Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski PhD
Spontaneous Desire or Responsive Desire?
Spontaneous desire appears in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
When they lie in bed together, cuddling and their skin touches their partner, the body wakes up and says “oh, right I like this person. I enjoy that.”
That is considered responsive desire.
They don’t suffer from an ailment.
They don’t have low desire. They don’t even long to initiate but feel like they’re not allowed to.
Their bodies need a more compelling reason than “sex is fun, that’s a person attractive person right there,” in order to crave sex.
They can be sexually satisfied, in a healthy relationship and yet never crave sex out of the blue.
It’s normal and healthy.
What if I told you that everyone’s sexual desire is responsive? It just feels more spontaneous for some and more responsive for others.
We are all made up of the same parts. The different organization of those parts result in different experiences.
50% of women could be either spontaneous or responsive. Most desire style is context dependent.
Desire is “pleasure in context.”
Be careful of what you believe and tell yourself because it may be inaccurate. Hormones and monogamy are unlikely to cause desire problems.
What is much more likely to cause desire problems is a sex- negative culture and the chasing dynamic.
What matters most is sex that is worth wanting.
Try on this mind exercise:
Imagine you’re comfortable not doing anything in particular and your partner touches your arm affectionately.
The touch travels from your arm up your spine to your brain. In this particular state of mind, your central nervous system is very quiet; there’s no other traffic, the sensation of the partners touch says “hey this is happening. What do you think?”
The brain responds “affection feels nice.”
Stimulation continues, your partner touches your arm affectionately, this sensation travels up to your brain and says “this is happening some more. What do you think?”
The brain says “affection feels really nice” and turns its attention more to that sensation.
Your partner starts kissing your neck. The sensation makes it way to your emotional brain and says “now this is happening. What do you think?”
By then the brain says “this is fantastic, get more of that.”
In that context, sexual desire feels responsive.
Scenario two you are stressed, exhausted, or overwhelmed. Your brain is very noisy. There’s heavy traffic, lots of yelling and horns honking about all the stuff that stressing you out. Your partner’s affectionate touch travels from your arm up your spine into your brain and says “this is happening. What do you think?”
The brain says, “What? I can’t hear you over all this noise.” By then, the sensation is over. Sensations are a little bit like Snapchat.
If your partner continues caressing and touching, the sensation keeps asking the brain, “This is still happening. What do you think?”
It might get your brain’s attention. The brain might say, “Are you kidding me? I have to contend with all this other noise.”
If the sensation gets noticed enough to expand out of the brain’s emotional area, it comes out in the form, “not now.”
Scenario three, your sexy, sexy partner has been away for two weeks, you’ve been sending each other frequent texts with flirty texting, gradually escalating into explicitness and intensity as you get more into teasing and tormenting each other.
By the end of the two weeks, just the sound of your phone, receiving a text, makes you gasp and tremble.
Every noise in your brain is chanting “sexy, sexy partner.”
By the time that your partner gets home and touches your arm affectionately, you are set to go off like a rocket.
In that context, the desire feels spontaneous. Is it really though?
If the context is right, the stimulation feels good and leads to desire.
Each of the three scenarios are normal, healthy sexuality.
Stimulation may not feel good, but can still lead to desire which is “wanting, without pleasure.”
This can also be normal, healthy sexuality.
Desire without pleasure is not the sexuality of people who have great, even good sex.
Look for the context to facilitate desire.
Consider what partner characteristics, relationship characteristics, setting, and other life circumstances create pleasure that leads to urgent longing.
See which of those you can alter in your life to create “spontaneous” desire.
This is the date night.
If your life does not currently allow for the context that facilitates spontaneous desire, you know you’re normal.
You can enjoy responsive desire until you find your way to a day-to-day life that allows spontaneous desire.
Sexual desire emerges and responds to pleasure-When it works. Which, sometimes it doesn’t.
What causes desire to “misbehave” and what do you do when it does?
Why does their desire diminish, sometimes?
Exhaustion, issues with mental or physical health, changes and body image, feeling, overwhelmed by the roles and obligations, feeling anxious and worried about sex itself, unwanted, pregnancy, taking too long to get aroused, not meeting expectations of partner.
Imagine being the partner that has to turn on the slow -heater partner?
Does it feel forced to do things to turn her on when she wasn’t already in the mood?
Does that feel coercive or manipulative?
Does it feel like you’re forcing the issue?
What if the assignment was to turn everything into low-key, no pressure, zero expectation, foreplay?
Cuddling and touching, slow, kisses, flowers, affectionate attention, like when they were first falling in love. No expectation of sex, no pressuring or convincing and definitely no no coercion.
If you are experiencing pain with sex, talk to a medical provider.
It might be hormonal or neurological or physiological, when pain is involved. Many couples forget to use lube or “under use” it, leading to uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings and experiences.
If you are experiencing low desire, hormones are the least likely culprit.
