​Do You Know What You Need?

“What do I need? I need to feel safe in conversation with you. I need to not walk in with my hands ready to defend myself from a direct hit. I need to have faith that you’ll watch what you say and do the work of not saying hurtful things to me.”

The reply, “You are too sensitive.”

“You asked me what I need and I told you. You defended yourself by calling me too sensitive instead of listening to the needs. Perhaps I can work on how I express my needs, if something I said hit a nerve. Maybe I was doing a micro attack.”

​Imagine asking for your needs and having a conversation that goes deeper.

How do you set up your relationship to fail?
​
Please note, this list is not exhaustive. These are the most common ones. This is not a challenge or a dare to come up with more creative ways to destroy your relationship.
 
The goal here is to protect my ego and my feelings
 
1 I will never give benefit of the doubt to anyone. I will always assume the worst about my partner.
 
2 my default will be that I am un safe , under attack and my partner is trying to hurt me.
 
3 I will be sure not to express my appreciation and gratitude. Guaranteeing my partner does not feel stronger in a power struggle.
 
4 I will express fondness and be affectionate only to get what I want and I will always anticipate the same from my partner.
 
5 I will talk poorly about my partner to my family and friends and either downplay or omit my contributions and responsibility to any negative situation.
 
6 rather than directly say “ouch that hurts” -I will make my partner hurt so they feel my pain as intensely as I feel it.
 
7 I will hide and avoid self disclosure and then I will hold a grudge that my partner does not know me.
 
8 I will avoid necessary conflict and instead I will withdraw.
 
9 I will speak in a condescending tone while criticizing my partner and then feign surprise when my partner gets defensive.
 
10 I will tell them how unlovable they are.
 
11 because of my fear that my partner will not love me if they actually did know me, when my partner reaches out for comfort, support or just to connect, I will push them away, runaway, fight, hide or ignore them.
 
12 I will make sure I get my needs met first, because, well you never know... if my partner has needs I will call them “ridiculous” or “needy”
 
13 I will withhold sex and affection and comfort when they really want to feel loved. When they are telling me how important it is , I will make them beg for what they need. I will only miserly let them have what I think they should have. I will not listen and support them and I won’t show them that I value the relationship- in a way that they understand.
 
14 I will humiliate them when possible.
 
15 I will accuse and criticize when I start almost any conversation.
 
16 I will blame them for everything wrong.
 
17 I will refuse to improve the relationship by reading, watching YouTube going to counseling.
 
18 I will have fun with my friends but not with my partner.
 
19 I will have other people that I can go to if this relationship doesn’t work out. I will have reservations.
 
20 I will make sure my partner knows that I’m not investing in this relationship. I don’t think it is worth investing -whenever I see them not investing.
 
21 I will always have 1 foot out the door.
 
22 I will threaten divorce as often as I can.
 
23 I don’t know how to say that I hurt. I will blame you and be mean to you rather than tell you that I’m hurting inside. I would like for you to translate that in your head and know that I am hurting without having to be vulnerable and tell you that directly.

Helpful articles/videos for relationships (continued)

https://lnkd.in/dwW2R-D
Impact of physiological flooding - Dr Julie Gottman

https://lnkd.in/dc4PywB
How to Repair after conflict- Gottman research

https://lnkd.in/dPTveTk Trust revival- affair- Both Gottmans


https://lnkd.in/dj8M7rr
Attunement- Gottman and Johnson Research


Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident- Gottman

https://lnkd.in/dAWDMWR
State of the Union -weekly meeting (yes, every single week that you are married) to clear the air and celebrate the relationship - proven way to prevent relapsing into poor relationship habits-Gottman


https://lnkd.in/dJFQhVZ
Stress-Reducing Conversation each day- learn how to lean on one another for support and practice your listening skills

https://lnkd.in/dRMvjVc
How much do you value your relationship with your partner? Do your actions match your words?https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse- Gottman- no hitting below the belt


https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/
Are you learning more about your partner all the time? Updating your knowledge and asking questions to know them even better?


https://youtu.be/1F5-YwxlATA video on sound relationship house- building block of Gottman Counseling
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse- Gottman- no hitting below the belt


https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/
Are you learning more about your partner all the time? Updating your knowledge and asking questions to know them even better?


https://youtu.be/1F5-YwxlATA video on sound relationship house- building block of Gottman Counseling

