Thank you John Gottman and Dan Yoshimoto for explaining the following:

The goal is to attune to your partner, especially if they are not feeling positively. Be aware of their pain. Tune into their view of the situation and allow them to have their own way of looking at it versus trying to convert or persuade them to give up their view and see it your way. Turn toward their need, rather than turn away (dismiss them) or turn against (punish them for their opinion). Listen without becoming defensive. Call a time out if you get defensive as this is a killer for having necessary conversations!

And lastly, show some empathy. If they are in pain and you blow it off, dismiss it, minimize it or invalidate it- you have disconnection rather than connection.

You want to signal that when they are in pain, you are there for them, not that they are on their own! Not that your needs and self-interests are more important than your partner’s.

This is true of a friend, your ex and your current relationship.

Nash Equilibrium in Relationships

How do you maximize the payout for both parties (in the couple) in any exchange? That is called “the Nash equilibrium and predicts staying together because it is a high trust strategy,” writes John Gottman, PhD- they are signaling that they have one another’s back. (Thank you to the late John Nash for your work and may you rest in peace.)

This is in contrast to me going for a strategy that only benefits me (I win, you lose). While Win-lose is also selfish, it signals that I do not have your back. That I care only about my needs and what I can get out of this interaction. I do not have to treat you with respect or look out for your needs. Win-lose is about the battle and you may think you won that battle, but you will lose your marriage if that is how you operate.

In every situation, look out for your partner’s best interest, their highest good, without selling yourself out. This makes you happier.

Would you believe this works the same way for your ex as it does for your current relationship? Your children do better when you truly want, and act on, what is best for both of you.

This also works in friendships. Pursue only your interest and you will not be happy very long.

Goal: Pursue what is the highest good for all.

In my practice, I work with tons of couples. Distrust is a topic of particular interest to me and John Gottman PhD has researched this in-depth.

How do couples move from being so close to not trusting one another’s behavior and intention? Over the next few weeks I will write about some of those processes. 

For those who cannot wait, the answer is simple and not easy. Pay attention to your partner and make sure you have their back. When they attempt to get your attention and talk, hangout etc. do not blow them off or take them for granted (by the way, this is the biggest mistake most couples make- you not so subtly signal that they do not matter).

The best description of a process or path that leads to betrayal is on page 50 of The New Science of Love where Gottman outlines “the cascade toward distrust and betrayal.” There are 24 steps to get there and when you look at the outline it is easy to see how this happens in every relationship. Maybe not the affair part, but the process to get to the point where you see your spouse as someone you cannot rely upon. I simply love how straightforward it is and in this particular book, he takes you through the math involved in his research. 

While parts of the math explanation are soporific, other parts really appeal to me. What he is showing is that he does not just accept common knowledge as fact and has, in fact, disproved some “common knowledge” with his research. This helps counselors like me use what is effective for couples.

“The most fighting in a relationship happens in the first two years,” he writes. “Conflict at this phase is about establishing trust. The couple either establishes trust or divorces…half of all divorces happens in the first stormy 7 years after the wedding…success or failure is dependent on how couples argue… if the ratio of positivity to negativity during the argument exceeds 5 (5 positive to 1 negative-during the argument) they will make it. Less than 5 is a predictor of divorce.”

Please take a moment to re-read that. If you care about your relationship, and my guess is that you do or you would not be reading this blog, pay attention to the 5:1 ratio. Look at your relationship and ask yourself how close you are to 5:1 and what you can do to improve.

Next Week: More on how to choose the path toward trust instead of betrayal.

Side note: This week, tonight,  starts both my Men’s Group and Women’s Gathering. We are exploring how each gender does friendship and support and how much overlap there is between the genders. Hoping my enthusiasm is contagious, because I am really looking forward to it!

I feel very honored to have two friends who have recently called attention to people who had what I jokingly referred to as empathy deficit disorder. (EDD) These are people who posted on a news story and were terribly rude, inconsiderate and downright mean. There was no need for that and my friends were people who called them out for it, with tact.
 
Empathy is a big one and now let's throw compassion into the mix because compassion is how we know whether or not somebody is wise. When somebody acts with compassion we know that they have a deeper wisdom. 

 Empathy does not mean just taking a walk in somebody else's shoes. That just means you have uncomfortable feet at the end of your journey.


Empathy means putting yourself into the other person's perspective to such an extent that you lose your own perspective and experience the world the way they experience it. You understand what they're thinking ...the motivation behind their thoughts. It means going so deeply into their experience that you understand them. 


At the end of that experience you may still have a different opinion point of view or perspective. That's okay.

What comes with empathy is compassion. You get where they're coming from, therefore you don't judge them.  
 

When you judge, you are playing God. 


Who am I to judge?


People often misunderstand compassion


Compassion is not for the faint of heart. Compassion is not for wimps or for the weak.
 

Compassion does not mean tolerate bad behavior. 


It means that you're forceful, you say "stop" and you say "don't do that."
 

If I remember the story correctly, the brother of the Unabomber is the one who turned him in.

In turning in his brother, he was showing compassion to his brother as well as the victims of his brother. He then donated the reward money to the families of his brother's victims.