​Our Gender Agendas:
“Men- higher value on autonomy, more motivated to establish independence, prove that I am an independent man and have mastery. Hard to say no to my partner because I am supposed to be a sex machine.
Women-higher value on intimacy, more motivated to seek interconnection, feel close

“Together- she asks for more kissing and touching- he hears criticism of his performance

“She asks him to talk about unmet sexual needs- he hears invasion of privacy. He withdraws emotionally to protect himself and she views this as proof that he does not love her.

“She wants to talk, well really communicate, but her only valid form of communication is talking. He – sex is the most intimate way for me to communicate. It shows caring. It shows my desire to please. It shows my love on the most profound level. Women need to appreciate the depth of passion that can be expressed through eye contact, touch and body language. Men need to be more verbally communicative.” Deida

​I have suggested several exercises, to this point. They are intellectually interesting so reading about them is good, but like physical exercise, they do no lasting good if you do not do them. Here are more ideas to get your body involved in the relationship, to feel and be present to what is happening and to wake you up. Please talk through which exercises you have read and which ones you would like to go back and do to see how they might help your relationship.
 
Touch Exercise:
Temperature- warmth and coolness or more extreme. Washcloth, heater in the room, clothes partially on, electric blanket, fan, air conditioner, ice cube, wax. The idea is to keep the body awake without shocking it.
 
Relaxed excitement lends itself to tantra. Yes, women are more likely to reach orgasm when wearing socks, if they normally have cold feet. Worth a conversation, don’t ya think? That is not the only goal in tantra, but if you can add some pleasure to your life with your partner that easily, might be worth it.
 
Texture- leather, lace, satin sheets or pajamas, silk tie, brush, feather, massage oil, light scratching, lips, sand paper etc- all these are wonderful sensory objects during the caressing. It turns the body on and awakens the senses.
 
Ask about being overstimulated versus understimulated, how fast, how many strokes, how hard, how long- gotta give feedback because the partner cannot read your mind. You are teaching your partner how to love you and bring you pleasure- train them to give you what you want. Gotta speak up. The goal is connection with self and partner, leading to the ultimate connection.
 
Are You Coming From a Place of Love? Be honest
 
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise that you to practice for your tantra to flow well: The Butterfly

​Do you have your passion, your direction? Are you aligned with the highest good in your day to day life? Do you serve others and the world on a primal level? Are you settling for a second rate life or are you living life to the fullest? How are you betraying yourself in this very moment? Be open to feedback. Ask for it and watch how grateful you are when someone calls you on your BS. You want to be accountable, it just feels better.
 
Deida challenges both men and women in relationship. Sometimes it is hard to read or understand and other times it hurts because he is so accurate.
 
“To women:
When your man hurt you because he lacks direction, integrity, or charity, you can love him without supporting his weakness. Loving your partner when he hurts you includes not tolerating his bull.
 
“Women are exquisitely sensitive to their man’s alignment with his own truth. You know when he’s betraying himself before he knows sometimes-you feel it in his posture -you hear the ambiguity in his voice. You may know that he is deceiving himself before he is aware of anything.
 
“Your feedback can be a great gift to him -he will only trust your feedback if he feels your openness as love.
 
“You cannot disconnect from the love deep in your heart, tense your body in fear and anger, and then expect that he will believe you. He will think that you have a problem. He will criticize you or try to fix you instead of focusing on himself. Your unlove will hurt him and he will close off even more.
 
“Tell him about this place in him that you trust. Show him love through your body and your breath -tell him how you lose some of your trust when he acts a certain way. Remember that he probably does not know what you were talking about.” David Deida
 
Please go back and re-read this. There is quite a bit there. Put a note in your phone calendar to prompt yourself with this. Keep taking your inventory so that you keep growing. Women find that super attractive!
 
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise to practice: The Pelvic Curl and Dual Pelvic Rocking

​How Do You Fill Yourself?
 
What really fills you? When you chase after things, do you feel fulfilled/satisfied? Does it give your life meaning? Maybe you are searching in the wrong places for fulfillment. I don’t mean settling, but really feel satisfied. What is the place of love in your life?
 
That feeling like you want more or you’re still longing or hungry, that is what tells you that you should keep seeking. Here are some ideas for you to reach the goal.
 
“The challenge for women is that the divine does not mean anything to you unless you feel it in your body. She will try to fill herself with emotion, flavors, texture, experiences if she does not feel love. She wants to feel divine forces passionately enter her heart and ripple through her body like waves of intense love more pleasurable than any orgasm she has ever had. She’s not attracted to the freedom beyond experience like a man is.
 
