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Do You Complain Too Much?

1/30/2015

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Any Suggestions?

Everyone complains and yet some people are more successful with their complaining. That is, people listen when they complain and it seems to make them feel better. Sometimes that is because the audience is doing something and sometimes the complaining person is just doing it well.

Just complaining does not make people feel better, as a matter of fact, the body of research shows complaining hurts. You need to inform people if you are not doing well. How do you do it without complaining or dwelling?

As a marriage counselor, I hear a lot of complaints and I see some interesting patterns in my office. When men complain, they are frequently looked down upon. They are repeatedly told  “buck up and stop being weak/wimpy, grow a set, be a man.”  

Consider this- In my office, the man said, “I feel really sick. I haven’t called in to work in years and I just cannot do it today. I think I need to stay home today.”

I heard the woman say, “Why are men such babies when they are sick? Oh my God, I do it all when I am sick. I never get a day off. Must be nice.”  She scored a direct hit on the person she said she loved. She cut no slack. There is probably more to the story that I may never hear, but on the face value, this seemed wrong and I pointed out the inconsistency. Let me be direct: male bashing is wrong; so is female bashing. It does not help the situation; it only clouded the real issue and did not solve the problem.

The same couple just had a session a couple weeks back wherein she complained that he does not confide in her, does not let her in, does not get in touch with emotions and show his vulnerable side. With her statement, did she show herself to be someone that you would want to do this with? What role did she herself play in the very thing about which she complained?

This man previously had a serious illness and did the stereotypical male pattern of waiting way too long in seeking medical attention, worsening his situation. By the time he got to the doctor, it was too late for certain treatments and the doctor scolded him for “gutting it out.” 

Let me sidestep gender for a moment.

When either gender complains too much, however that might be defined, they lose their audience. It is okay to tell what problem you are having and often the expectation is that after telling the problem, the person with the problem will then take action to address the problem. Complaining again, without having done anything to fix it, tends to be met with a level of friction.

Having compassion and hearing the person out has its place.

My challenge to the audience is this- when you cannot hear it anymore, you just cannot stand it, please tell the person in a tactful manner. “I am so sorry that you are in pain and are suffering. I wish there were something I could do for you. I am having a hard time listening to it. It would be helpful to me if you would _____________, then I think I could listen better.”

Any suggestions?

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A Sell Out Crowd at the "Spineless Men" Workshop

1/15/2015

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What Does The Word "Love" Mean?

1/9/2015

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Love

That word gets thrown around my office quite a bit. It is overused and can be so loosely defined that it loses its meaning.

It rarely means the same thing from person to person. What does it mean? Can we agree on what it does not mean?

A typical counselor question is “Tell me why you stay with so and so.” This is not me telling them to break up, I want to see if it is possible to strengthen their reason for staying. Almost every person responds with a variation of “I love them.”

“I am confused. You say you love your partner and yet you just ___________ (fill in the blank with something that you would consider not loving). How do you reconcile that in your mind?”

When you say you love someone, does that mean that you are willing to sacrifice for them, to do things you would prefer not to do? Does it mean if they have a reasonable request you will consider it? Does it convey loyalty above obligation/duty? If you love someone, how do you let them know you love them? Loving people are recognized by doing loving things. Do you do loving things?

Here is how one man spoke his truth-

“Doggone it, I just want to hear it from your lips, okay. Just tell me you do not love me. Admit it. If you loved me, you could not possibly do the things you have done. You could not neglect me, ignore me, make and break promises so easily. That is not love- that is convenience. You love what I symbolize, what I represent. You love what I do for you, but I am not irreplaceable to you. I am not something special. Just be honest with yourself and with me. Admit you do not love me and let me go. I want you to be happy and you are clearly not that with me. I love you enough to let you be free and be loved. Let me be free!”

My challenge to you is to really look at what you mean when you use that word.

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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