​Want people to change?
 
Continued from the book, “The Catalyst”
 
This was not initially intended for couples, but you can see how it relates. Try the force field analysis- there is a seeming force field keeping the change from happening.
 
“Force field analysis” is: defining the change, identify the goal, desired state or thing you’re hoping will happen.
 
Then identify the driving forces that are encouraging change. Start identifying the restrainers.
 
What prevents change from happening?  
 
Look to the past first- why have things not changed already? 
 
Who is against the change?
What are the costs involved? 
What are the risks involved?
What does the client seem worried about? 
What concerns or motivations might keep them from supporting a new initiative?
 
The zone of acceptance versus the small region of rejection. If I am very strongly in favor of something and you hope to convince me of the opposite, I have a small zone of acceptance. What that means is that there is very little you can say that I will be open to hearing, if we have opposing views. If our views are different, but some overlap, start with the similarities, not the differences. There is a region of rejection when talking, and that includes the differences, not the similarities.
 
Find the movable middle, or the area that I am not set in stone about. I may not be open to influence. If I am open to hearing you and being influenced, that is the “movable middle.”
 
For example, focus on swing voters who are open to facts and arguments. (The people who were receptive to being swayed open to influence. People who have a larger zone of acceptance or who zone overlaps more with the candidate’s positions.)
 
Laser focus
Do not try to change everyone. Not everyone wants to be changed or challenged. They are not worth the effort it would take. Bad return on investment of time and energy.
 
This is why some politicians look for the wedge issue- where the incumbent is out of step with at least some of the constituents. Pitting people against one another has some ethical difficulties. Manipulating other people is not a good idea. We don’t use and exploit people, if we have a healthy conscience. If they already have a different view, you can point it out.
 
Look for Behavioral residue. Clues that indicate conflicting opinions or willingness to change. We all have mixed feelings, ambivalence about certain things. If someone has some inner conflict, part of them feels one way and another part feels differently. Their mind is not fully made up and they may waffle or vacillate. When you spot this, spend time understanding them and you can be helpful as a sounding board. They may end up on your side of an issue, as a result.
 
 
Imagine in your relationship if you decided to allow them to have their own perspective and no more trying to change them.
 
Imagine if you listened, just to understand and not change their mind. What would that do to the level of conversation?

​What gets in the way of making change?
 
You want a change and it is not happening. There are some easy ways, listed in the book, "The Catalyst" to determine what gets in the way.
 
Ask:
“What parking brakes are getting in the way?
What barriers or roadblocks are stopping them from changing their mind?”
 
They talked about multiple research results - giving people information or trying to persuade them actually works against you. People dig in and defend their position when you give them facts or they fear being persuaded. 
 
Let them be active participants instead of passerby- so that they are in control they can convince themselves.
 
Lower the barrier to trial -When you read the book, look for the Zappos example. Another example, best read from the book is  “Freemium”- When deciding which dimension to limit, the solution comes back to uncertainty.
 
What experience will provide enough certainty that it’s worth paying to upgrade?
 
How do you identify the barriers?
 
Without understanding the problem, it’s hard to suggest a good solution. Understand first and foremost, by listening and watch how much more easily you arrive at an acceptable solution.
 
How does this apply to relationships? Your spouse did or didn’t do something and you wish life were a little different. You want them to hear your perspective, and then maybe they would change, but instead they dig in when you try to change them.
 
Try listening to them today and maybe, maybe tomorrow, consider bringing up your perspective.

Only after they confirm that you fully understood theirs. If you want people to change, do not take them on head first. Listen to them and they are more open to influence. Allow them to be their own person.
 
Ask yourself if you are someone who enjoys having power over someone or power with someone.

Continued from The Catalyst

​“Seeds of Peace” organization 
Great story for how to overcome the hard changes that we deem necessary.
 
They identify the key barriers preventing change and try to mitigate them. 
 
They reduce “reactance” by encouraging  people to persuade themselves.
 
They shrink the distance between people -they ask for less at first -sleep in the same cabin. Eat at the same table. Engage in the same activities and begin a dialogue.
 
This approach reduces uncertainty: they lower the upfront cost among people who would normally fear one another to interact in safe, neutral environment and they drive discovery. They create situations where interactions happen naturally.  
 
They provide corroborating evidence -it is easy to see one other person as “unique” but then, when she sees multiple people in the other group acting well, it’s hard not to change the idea of them as a group.
 
Understand before you ever try to change someone’s mind. If you were selling them a product, instead of an idea, you would want to know what they want from that product. What if it is similar with ideas? Are you trying to change someone who will not change? Smart move on your part to do that?

​Recommended Book
The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind
 
Ask,  “Why has that person not changed already?
What is stopping them?
What barriers are in the way and how can I mitigate those barriers?”
 
 
Discover the five key barriers to change and how to reduce them.
 
Ask people:
What is the cost of the status quo?   
What is attractive about the status quo? 
 
Avoid the confirmation bias.
 
Ask for a little bit less at first and people are less likely to reject your idea. Ask for it all and it is simply too big of an ask for them to agree to do.
 
