Imagine hearing this from someone, "​I'm hurt that you don't trust me when I do untrustworthy things."

"Let's focus on this rather than stopping the untrustworthy things I do," was the meaning if you read between the lines.
 
What he essentially said is, "I stole money from the family. Multiple times and just was sneaky but you are bad and I want you to focus on the times I didn't steal from you.  "
Can you imagine that scenario?
 
You are still in the dog house. She doesn't have to accept you back in and stay married.  You have to convince her that you deserve to be in the house and yes when you are duplicitous, you go back to square one.  You might not like that but you're the one who created it. Focusing on what minor things she did wrong last year is not a winning strategy. You saying you can't control yourself is not a strategy that convinces her to let you back in! As a matter of fact, the fact that you struggle with impulse control has the opposite effect.
 
When you play the “poor me” card, the impact is that you do not take responsibility and make her a perpetrator for holding you accountable. Her asking you to be accountable is not her being a perpetrator.  

​“Why are you wearing that? Where are you going?” could be received as an accusation. The person really needs reassurance but that is not clear from what they are saying. More accurate and compassionate communication would sound like this, “You look really nice in that outfit. I like when you dress up. I am feeling silly saying this, but I am a little jealous. I am afraid the guys will be hitting on you. I am afraid sometimes that I don’t measure up and we haven’t been getting along that well lately. I get scared that when we don’t get along smoothly, you’ll find someone to replace me. I know it is my issue, not yours. I trust you and it’s just that I can’t imagine losing you. I love you so much.”
 
Imagine the response to the above was, “You’re so insecure. You should do something about that.” Yes, that exact response happened in my office. It was painful to witness him opening up to her, being vulnerable like Brene Brown suggested in her Ted Talk and for her to respond that way. She could have said something like, “I like to know you still get a tiny jealous. I like looking pretty and dressing up. I do get hit on by men and I know how to handle myself. I want to be with you. I choose you. Maybe when I get home we can ….”
 
“I feel really rejected lately. I think you are telling me you don’t want to be with me. Well, not really telling me. I mean, you are saying you want to be with me, but it has been a few weeks since you’ve spent time with me. We haven’t cuddled, kissed or been intimate. I’m getting concerned because we have talked about this a few times and it has not changed. Am I missing something?”

Imagine a defensive response like, “My god, I’ve been so busy. Why are you so needy?” This nightmare scenario happens quite a bit in my sessions.

The next time he asks her for attention, no seriously, you think he’s going to ask again? He’s going to pretend he doesn’t need that stuff. He won’t beg again and humiliate himself. And she won’t get that she had a role in him not talking and not connecting. She’ll think that he’s being a cold jerk. Obviously, I think she had a role in this. I point it out and ask her to take responsibility. Then I softly read him the riot act for his role. I call it “pouting.” It is passive aggressive and I also get why he did it. It is a rational response to withdraw when being beaten down and it does not function well. Here’s an example of what he could say back, “What’s happening here?” or “I’m confused. I want to spend time with you, why did this turn into me being needy?”

Responsibility

I am amazed how few people are able to do this without prompting so here’s my prompt. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with the other person, take responsibility for your side of the equation.

“You never help around the house” is the example of a “you statement”. It is judgmental and blaming and has criticism in it. Imagine hearing those words from your partner. How would it land for you? Would you agree? Is it accurate? Would it motivate you to change?

Now try this, “I could really use your help with this project. Here’s what I need…” Did you hear blame? Do you feel judged? It is a need, rather than a complaint (with thanks to John Gottman PhD).

It is talking about my side of the equation. You could go deeper and talk more about the impact on you and what your inner landscape is like. “I am really overwhelmed. I’m kinda depressed and fatigued lately. I can’t seem to find the motivation. I know you are really busy, so I feel guilty asking this of you. If you rely on me, I am afraid I won’t get it done or I’ll run out of gas before I finish.”

Now go back and compare this statement to “You never…” Which would you rather receive?

Gottman calls it soft startup, Sue Johnson refers to it in her book Hold me Tight, others call it an “I statement” and it is used in NVC (non-violent communication) circles. It just goes over better.

​On a totally unrelated note: I have 3 new CDs and 2 Workbooks for sale. The workbooks are The Anxiety Workbook and An Affair Workbook for the Person Who Cheated. 
The CDs are: The Anxiety Workbook (goes well with the workbook-companion)
Get the Spark Back and
Contemplating Divorce (hint- if getting a divorce is still a choice- don't do it. If you have to divorce, then do it. It is simply too painful to do it unless you have to.)