_  This is also from Time Magazine February 2008    Crazy Love    by Steven Pinker

“People shop for the most desirable person who will accept them. We call this dating. Most marriages pair a bride and groom of roughly equal desirability. You choose to set up house with the best that you have found so far. Your mate has gone through the same reasoning, which leaves you both vulnerable.”

" Want to be more secure in your relationship? Choose someone who is emotionally committed to you because you are you not by your objective mate value. Then that emotion will not be changed when someone comes along with a higher mate value than you.”

_  I recently re-read my notes on the Time Magazine article from 2008 and wanted to share it with you:

Why We Love    by Jeffrey Kluger (Time, January 28, 2008)

Susan Sprecher wrote, “It seemed only people in the West were goofy enough to marry for passionate love.”


“Men see ample breasts and broad hips as indicators of a woman’s ability to bear and nurse children. Women see a broad chest and shoulders as a sign of someone who can keep lions away from the cave and bring meat home. A hairy chest and full beard (while not currently in vogue) are signs of healthy testosterone flow that gives rise to both fertility and strength.”
 

The sensation of romance is processed in 3 areas in our brain. One releases “dopamine which regulates reward and feels thrilling. It creates craving, motivation, goal-oriented behavior-and ecstasy.” Serotonin and oxytocin are others. “If ever there was a substance designed to bind people together, it is oxytocin. New mothers are flooded with the stuff during labor and nursing- that is one reason they connect so well to their babies before they know them as anything more than a squirmy body and a hungry mouth. Live-in fathers get the elevated oxytocin.”

Jim Pfaus notes  “you start drawing connections to the person who was present when those good feelings were created. You think someone made you feel good, but it was really your brain’s chemicals that made you feel good.”

So what is the downside, you ask?

"IT IS UNSUSTAINABLE OVER TIME. The eventual goal of any couple is to pass beyond the serial dating, the thrill of early love and into what is known as companionate love. There is not a lick of excitement about it. It is reading the Sunday paper together. They need a love that bonds them to each other but without the distracting passionate love. Nearly all relationship must settle and cool. They did brain studies and very, very few still had fMRI studies confirming that they still feel romantic after years of being together."

Please think of the implications of that. So many couples want to end the relationship because one of them is “not in love.”  What they fail to realize is how normal and natural and perhaps even good, that is. Their expectations of reality are out of whack and they change partners, the pattern obviously will repeat. At some point, they will realize the mistake they have made, but only when the damage has been done.

I would love to hear your thoughts on  this article!

_

Thank you for the comments. I appreciate others being the conversation, you always add to it.

Some people are really defensive and no matter what you do, they will defend themselves. Having said that, most people, when they feel safe, do not defend themselves. Anything you can do to help them see the situation as safe will be helpful. This comes up in counseling all the time.

One of the best ways that someone can work on defensiveness is to ask the question, "Am I really being attacked or is there some truth to what the other person is saying?"

When you are wrong, admit it and say, “I was wrong.” Ask for forgiveness, when you have done something wrong, have apologized and have done something to make sure it does not happen again and time has elapsed.

Have you noticed in your relationship that one of you struggles with apologizing? For some people, it looks as if it costs them money to apologize. It is a rarity. Perhaps, it is that they cannot fathom being wrong. Perhaps, they inaccurately see it as weakness to be wrong and to apologize (think Politicians). Perhaps, it is because when they admitted fault earlier in life, they were punished for it (very common by the way).

 

  Back off when you are arguing. Remember that feelings are the X Factor here. You may be totally rational, have made a wonderfully logical argument and then feelings coming into play. By nature, feelings are irrational, harder to predict. Why not act as if this person with whom you are talking is a good friend that has feelings? We are often more generous with friends than with those closest to us. We would never say to them the things that we say to our loved one.

The goal of arguing is to reestablish your connection, not to hurt the other person. If you are always right when you argue, you are doing something wrong.

 

  Change shoes (figuratively) for one day. Really try on their role and see if you would like being them. Looking at life from their perspective, how can you make the relationship even better?

Was it easier when you tried on his shoes or her shoes?

_ Welcome to my first official blog post on this website. I had been blogging on another site and wanted to make it more interactive and more convenient. Please join in the discussion here on the blog.

 

I just did a facilitated discussion with a wonderful group of couples. We separated the men and women and asked questions for them to discuss. For example, what are some things you wish women knew about men and men knew about women? What do you wish you knew about the other gender? I also asked them to write down blocks to communication. For example, when women say ____________________,( “Do the dishes?”) what do you think they mean? They had to fill in the blank and then ask the women. We did the same for women to men.

 

For the most part, we do not understand one another, one another’s motivations and we think we do. When we think we understand and fail to clarify, we fail to communicate effectively. When we make assumptions rather than ask (we agreed that was the lazy approach) we fail to communicate.

 

We spent a fair amount of time of how to give a man feedback without him saying back “Oh, that’s right, I am always wrong. Well you do the same thing.” or “You think you’re perfect, don’t you.”  Even when he is in a good mood, she asks nicely if he would like feedback, it is still hard to hear criticism. Even if you do everything right, what he is hearing is that he stinks, he is wrong, you are better than him and you are the person who holds the truth about him. Overall, it is a negative experience.

 

Someone pointed out that when we get criticized our ability to synthesize information is compromised. We attribute statements poorly and do not hear it in the manner in which it was intended. What the criticism really was, was an invitation to grow closer. Here is what she was trying to communicate, “I love you. There are some things that are happening that push me away from you. I would rather be close to you. Let’s work on these so that we can grow more deeply in love.” I can assure you that the men do not hear it that way without a heck of a lot of practice!

 

What if we just allowed our partners to be who they are? What if we stopped trying to change one another and believed that they are acceptable as they are? What if we trusted the process of life that people will grow at their own pace and we can be supportive, we can set up an environment for growth, but we cannot change people? How successful have we been at changing our partners? Even when I, myself, want to change, it is really tough. How much tougher is it when we try to change someone who does not want to be changed? By the way, we have found that when we fully accept someone as they are right now, they tend to change. Ironic isn’t it?

 
We could have stayed another few hours but two hours was all we were allotted.

Thank you to the group who came and shared.


If we can get along as couples, perhaps as communities we can get along better. If we use those skills, there is great hope for this world in which we live.

 
All the best,

Don

Welcome to my new Web site and this Blog.  I'll be updating it regularly so please visit often for news and information.  If you're looking for some advice on working on your relationship, please pick up a copy of the January issue of Rochester Healthy Living magazine.  In it, I have an article on "Relationship Resolutions" and specific tasks we all can take to improve our relationships with our partners.  You can also read it online at the Rochester Healthy Living Web site, page 11:  http://content.yudu.com/Library/A1v5md/RochesterHealthyLivi/resources/index.htm?referrerUrl=http%3A%2F%2Ffree.yudu.com%2Fitem%2Fdetails%2F456427%2FRochester-Healthy-Living-January-2012.