​Here are some articles and videos that might be super helpful for you, if you’re interested in how to earn better communication skills and update your thinking about healthy relationships. I prefer evidence based information , the tried and true rather than experimental opinions.
 
 
https://youtu.be/ib7Ain2aVR0
Turning toward video
 
https://youtu.be/o1v6j_4_NtQ
Blueprint for healthy conflict- Gottman Research
 
https://www-thebehavioraltherapycollective-com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/www.thebehavioraltherapycollective.com/blog/2019/1/24/the-secret-to-love-is-kindness-and-validation-using-the-give-skill-and-validation-to-improve-relationships?format=amp
Kindness and validation
 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/202007/how-face-adversity-and-become-more-hopeful
Tolerate difficulty
 
https://youtu.be/bShsyKUFjKE How to Complain without hurting your partner
 
https://youtu.be/7xwOZVRK_B8 Flooding- Gottman research
 
https://youtu.be/zVzTD22fQM4 Fondness and Admiration- Gottman research
 
https://youtu.be/y4EJuXyH8To Masters of relationship (1 hour)- Gottman

Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? part 5
 
Relapse Prevention
Phase out therapy
 
How do you make certain that you will stay on track? Try doing the State of the Union every single week and you are significantly more likely to stay on track.
 
Let’s be honest with one another. You will feel awful at some point in the future and lonely in the relationship at some point. These are inevitable, which is why you should plan for it.
 
What do you do when there’s a potential situation in which it would be hard to use your new communication skills? Prepare for hard situations then you can anticipate.
 
*I have been counseling since 1989, have a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania and have done a few years of Continuing Education Classes on Couples at Harvard. My education is highly important to me, I am always reading and learning and my clients benefit from my dedication to getting the best education available.

​*I completed another 17 hour training Designed and Presented by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. What I love about their training is that it is evidence based and they give handouts for us to share with clients.
I’ve taken multiple trainings with them, read their books and watched their YouTube channel. So many wonderful resources from the world’s leading researchers.

Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? Part 4
 
Phase 3
Attachment
 
The opposite of betrayal is establishing trust, commitment, and loyalty.
 
Trust is based on transparency, truth, constructive conflict, processing past emotional injuries, and attunement. We continue this work and build towards re-commitment and loyalty in phase 3 through work on cherishing.
 
Couples also talk purposefully about what values give their lives meeting, what dreams they have for their future individually and together, and their goals for fulfilling these dreams (p213) handout.
 
Rekindle passion and their sex life
Couples that talk about their sex life have more satisfying intimacy over time.
 
Teach them about open ended questions and they can use the open ended questions (p205) card deck exercise/handout.
 
When the hurt partner feels enough trust and safety with the partner to resume a sexual relationship, the work on rekindling romance (p235) handout and erotic connection can begin.
 
The Gottsex kit is used (you can buy that from Gottman Institute). It contains seven exercises. Each one facilitates a discussion between the partners that helps them tailor their sexual relationship to their own individual needs and preferences. Couples discuss topics like what kind of sexual initiation they would prefer, what kind of touch feels best, what are the best ego sparing ways to refuse sex, and someone rituals of connection referred to a concept created by William Doherty -ways to connect in a predictable manner that they can count on feeling satisfying and loving for both of them.
 
Rituals of connection help couples to stay in friendship, closeness and emotional intimacy (p218) handout and how to appreciate one another (p233) and then how to turn towards (p229) and then how to celebrate the positive in a relationship (p199).

Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? Part 3
 
Phase 2
Attunement
The therapist helps the couple process past incidents of failed communication. There is a handout for that. I like handouts because you do not have to rely on your memory. If you forget what we talked about, refer to the handout (PP153- how to be a great listener).
 
Couples learn how to process their past failed bids for connection using the regrettable incidents handout ( p193) - they can understand how the communication went wrong.

​This exercise does not deal with the affair as a whole, because that overwhelms couples. It doesn’t re litigate the problem, it exclusively looks at the communication. It is good to understand what went wrong with the communication, but not to blame. Blame gets in the way. The goal is to continue improving the communication so that you don’t need a counselor.
 
We are trying to lead to more self-disclosure and vulnerability with these sessions and handouts.
 
Within phase 2 the therapist teaches new conflict management skills to reverse prior conflict avoidance because conflict avoidance tends to be universal for couples that have affairs.
 