“Relational ecstasy is the genius of the feminine. Relational blessing is the domain of the feminine divine. The joy of family, the colorful web of life on earth, the circle of friends and community the feminine divine is more strongly expressed through the body in relationship. She may settle for sights and sounds of a walk by the lake rather than receiving the ravishing that forces a divine energy deep into her body.
 
“She devotes her time to community and friends rather than swooning in the divine love that swells all bodies.
 
“Women need dance, massage, and yoga to start this process finding the divine- start with finding their body, feeling their breath, freeing their emotions, and allowing themselves to be wracked with unbearable pleasure.
 
“Sex is often the place you most desire and resist the infiltration of divine love.
 
“One of the basic lessons of spiritual growth occurs when you realize you will never be fulfilled for very long or very deeply by anything in life. Devote your life -devote your relationship to realizing the truth of this and every moment is spacious, full, aware, and luminous, regardless of the love you feel you’re getting or not. Even if you’re not being treated like you wish you were, you can do love and give love because you are love.” Deida
 
EXERCISE: “Make love by breathing love. Make love through your every action. Through each word. Through your tears and smiles.
 
“Notice what is always true. Rest in love; that is always available to you. To expect life to fulfill you is foolish.
 
“To be strong as a man is to give love even when you feel hurt -not because you wanna look good, not because you feel that you were growing if you do so, but because not to love is more painful...
 
“The love springs from the depths of your being demands to flow strong regardless of how much you or your woman would rather slump and take a break.” Deida
 
EX: How have you tried to escape yourself?
At a certain point, we run out of commonalities. The easy topics that evoke consensus and reduce anxiety are done; only the hard ones are left. I either confront myself or my partner at this point. Easier to confront partner (proxy fight). We can escape situations we have created. We cannot escape ourselves.

Emotional gridlock is when I am no longer willing to adapt to partner and not willing to confront myself. This will happen in any relationship that has growth. This is not pathological. This is "falling out of love." The above was from Passionate Marriage by Schnarch.
 
EX: Ask yourself why this might be a true statement: Sociologist Julie Brines states that, “sexual frequency was higher in couples where the man spent more time doing such traditionally masculine chores as bill paying and yardwork.”
 
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise to practice: Squatting Together

​Setting the Stage For a Deeper Sexual Relationship

Pretty much every couple gets into a rut within a few years of the relationship. The limerance has worn off, some emotional baggage has weighed you down and the newness just isn’t there. Spark your creative mind, allow yourself to be human and a sexual being who has fantasies and preferences- own it. Not sure where to start?

Don’t forget 365 Naughty Nights, 101 Nights of Great Sex (book), it is about setting the stage, the environment, and then The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand (book) for exercises and Gottman cards (deck) for specifics- Might
I also suggest a foot rub and do an internet search for acupressure or back rub (swedish, thai, deep tissue, lymph drainage), head rub etc.

In our society we have been taught to not talk about sex, but then we are bombarded by TV shows and movies that make sexual innuendo throughout. Magazines, billboards, ads, commercials all sell sex. Songs talk about sex and a distorted version of the word “love” and then we expect people to revere sex, to honor it and treat it with the respect it deserves.

What messages did you get about sex and sexuality and seeing yourself as a sexual being?

What messages did you get about what your partner might like and want?

If you received unhealthy messages, perhaps you could start to undo the programming by putting in healthy messages about sex.

It is beautiful and amazing and transports you to other worlds. It is such a wonderful bond when done with respect and with a positive attitude. As a tool for personal development, it awakens the senses, the emotions and spirituality.

In a negative mindset, this same tool can be used for exploitation or instant gratification or using of others.

What do you want to model for others? How would you like your loved ones to learn about sex?

I would like to suggest that not only are there techniques for breathing, and rocking the pelvis and setting the mood, there are sexual techniques and attitudes that go along with that to challenge unhealthy messages you may have already heard.

One such challenge is the Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand. Don’t just give up one set of messages for hers, but hers might just challenge you enough to expand your belief system and look for more knowledge about sexuality. You are likely to run up against beliefs that are foreign and that generally challenges people. Some people run away and some people sit with the challenge, feel their own discomfort and self-consciousness, embarrassment.

