rule With Nash Equilibrium
Significantly reduce the likelihood of conflict by clarifying and validating. Check out the number of examples from client sessions and how you might want to respond to get that emotional connection. Please do the practice!
Practice Clarification and Validation
Is your knowledge about gender communication sufficient?
Masculine and Feminine Communication Patterns
Check out how to get better skills and insights regarding conflict, building your friendship again and talking about difficult subjects with tact
Build Positive and Remove Negative in Your Relationship. Great Wording for I Statements
Almost every couple could benefit from these initial goals
Conflict Goals for Couples
Brilliant people look for, and find, patterns, and efficiently get results by removing the root causes. What patterns do you notice and what are you doing about them?
Patterns We Notice
When you find a negative pattern, what do you do?
Conflict -Interrupting the Pattern
Not this argument again!!
Recurring Argument and How To Stop
When we complain, we lose the audience. Want to increase your odds of being heard? Use needs language instead of complaining. No rehashing the past or giving examples that the partner can disprove. We set you up for success.
Needs Language Helps You Get Your Message Across- This is What I Need in the Future
Validation
Practice, Practice, Practice Clarification and Validation
Contempt is a good predictor of the relationship ending. Do you want it to end or do you want to work on your side?
Homework for Contempt
Triggers tell us where we are not fully healed. If I am triggered, I can be certain that I have a wound that was hit. A trigger means that I myself think that I am over reacting, rather than responding to the current reality. Let's heal that.
Healing Your Triggers
Here is a guide regarding the benefits of assisted living for seniors living with mental health disorders
Assisted living Benefits
You might like this link as well
When senior spouses need different levels-of-care
Singles Mingle Handouts for Healthy, Long- Term Relationships
Let's redefine success here. Not getting into a bad relationship means you did something right. Getting out of a bad relationship means you did something right. Just because you are not currently in a relationship, does not mean you are not learning and growing. I appreciate your patience and making the dating culture healthier.
First evening handouts- About Singles Mingle and asking for your input the first night
Starter packet for dating mini-series- Want to take a deeper dive right away? About 24 pages
Predicting relationship success- We don't have a crystal ball, we do have research that helps us predict Here is the YouTube video of this: www.youtube.com/watch
How to not die alone- Great book on dating, research based with Gottman's work Here is the YouTube video of this: www.youtube.com/watch
Year one post divorce -Preparing for Dating after Divorce
Five attraction switches- Do you know how to attract someone or do you wing it?
What am I looking for in a partner- If you know what you are looking for, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it
Online profile from photos to writing to branding yourself- Which photos and why? What should I write? What is my brand? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
How to choose a date - So many options, how do I choose? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
How to mentally and emotionally prepare with a pre date ritual- Are you ready to go on the date? How do you prepare? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Relationship Lite: What level of relationship do you want- Not everyone wants the same thing. Once a week, just texting, hookup, long term healthy relationship where you meet a few times a week Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Preparing for a date- We think we are prepared, but are we? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Meet and Greet How to Prepare video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Deal breakers and red flags- Did you know that we tend to put up with too much when we are desperate to connect? See the YouTube (do you get the humor of the first few seconds?): www.youtube.com
Better flirting - Recognize your style and why flirting is a vital part of the package. See the youtube video: www.youtube.com
How to stay out of the friend zone You want to be friendly and show romantic interest and not be creepy all at once. Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
How to be unforgettable when telling your story- If you are bored by the stories you tell, your date will be, too. Video here: www.youtube.com
Date survey- did it go well- Although this part is satirical, you might actually use some of it to review your date and improve
How to say "no" when you need to and how to hear "no"- You will both say and hear the word no a bunch. Get ready for it.
Does it have to be awkward? The first kiss- If you have not been on a date in 20 years or so, the rules have changed...
Closure after a potential relationship ends - You got your hopes up and it ended too soon. Get closure
Conflict skills- One of the best predictors of a successful, healthy long term relationship. Learn them!
The dreaded STI conversation- Awkward -how are you protecting your partner and yourself from diseases? Practical tips
The skills for emotional connection- Not everyone wants to connect emotionally, but if you do...