How can you have confidence that you can be successful with conversations that involve conflict? We will teach you techniques to improve communication and how to manage your feelings so the feelings do not sabotage your skills.
 
Use the Gottman Rappaport handout (p 173). First the therapist helps a couple address what they feel and need – another two handouts for you ( 163,167) from each other regarding their issue, and to listen and validate those feelings and needs without using the Four Horsemen.
 
This initial step is followed by the dream within conflict exercise- and two more handouts (177,181) and the compromise exercise to help couples deep in the conversation deal with gridlocked perpetual problems and arrive at a compromise.
 
The partners may also need help coping with diffuse physiological arousal, or flooding (183) another handout and how to take a break to self soothe.
 
The couple learns how to create and ritualize every day emotional connection (p216) with help from a handout. How to be a great listener and create a calm ritual of emotional connection.
 
The skills are simple and straightforward and you are never on your own because there are handouts for each skill.
 
The stress reducing conversation (p 225) is a handout for sharing the stresses that originate outside the relationship. The couple has a weekly ritual called the state of the union meeting (p239) that helps with taking inventory regularly, pointing out what is good in the relationship, clearing the air if the couple needs help to stop avoiding conflict.

Phase 1
Atonement
Couples who stayed together: talked thoroughly about the affair with one another, the betrayer’s expression of remorse was essential, as was the betrayer partner listening non-defensively to the hurt partner’s emotions and answering hurt partner’s questions with absolute transparency. (The strong suggestion is that the hurt partner not ask questions about types of sex during the affair, if the affair was sexual, in addition to an emotional affair.)
 
Do not blame the hurt partner when exploring the factors that contributed to the affair. Don’t go too fast and make sure that both partners know you will be empathizing with both of them. The therapist may need to differentiate negative emotion from criticism and contempt and teach how to express emotions without the Four Horsemen (handout).
 
It is premature, at this point, for the couple to talk about why the affair occurred. (Discussing it too early may encourage the betrayer partner to blame the affair on their low marital satisfaction. This might make the hurt partner engage in self-blame. Having an affair is a choice made by the betrayer partner alone.)
 
The goals of this phase of therapy are openness and transparency, expressing emotions, listening to emotions, and the betrayer partner expressing remorse, which is the beginning of the betrayer partner’s atonement.
 
Atonement not only includes verbal apology, it includes behavioral change. Only two people in the relationship, unless the couple agrees.
 
The couple is starting to build marriage number two for which they need honesty, transparency and witnessing each other’s truths.
 
Verifying that the betrayer partner is now telling the truth may be required. Transparency about location, email, texting, phones, travel- basically everything. This phase lasts for as long as the hurt partner needs it to last.
 
Affairs happen. You are not here to be judged. That gets in the way of successful therapy. They are, in fact, quite common. The processes involved in affairs are fairly universal and very human. We recognize that people at times betray their own morals.
 
Atonement is a way of returning to oneself and one’s own moral home. This return involves transparency, and eventually greater understanding in phase 2.

Can My Marriage Survive an Affair?

First, let me say that there is hope. An overwhelming percentage of people go on to build a successful marriage #2, after an affair. There is a plan of action that works better than other plans. Yes, we tailor it to your particular situation, once we’ve assessed your needs.

Please be careful which books you read about affairs. Don’t get me wrong, they are interesting, they just don’t quite have all their facts straight. My preference is that you get the best information possible and that it is based on research by experts in the field (this training was by John Gottman PhD and Julie Gottman PhD- if you are a couples counselor, I highly recommend it) rather than someone’s own agenda or opinion.

​Yes, I do phone counseling for couples if you cannot make it in for a session, or if you live far away. For an appointment, call 585.544.5342
 
Suggested Steps in Therapy

1. Define infidelity

 

1. List the steps that form the cascade towards betrayal- how to figure out when someone is on the path towards an affair (counselor handout pp 118-119)

 

1. List the PTSD symptoms the partner might experience after learning of the affair: hypervigilance, intrusive images of the affair, nightmares, emotional numbing, emotional explosions, disturb sleep etc. Note: both partners need therapeutic support

 

1. There are three phases to the therapy:
2. Atonement
3. Attunement
4. Attachment

 

1. Relapse Prevention

 
More details tomorrow