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4 Marriage Secrets

4/26/2012

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4 Marriage Secrets
Here are some idea

1.      Those who need the least are the richest.

2.       Happiness is a by product of serving others, of bringing happiness to others, of doing virtuous things, of having compassion.

3.      You alone cause your feelings.

4.      The desire for things to be different than what they are is the biggest cause of suffering. Let go completely and, by definition, your struggle ends.

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Happiness and Relationships

4/19/2012

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To paraphrase a Buddhist teaching -When I seek my own happiness, I am almost guaranteed to be miserable.

The way to happiness is most commonly found when we treat others really well, love them, cherish them and serve them. If you want to be happy, try doing that. That in itself would transform marriage, if both partners would accept that challenge. We are happy when we do for others and when we seek our own pleasure or happiness, we tend to make ourselves miserable.

Every major religion has stories to teach that concept.

When people used to initiate their young men, one of the first lessons was, “Your life is not about you.”

If they did not get that lesson at that point, they sure did once children came along!

Look at the current problems you have in your life, work or relationship.
Are those problems due to you wanting to be happy and someone thwarting your will?
Are they due to others not behaving in the way you think they should behave?
I challenge you to serve them better, listen better and put your needs aside and observe what happens next. This is a challenge for most of us.

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We are not partners

4/5/2012

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_Here is another common complaint- we parent differently, we have different values and we do not support one another well. What would you reply to the writer of this
Dear Couples Counselor:

I asked my kids to do chores and they balked at it. I expected my wife to back me up like I back her up. She ignored it. I wonder if they do chores when I am not home. I wonder if she would really do all the work to avoid asking them to do it. I value chores. I value having them contribute and get a good work ethic and pull their own weight. I would have them do a ton more around the house. When I suggest it, though, it is not met with any enthusiasm.

She tells me she wants me to lead, then does not have my back or sabotages it. I wonder if she simply does not want to be the bad guy. I think to myself if you want me to lead, you need to follow or go along with it or talk about what you want.

So today, she is with the boys while I am at work. She asks my son to do a chore 10 minutes before I leave. She had just asked me, “What area of the house do you want them to do?” I answered and she either did not hear me or did not agree, so she told them to do dusting.

First, why are you asking me what I want them to do? I jump to the negative conclusion that she does not want to tell them what to do, she’d rather I be the heavy. I don’t own the process if I am not giving the chore or am not handed the baton. You and I have not discussed the process and it is not clear what we want him to do.

They have never done dusting. As I was preparing to go to work, he asked me a question about dusting- where to dust. I told him around the baseboards, which he proceeded to do with huffing and puffing. He was not dusting in a way that would contain the dust, which bothered me. Since he has similar allergies to me, I thought dusting was not a good chore and he began having a stuffy nose. As I was leaving, I suggested she help him figure out how to do it. She became angry with me and said, “I thought you were helping him with it!”

I was asked what chore and she overrode it. She gave him a chore to do and did not prepare him for it, then thinks I was somehow in charge? I don’t get that! Again, She assigned her choice of chore and walked away from it and now I am at fault for not showing him how to do it?

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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