Tell your partner something they said hurt you- Sometimes you have to let them know it hurt. But how?
Basic communication about sex- These talks can be fun and enjoyable or awkward, depending on how you set them up.
The workbooks on sacred sexuality- If you want an in-depth experience of your sexuality and reach new heights...
Sexual Initiation style-how well do you know your partner- If you don't know the five styles, you are missing out
Magnificent Sex sexual technique and mental-emotional approaches- We focus on what makes sex worth having
Mindfulness and Sex, Growth Mindset throughout the relationship - Mindfulness and sex, Growth vs stagnant "settling"
If, after reading those, you would like my presenter's notes, email me. The above are just the handouts to go with the mini series. It is possible that I have made a few YouTube videos that might be of interest to you that include the above information.
On this page, there are many articles that can help once you achieve relationship status and are out of the initial dating stage.
Boice Counseling for Couples
If it is results you are after, let’s make sure you have the support, the reminders, the habits necessary. Let’s add a feedback loop, a booster, weekly review and watch how much easier it is to maintain the changes.
Remember how long you waited to address the issues? You won’t do that again.
That was too risky and your family is too valuable to risk like that.
Call Michelle, the Office Manager 585.544.5342 and join your peers in stacking the deck in favor of your relationship.
Ask me about the Retreat Series, now in workbook form so you can go at your own pace.
Enlightenment Through Ecstasy: An Adventure Into Sacred Sexuality Retreats
Working with couples affords me many insights for how to help them reach a new level. There does not have to be a "problem." You might be going from great to "Oh my goodness."
Sexuality is vital, transformative and does not originate in the genitals and is not contained by the bedroom. Make love with the parts of you that make love. Let's get you talking about emotional and physical intimacy.
To Schedule an Appointment, Contact Michelle, the Office Manager
585.544.5342
That is what “get results” means. If you need help with that, I am here for you. In my experience, having an outside person holding you accountable can be valuable to getting your relationship the results it deserves.
Try this, put in your phone that you will do a tuneup every 6 months to ensure you are on track. That is in addition to the weekly review. What do you think would happen in your relationship if you held yourself accountable that frequently?
Tuneup Session
Call Michelle, the Office Manager, at 585.544.5342
Men do not always go to couples counseling. Men who come to Don tend to attend regularly, do the homework and value the process, which makes it more likely to work. If either party won't attend, couples counseling cannot work. There are some men who won't go to a woman couples counselor. There are also men who won't go at all or won't go to a man. That does not seem to be an issue with the woman (in a heterosexual relationship).
Ethics matter:
Did you know that research shows an individual working on the relationship in counseling almost guarantees the relationship will fail?
Did you know that the code of ethics states that we are expressly prohibited from telling you to break up?
Did you know that it is insurance fraud to bill insurance for on-going couples sessions as individual sessions?
What Can I Expect?
- Don will help clients develop effective coping skills so they can withstand the stress of conflict and live their lives more fully. You can tell that Don likes information and making it free whenever possible, by checking out each page of his website. Consider subscribing to the blog to be up to date on what he is reading.
- Don's style is very gentle and tactful. No ganging up, no one is made to be a fool, and there is no one "in your face."
- Clients set the pace and the direction and Don keeps them on track. Consider reading the blog on this site and the articles (the links on the previous page on website and the links below on website) for homework. To help keep couples on track, Don created a YouTube Playlist to accompany couples for a full year, so that they could still get guidance, but not be actively in counseling. It helps with sustaining the progress made in counseling. Links to the YouTube playlist "Top Notch Couples Keep the Spark Alive Weekly Review." Keep the Spark Alive
- Privacy and boundaries are always respected. Clients choose to share as much or as little of the story, the personal details, as they wish.
- You do not come in every week for the rest of your life. You become independently capable. The idea is to learn the skill, practice it at home and get in a bunch of repetitions until you believe you have mastered it and can use it without Don. Usually, that means coming in a few times until you have momentum and then you practice it on your own. You come back to counseling to make sure you are doing it right or when a new issue has come up. You read and practice the skills and use Don as a consultant or coach. more than as a therapist.