Remove doubt, alleviate uncertainty. 
 
Reduce the upfront costs rent, sample, make it easier for people to experience something themselves.
 
Don’t wait for people to come to you. 
Can you drive discovery? Encourage people who didn’t know they might be interested to check it out
 
Make things reversible -if it doesn’t work you get a return. That way, there is no risk in trying this product or idea.
 
Somethings need more proof. Some people need more proof before they will try it.
 
Use multiple sources of proof (to help overcome the translation problem) to help them see it from different people, from different angles.
 
Find corroborating evidence. You saying that it is true is not convincing. 5 people saying it works and demonstrating how, that has more influence.
 
Is it a pebble or a boulder? If it is too big, they are less likely to experiment.
 
Is it expensive, risky, time-consuming or controversial? That needs more proof.
 
Should you use a fire-hose or a sprinkler approach? Depends on the situation.
 
Anyone can be a catalyst. Anyone
 
Consider your partner, your audience. Are you attempting to use a one size fits all approach with your partner? Be strategic, without manipulating them
 
If you were talking to an expert on a topic, you would change the conversation and your approach from how you approach a beginner, right?

​Systematically desensitize it
 
Get used to the fear, the thought.
 
Do something over and over where you expose yourself to the thought and or feeling until your brain tells you it is bored of it.
 
When your brain is bored with it, it will stop intruding.
 
Put the intrusive thought to song, interpretive dance, poem about it. Short story etc. Record it and play it back until you are quite bored. Write a play, translate it but keep it in your awareness, pressing that button and exciting your brain until your brain begs you to focus on something else.
One person suggested putting up sticky notes about it, repeat it in front of your mirror.
 
 
You will naturally turn your attention to more interesting things.

​How else could you deal with the unwanted thought?
 
Change your automatic response.
Learn a new way of dealing with it.
Practice, rehearse and keep doing repetitions.
 
If you practice enough, you’ve trained yourself to have a habit… This is the default instead of fear.
 
So what? You have intrusive thoughts.
 
You can tolerate distress and discomfort.
You can tolerate not knowing. If you practice tolerating it. Otherwise it leads you to anxiety.
 
 You can tolerate burning lungs. You can tolerate thoughts that intrude. No big deal.
 
The next time you have one, you are used to it, it doesn’t even get your attention. You don’t analyze it and it doesn’t derail you. There’s no hidden meaning, it is not an issue.
 
Let it be. False comfort or reassurance at this point only makes it worse.

​Don’t let the Thought affect you
 
Get used to the feeling- similar to exercise.
 
You know that tired feeling the day after?
You’re not injured or harmed, just sore. Get used to that feeling in the world of emotions, as well.
 
Avoid that feeling and you will not get better with emotions or with your fitness. Feel the feelings and do it anyway.
 
If you are a runner, get used to your lungs burning. No harm, no injury so let the thoughts of it go.
 
Focus on it and you are not going to be a successful runner.
 
Same with feelings. Let the little feelings distract you and your growth is stunted. The big feelings that tell you to stop or you will be injured, those you take a bit longer to process. Is it really going to injure me or is it a mischievous emotion?
 
Feeling afraid is not the same thing as the event being dangerous. If it is dangerous, don’t do it. If you are simply afraid, lean into the feelings, whether they are physical or psychological.
 

​Have you ever had thoughts cross your mind and then you pursue them like a dog with a bone? In my field we call these intrusive thoughts or distractions. They can be serious or they can be inconsequential, inconvenient thoughts. The thoughts themselves might not matter at all, but we get bumped off our game.
 
Do you have to pay attention to every thought that goes through your mind? Can you let it go and get back to the task at hand? Do you have to push back or challenge them?
 
Do the risk assessment and let them go if that is appropriate. Focus on what is in your control and finish the task at hand.
 
Would you let a gnat derail your project? No, you’d likely wave it away and then get on with it. IT is not a big deal.
 
You would not give that gnat the power over you. Or would you?
 
Don’t engage. Stay on target.

• Another series of unwanted thoughts relate to wanting to be reassured by someone else that everything is okay. IT is my job to reassure myself, when appropriate. What if everything is not going to be okay? What if I do not know and cannot know the answer to “Is it going to be okay?”

Struggle with the uncertainty and stay with that feeling. That is much of life. Very little of my life is certain. I do not demand certainty in general because that would be me making myself miserable.
If you are interest in root cause, consider getting friendly with uncertainty instead of the false comfort of reassurance. Learn to live with uncertainty. “Can I safely let this thought alone?”
You are going to have thoughts about uncertain and of course, you want to know. Who doesn’t? When you require certainty or reassurance in order to allow yourself to be happy…
If there is a feeling of desperation or urgency- slow things down and don’t engage the feeling, practice allowing it to be present and let time pass. It will go away and you will learn from that process.
 
Reassure yourself, if that is helpful. Ask for reassurance, if you need it and if it is helpful. Let’s not get hung up on reassurance when reassurance is false.