Below is a sampling of the exercises in her book:
Conscious Breathing, awakening your inner lover, the heart salutation, creating your sacred space, the melting hug, moving beyond resistance, the sensory awakening ritual, the dancing gods, th inner smile, soul gazing, the ritual of purification, the basic stance, the ceremony of recognition of the body, The art of erotic touching: feathering, fingertip stroking, slipping and sliding, the square stretch, squatting together, the pelvic curl, the opening lotus, the pc pump, sexual breathing, pelvic rocking, dual pelvic rocking, the self-pleasuring ritual, the sexual dialogue, self pleasuring under the eyes of your beloved, pleasuring each other, role playing each other, the yin-yang game, shaking loose, the streaming process, the butter fly, healing the yoni and the Vajra, riding the tiger alone and together, shooting to the crown together, charging other areas of the body. The valley orgasm level 1 and 2; the basic postures of love; oral loving and the final is Riding the Wave of bliss with Pelvic rocking, cultivating arousal, opening the inner flute together, the playful wave, connecting breath to breath, opening to your inner light, the infinite cycle and the advanced infinite cycle-

Even if you do not do every single exercise, your sexual self awareness will have been broadened.
You are free to skip any that do not interest you.

There may be some that challenge you and I have heard a few people were “grossed out” by a couple of them. You do not have to do them all, but it is interesting to explore what bothers you and why. That exploration makes you more conscious and less reactive.

Goal: Express your sexual needs and wishes in more positive and specific terms…A greater sense of safety and intimacy develops between you, which greatly increases your change of experiencing the kind of sexual pleasure you long for.

​EXERCISE: Go back and re read those. Think about your relationship and your responsibility and contribution to it. What might you need to rethink about your behavior and beliefs?

​What is the Point of Having a Body?
 
There are some experiences you can only have if you have a body. Use the body for what it is intended, to experience joy and pleasure and ecstasy and then the body leads you to experiences that transcend the body. Try it, you’ll like it.
 
“Your bodies are simply vehicles through which to feel and express your deepest truth, your unbounded openness, your divine nature, the love who you are. Practice being love and being penetrated by divine love.
 
 “This feeling of two merging into one is the epitome of sacred and secular pleasure.
 
“Merging with the divine -the mystery and depth of open being -has very little to do with infantile oneness, losing yourself in athletic Flow, or merging with your Woman emotionally. Whereas all these mergers are with a particular state a pleasure, excitement, or empathy, divine merger is not with any particular state at all, but with the deep openness of all states.
 
“Practice opening as the depth of being in the midst of sex. Then, spiritual bliss will include and exceed the merely sexual.” Deida
 
EXERCISE: “We can practice realizing this depth over and over, when things are good or bad. Feel through every condition and merge with Divine openness, your true nature, the true nature of everyone and everything, over and over until it’s no longer dependent on outside conditions which are always changing.” Deida
 
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise to practice:  The Square Stretch

​Stereotypical Gender Differences

The man speaks to the woman and makes his point. When he is talking, he is simply exchanging info assuming she is doing the same.

She is talking to get closer and assumes he is doing the same. Until you know the possible explanations, this could stymie you.

Exercise: Listen to yourself when you communicate with someone today. When did it go well and when did it not? Are you more masculine or feminine in your communication?

The man hears the woman tell about how horrible her day is. Feeling compassionate, sharing in her pain, he protects her and demonstrates his love for her by solving her problem. She feels misunderstood by his problem solving. She simply wanted him to listen and be there with her.
Does this lead to the kind of passion they want?

Hearing him tell about his day, she demonstrates her interest in him and in their relationship by following up with questions and requesting detail. He feels interrogated and now wants to have some space. She feels rejected and wants to talk about the relationship and he retreats further. Does this lead to an intimate encounter?

The above is from Deb Tannen, PhD, who also notes (I am paraphrasing) that about a third of what people say is just not heard/processed. Maybe a third is heard through the listener’s filter and maybe a third of what the talker said is actually received accurately. Imagine how much is lost in translation.

​When you have a challenging conversation, I usually ask couples to stop and ask themselves if it could be an easy, stylistic problem like stereotypical gender communication. Could it be introvert/extravert differences? Are there other style challenges that should not be taken personally? Try those first.
 
When couples have difficulty talking about sex or being sexual, I usually ask them to consider talking about their understanding of their gender role and responsibility. Oftentimes, they do not see eye to eye about who does what or what the expectations are. Talking about expectations can do a world of good and then follow up with what you prefer from the other person and negotiate a win-win.

​Are You Fully There During Sex?
 
Do you close your eyes and tense your body? Have you practiced enough tantra that you are able to withstand the incredible intimate experience of orgasm, eyes open looking at your partner and just fully relaxed?

Let him feel through you. Allow yourself the gift of being open and allow him to receive this gift.
 
“She had an old habit of going inward during sex, especially when she wanted to have an orgasm. She would close her eyes and withdraw, going inside herself to experience her own sensations. It was as if I wasn’t there anymore. Although I was the source of her stimulation, as she turned inward she became completely unaware of me or anything else outside of her own body. As she trained herself she would open her eyes, feel through her own pleasure, and reconnect with me, heart to heart. Even while she was approaching orgasm, she remained open and felt through the waves and thrills rather than closing down and going inward. She allowed her orgasm to move outward, like a gift to the universe, through her body, through my body, and far beyond. She gave herself in pleasure rather than keeping the pleasure in herself. Her openness deepened our mutual surrender, where in we both gave ourselves so fully in love there was no inward left to go.
 