Skills Approach: Don helps clients increase their conflict resolution skills, their ability to emotionally connect, so they can be more independent and achieve greater well-being. People tend to appreciate the skills approach as they choose what to disclose, when to disclose it and they gain the confidence necessary to work on themselves outside of the sessions.
Short-term focus: Don's goal is to have people not come for long periods of time. Counseling is not meant to be forever. As you learn the skills, you'll find that you can have these discussions without Don and then save both time and money, not to mention reduce hostility. You are welcome to return, but not required to do so. You have free will and it is respected.
Counseling is not about being dependent on a counselor. With regular practice, consistently doing the homework (and practicing the skills learned in counseling) and by learning new skills, counseling does not need to be long-term. The skills learned can be applied to a variety of issues people face in their lives.
Check out the blog for ideas for your relationship.
Repetitions: Don believes in the value of practicing between sessions. Just like athletes who must train between games to improve their performance, clients find their sessions more valuable when they regularly practice between sessions. Those who do the work tend to need fewer sessions and find the peace they seek more quickly.
If you want to be a superstar in therapy, check out these resources
Session Worksheet (click this to see how people organize themselves to get the most from their session)
Want to be super prepared for counseling? Get a notebook and write down your goals. After every session, spend a few minutes thinking about what went well and what went poorly. What do you want to do differently next session? What do you need from the counselor as well. Please ask yourself, "Am I getting my money's worth?" That keeps you working your hardest and using the sessions strategically. Or fill in the sheet entitled, "Session Worksheet."
New to Couples Counseling? Read this
Get The Most Out of Couples Counseling by doing these things
I invite people to fill this out and help me improve my services to you.
Surveys for Couples to Improve Sessions
Date night- Everyone has heard of this idea and some have heard the research behind it. Keep your relationship alive. No more excuses. Stack the deck in favor of your relationship.
Brainstorming Creative Ideas for Dating in the Rochester Area, I am guessing many of these will be new
Brainstorm Date Ideas
Build your relationship with your partner. That, in conjunction with reducing conflict, helps save relationships
Getting to Know Your Partner Again
*Couples Handout with links to multiple videos and articles
Handouts to Couples
Healthy Conflict
Check out a wonderful process for highly emotional and conflict laden conversations
Talker and Listener
Improve your skills in negotiation here with both Nash Equilibrium and Bayes Rule. They both won the Nobel Prize in Economics for their simplicity and elegance in negotiating
Bayes Rule With Nash Equilibrium
Significantly reduce the likelihood of conflict by clarifying and validating. Check out the number of examples from client sessions and how you might want to respond to get that emotional connection. Please do the practice!
Practice Clarification and Validation
Is your knowledge about gender communication sufficient?
Masculine and Feminine Communication Patterns
Check out how to get better skills and insights regarding conflict, building your friendship again and talking about difficult subjects with tact
Build Positive and Remove Negative in Your Relationship. Great Wording for I Statements
Almost every couple could benefit from these initial goals
Conflict Goals for Couples
Brilliant people look for, and find, patterns, and efficiently get results by removing the root causes. What patterns do you notice and what are you doing about them?
Patterns We Notice
When you find a negative pattern, what do you do?
Conflict -Interrupting the Pattern
Not this argument again!!
Recurring Argument and How To Stop
When we complain, we lose the audience. Want to increase your odds of being heard? Use needs language instead of complaining. No rehashing the past or giving examples that the partner can disprove. We set you up for success.
Needs Language Helps You Get Your Message Across- This is What I Need in the Future
Validation
Practice, Practice, Practice Clarification and Validation
Contempt is a good predictor of the relationship ending. Do you want it to end or do you want to work on your side?
Homework for Contempt
Triggers tell us where we are not fully healed. If I am triggered, I can be certain that I have a wound that was hit. A trigger means that I myself think that I am over reacting, rather than responding to the current reality. Let's heal that.
Healing Your Triggers
Here is a guide regarding the benefits of assisted living for seniors living with mental health disorders
Assisted living Benefits
You might like this link as well
When senior spouses need different levels-of-care
Singles Mingle Handouts for Healthy, Long- Term Relationships
Let's redefine success here. Not getting into a bad relationship means you did something right. Getting out of a bad relationship means you did something right. Just because you are not currently in a relationship, does not mean you are not learning and growing. I appreciate your patience and making the dating culture healthier.