Spontaneous Desire or Responsive Desire?
Spontaneous desire appears in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
When they lie in bed together, cuddling and their skin touches their partner, the body wakes up and says “oh, right I like this person. I enjoy that.”
That is considered responsive desire.
They don’t suffer from an ailment.
They don’t have low desire. They don’t even long to initiate but feel like they’re not allowed to.
Their bodies need a more compelling reason than “sex is fun, that’s a person attractive person right there,” in order to crave sex.
They can be sexually satisfied, in a healthy relationship and yet never crave sex out of the blue.
It’s normal and healthy.
What if I told you that everyone’s sexual desire is responsive? It just feels more spontaneous for some and more responsive for others.
We are all made up of the same parts. The different organization of those parts result in different experiences.
50% of women could be either spontaneous or responsive. Most desire style is context dependent.
Desire is “pleasure in context.”
Be careful of what you believe and tell yourself because it may be inaccurate. Hormones and monogamy are unlikely to cause desire problems.
What is much more likely to cause desire problems is a sex- negative culture and the chasing dynamic.
What matters most is sex that is worth wanting.
Try on this mind exercise:
Imagine you’re comfortable not doing anything in particular and your partner touches your arm affectionately.
The touch travels from your arm up your spine to your brain. In this particular state of mind, your central nervous system is very quiet; there’s no other traffic, the sensation of the partners touch says “hey this is happening. What do you think?”
The brain responds “affection feels nice.”
Stimulation continues, your partner touches your arm affectionately, this sensation travels up to your brain and says “this is happening some more. What do you think?”
The brain says “affection feels really nice” and turns its attention more to that sensation.
Your partner starts kissing your neck. The sensation makes it way to your emotional brain and says “now this is happening. What do you think?”
By then the brain says “this is fantastic, get more of that.”
In that context, sexual desire feels responsive.
Scenario two you are stressed, exhausted, or overwhelmed. Your brain is very noisy. There’s heavy traffic, lots of yelling and horns honking about all the stuff that stressing you out. Your partner’s affectionate touch travels from your arm up your spine into your brain and says “this is happening. What do you think?”
The brain says, “What? I can’t hear you over all this noise.” By then, the sensation is over. Sensations are a little bit like Snapchat.
If your partner continues caressing and touching, the sensation keeps asking the brain, “This is still happening. What do you think?”
It might get your brain’s attention. The brain might say, “Are you kidding me? I have to contend with all this other noise.”
If the sensation gets noticed enough to expand out of the brain’s emotional area, it comes out in the form, “not now.”
Scenario three, your sexy, sexy partner has been away for two weeks, you’ve been sending each other frequent texts with flirty texting, gradually escalating into explicitness and intensity as you get more into teasing and tormenting each other.
By the end of the two weeks, just the sound of your phone, receiving a text, makes you gasp and tremble.
Every noise in your brain is chanting “sexy, sexy partner.”
By the time that your partner gets home and touches your arm affectionately, you are set to go off like a rocket.
In that context, the desire feels spontaneous. Is it really though?
If the context is right, the stimulation feels good and leads to desire.
Each of the three scenarios are normal, healthy sexuality.
Stimulation may not feel good, but can still lead to desire which is “wanting, without pleasure.”
This can also be normal, healthy sexuality.
Desire without pleasure is not the sexuality of people who have great, even good sex.
Look for the context to facilitate desire.
Consider what partner characteristics, relationship characteristics, setting, and other life circumstances create pleasure that leads to urgent longing.
See which of those you can alter in your life to create “spontaneous” desire.
This is the date night.
If your life does not currently allow for the context that facilitates spontaneous desire, you know you’re normal.
You can enjoy responsive desire until you find your way to a day-to-day life that allows spontaneous desire.
Sexual desire emerges and responds to pleasure-When it works. Which, sometimes it doesn’t.
What causes desire to “misbehave” and what do you do when it does?
Why does their desire diminish, sometimes?
Exhaustion, issues with mental or physical health, changes and body image, feeling, overwhelmed by the roles and obligations, feeling anxious and worried about sex itself, unwanted, pregnancy, taking too long to get aroused, not meeting expectations of partner.
Imagine being the partner that has to turn on the slow -heater partner?
Does it feel forced to do things to turn her on when she wasn’t already in the mood?
Does that feel coercive or manipulative?
Does it feel like you’re forcing the issue?
What if the assignment was to turn everything into low-key, no pressure, zero expectation, foreplay?
Cuddling and touching, slow, kisses, flowers, affectionate attention, like when they were first falling in love. No expectation of sex, no pressuring or convincing and definitely no no coercion.
If you are experiencing pain with sex, talk to a medical provider.
It might be hormonal or neurological or physiological, when pain is involved. Many couples forget to use lube or “under use” it, leading to uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings and experiences.
If you are experiencing low desire, hormones are the least likely culprit.
RSS Feed