“Feel through your lover into the love that moves the universe -the love that is alive at the heart of all beings.
 
“If you were going to go inward during sex you might as well do it by yourself; there are for less complications in solitude.
 
“Sex is a natural way that depth can recognize itself in another. This depth is openness or love.” David Deida
 
EXERCISE: Practicing love means staying in direct relationship Eye 2 Eye, body to body, breath to breath, as much as possible during sex, including when you’re bursting with pleasure, shyness, fear, or shame.
 
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise to practice for your tantra to flow well: The Basic Stance

​True Love
While I do not agree with David Deida on several topics, I value that he challenges my thinking. He makes me challenge my own ways of looking at things, so that I can make up my own mind. Do not take what he says and swallow it whole- process it and see if it is true for you. Allow it to bug you and bump you out of your comfort zone.
 
“Most women choose physical comfort and emotional security over true love.
 
“The only surrender that is truly fulfilling is to the love that is the substance of every single moment, the love that moves as you and the universe. You will serve the world as love. Only that will be fulfilling. Surrender directly as the flow of love.” Deida
 
EXERCISE: Learn to relax your muscles your heart, your belly, your thighs, so that the energy of love can flow through you without obstruction.
 
EXERCISE: “Let go of your dreams of comfort, security, and romance. Receive and give the bliss of deep openness with every breath. This love fills your body and heart with a pleasure so deep that even your own thoughts and emotions cannot sway your fundamental happiness. Your loneliness is filled with a bright immensity of joy. This love energy flows from your heart through your body and out your feet, hands, and eyes like beams of beauty.”
​Deida

​Your Love
 
Is there anything that compares to love? Don’t settle for less than love.
 
You know when you are loved and cherished and treasured and when someone is less than present.
 
Don’t settle for the person who cannot be present. Don’t settle for someone who cannot live in the moment.
 
Help them get there, to experience the glory of being fully present.
 
“You live in love’s rapture even as your day to day life continues in the form that you choose.
 
“Your love is larger than your man or yourself. You have nothing to fear or protect. Love has already worked its way through your secret hopes and dreads and opened every speck of you as light. You live as love. You are love. You are neither possessed by your lover’s needs nor by your own.” Deida
 
EXERCISE: “Practice surrendering more deeply as love. Practice receiving love deeply into your body and giving love from every cell. You were thus transfigured. You are now a woman who is self-sufficient who loves herself and she is already full of love’s bliss and blessing power.” Deida
 
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise to practice for your tantra to flow well:
Soul Gazing

Remove Yourself From the Role of Victim
 
Are you somehow feeling like the victim? Do you like that role? What might that role offer you, other than the obvious one- If I am the victim, then I do not need to change or take responsibility. If I am the victim, I am innocent and was wronged.
 
“But I loved him,” she said. She did and he did not reciprocate her love. He used her and manipulated her to get what he wanted. She hoped that by giving him what he wanted, she would get what she wanted- love. She wanted to feel a strong presence, not an abusive one.
 
You do not have to sacrifice or martyr yourself for anyone. You are enough, more than enough. Learn how to be content by yourself and with yourself and you will find yourself more than content enough. Check yourself if you find yourself adopting the victim role or putting yourself in a situation in which you could easily be victimized. Yes, there are legitimate victims as well, that is not what we are talking about here. I am talking about people who self-victimize, to avoid responsibility for changing. It is self-sabotage. If you are being abused or misused, manipulated, coerced etc. please get professional help ASAP because it can be incredibly helpful to have someone helping support you and someone helping you see more clearly.
 
“In many cases, you are tolerating their abuse because of the love you also hope to get from them.
 
“Otherwise, you would simply stop making yourself available as a potential victim. His abuse may seem better than total lack. In his anger at least you can feel his presence. You can love yourself.
 
“When you were dependent, you practiced sacrificing yourself for the sake of pleasing your man.
 
“When you were independent, you practiced strengthening yourself so you could please yourself, with or without your man.
 
“Now you practice true spiritual surrender, which involves opening to the Love that lives the universe, flowing as your body mind and emotions, you submit to the very flow of love for which you yearned all along. Now you are a force to be reckoned with.” Deida
 
Take back the power that you have. The serenity prayer is helpful here: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
 
Go back to healthy love-Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise to practice for your tantra to flow well: The Inner Smile