First evening handouts- About Singles Mingle and asking for your input the first night
Starter packet for dating mini-series- Want to take a deeper dive right away? About 24 pages
Predicting relationship success- We don't have a crystal ball, we do have research that helps us predict Here is the YouTube video of this: www.youtube.com/watch
How to not die alone- Great book on dating, research based with Gottman's work Here is the YouTube video of this: www.youtube.com/watch
Year one post divorce -Preparing for Dating after Divorce
Five attraction switches- Do you know how to attract someone or do you wing it?
What am I looking for in a partner- If you know what you are looking for, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it
Online profile from photos to writing to branding yourself- Which photos and why? What should I write? What is my brand? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
How to choose a date - So many options, how do I choose? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
How to mentally and emotionally prepare with a pre date ritual- Are you ready to go on the date? How do you prepare? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Relationship Lite: What level of relationship do you want- Not everyone wants the same thing. Once a week, just texting, hookup, long term healthy relationship where you meet a few times a week Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Preparing for a date- We think we are prepared, but are we? Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Meet and Greet How to Prepare video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
Deal breakers and red flags- Did you know that we tend to put up with too much when we are desperate to connect? See the YouTube (do you get the humor of the first few seconds?): www.youtube.com
Better flirting - Recognize your style and why flirting is a vital part of the package. See the youtube video: www.youtube.com
How to stay out of the friend zone You want to be friendly and show romantic interest and not be creepy all at once. Video on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch
How to be unforgettable when telling your story- If you are bored by the stories you tell, your date will be, too. Video here: www.youtube.com
Date survey- did it go well- Although this part is satirical, you might actually use some of it to review your date and improve
How to say "no" when you need to and how to hear "no"- You will both say and hear the word no a bunch. Get ready for it.
Does it have to be awkward? The first kiss- If you have not been on a date in 20 years or so, the rules have changed...
Closure after a potential relationship ends - You got your hopes up and it ended too soon. Get closure
Conflict skills- One of the best predictors of a successful, healthy long term relationship. Learn them!
The dreaded STI conversation- Awkward -how are you protecting your partner and yourself from diseases? Practical tips
The skills for emotional connection- Not everyone wants to connect emotionally, but if you do...
Tell your partner something they said hurt you- Sometimes you have to let them know it hurt. But how?
Basic communication about sex- These talks can be fun and enjoyable or awkward, depending on how you set them up.
The workbooks on sacred sexuality- If you want an in-depth experience of your sexuality and reach new heights...
Sexual Initiation style-how well do you know your partner- If you don't know the five styles, you are missing out
Magnificent Sex sexual technique and mental-emotional approaches- We focus on what makes sex worth having
Mindfulness and Sex, Growth Mindset throughout the relationship - Mindfulness and sex, Growth vs stagnant "settling"
If, after reading those, you would like my presenter's notes, email me. The above are just the handouts to go with the mini series. It is possible that I have made a few YouTube videos that might be of interest to you that include the above information.
On this page, there are many articles that can help once you achieve relationship status and are out of the initial dating stage.
Boice Counseling for Couples
If it is results you are after, let’s make sure you have the support, the reminders, the habits necessary. Let’s add a feedback loop, a booster, weekly review and watch how much easier it is to maintain the changes.
Remember how long you waited to address the issues? You won’t do that again.
That was too risky and your family is too valuable to risk like that.
Call Michelle, the Office Manager 585.544.5342 and join your peers in stacking the deck in favor of your relationship.
Ask me about the Retreat Series, now in workbook form so you can go at your own pace.
Enlightenment Through Ecstasy: An Adventure Into Sacred Sexuality Retreats
Working with couples affords me many insights for how to help them reach a new level. There does not have to be a "problem." You might be going from great to "Oh my goodness."
Sexuality is vital, transformative and does not originate in the genitals and is not contained by the bedroom. Make love with the parts of you that make love. Let's get you talking about emotional and physical intimacy.
To Schedule an Appointment, Contact Michelle, the Office Manager
585.544.5342
