Gottman writes “Developmental psychologists have observed that little girls accept influence and little boys almost never accept influence from girls. In every culture around age five to seven, boys and girls stop playing with one another, despite previously being best friends in 35% of cases.

Boys deal quickly with emotion, the goal is to keep the ball in play and continue the game. There may be a quick word of emotion or changing of rules to deal with emotion.

Girls often prefer to play in small groups and regardless of the game they are playing, the relationships with one another are far more important than playing the game. Often, if someone’s feelings get hurt, girls will stop the game, discuss feelings and soothe one another.

By adolescence it is the girl who is likely to be more expert about navigating through emotional waters. The guy who can accept influence is a pretty smart guy, he benefits from this relationship.”

He has also noted that both men and women have trouble permitting women to have life dreams that are not related to families, to being good wives, good mothers or good daughters. Women are all too willing to give up their dreams for the sake of their relationships. No one wants a close relationship with a woman who is defeated, beaten and depressed. Every lover wants a woman who is a partner and a true teammate; someone who is alive and who loves her life, who feels loved, honored and respected. What they have to learn is that honoring their own dreams will also help their relationships.”

p 68 The Art and Science of Love: A Weekend Workshop for Couples Gottman and Gottman

Gottman's book talks about small and large betrayals, losing and building trust. He says it better than I can, so here are the main points from It is worth the risk to open up and trust, if you assess with “fairness and objectivity.

If someone fails any part of the following smell test, walk away.

1. Do not trust someone who lies to you. Have they ever deceived you? Have you witnessed them lying to others?
2. Their life should be an open book. Where have you been? They should answer without hesitation.
3. Is there proof that this partner keeps promises. Trustworthy people do not feel the need to tell you what to think! “Just trust me” is not sufficient.
4. Does this person display just and fair conduct with consistency? If you are not comfortable with their morals…
5. Demonstrate being on your side and having your back-even in small ways. Does not operate out of sheer self-interest.

It is worth the effort to discern this way. ”

pp 235-237 What Makes Love Last by John Gottman, PhD and Nan Silver

As always, thank you for your comments. I appreciate your insights and welcome them.

Gottman's latest book What Makes Love Last? talks about trust and betrayal, affairs etc. I love his research and how accessible it is. Here I cite his work on the impact of loving/trusting relationships on health.

Here are some ideas "the husband's odds of dying over those twenty years (since our last research project) were eleven times higher than men in mutually cooperative relationships. They were also seven times higher compared to couples with a mixed style (meaning one partner displayed a cooperative style and the other was zero sum- treated each other like adversaries). These results are consistent with a number of studies that find men who believe their wives love them are likely to have significantly lower severity of ulcers and lower rates of coronary artery blockages and angina." (p. 228)

"When the wife's trust metric was high (even if the husband's was not) both partners had lower baseline blood velocities...wife's sense of security tends to influence the relationship dynamics more than does her husband's. When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, the relationship reaps enormous benefits and so does their health....a happy relationship is good for your health. a low-trust one can be deadly...a wretched relationship is devastating to one's health, but statistics show that unremitting loneliness is even deadlier. life long isolation shortens life expectancy more than a bad marriage." pp 230-231

He continues with five detectable criteria for separating the trustworthy on pp 235-236. While it feels like common sense, it is nice to see it proven by statistics as well.

He suggests trusting others when you meet someone, but not be gullible. "If there is reason for skepticism, become wary."

All the best,
Don

The book, Women's Ways of Knowing, by Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger & Tarule describes a feminine learning style that fits well with women's conversational style. Example: When women hear a new or different idea, they set their doubts and disbelief aside and tune in carefully to what the person is saying; they try to see it from the other person's view point. Women try to understand the other person's opinion as completely and deeply as possible; they cognitively "go with them," wanting to hear the person's views and understand why they think this way. Women seek to make sense of the new idea, to grasp how it can be seen as accurate and useful. This is certainly a "way of knowing" and could be called the "believing approach ." It involves empathizing with the speaker to cooperatively assimilate the truth together, i.e. cooperating. Women effectively use this same listening style when someone has a personal problem.

I am a man and a counselor and I cringe when I see the clash between how men do this and how women do this.

Sometimes I ask myself, "How do they put up with us?"

All the best,
Don

I like entertaining different points of view, especially ones that challenge me. Even if I do not fully agree, the thoughts it stimulates can be helpful. Here is some food for thought.

"Some have contended that our society teaches males to hate females. If so, exactly how is that done? We don't yet know. The Psychoanalysts believe little boys 3 to 6 undergo great turmoil as they must give up their identification with a close, nurturing mother and switch it to a father.
   In this process, boys may be unwittingly taught to dislike, even disdain female (mother's) characteristics in order to give them up; thus, the "hatred" of women's ways (and little girls) may be generated in little boys. Also, in this early process, boys may learn to suppress their urges to show affection (to mother especially) but also that losing intimacy (with mother) can cause great pain; perhaps this is the origin of some grown men's fear of intimacy (Hudson & Jacot, 1992).
     Girls, since they never have to give up their identification with mother, tend to develop a fear of possible separation which results in greater needs for intimate affiliation. On the other hand, girls do have to shift their sexual orientation from a mother-like person to a father-like person, and boys do not. This may help explain boys' greater focus on the female body as a sexual object (more than male bodies being a sexual stimulus for women), boys' greater homophobia, males' greater emphasis on sex and less on closeness, and other differences between male and female sexuality. So, according to Judith Viorst (1986) in Necessary Losses, we all suffered a serious loss (boys giving up Mom as an identification and girls giving up Mom as a sexual object) that has a permanent impact on our personalities."