Those of you who know me well, know that I am rarely at a loss for words. Imagine this exchange in my office, verified by both parties:

So, Don, she told me, I miss you
I asked her, Oh would you like to talk?
She replied Wanna talk later? 
Me-Yeah, What time? 
She-(Radio silence )
So, Don, the call never happens. She tells me, Just call me and does not want to arrange a time. We are both incredibly busy, so I press for a time. She rags on me for being inflexible with time and I simply want to make sure we are both on the same page. I tell her,  I hate calling cold- gimme a range of times
She-(Silence) 
me-So I call and she doesn’t pick up. I call the next day, no answer. I call the next day, no answer. We text in between, but it is a poor substitute for a true conversation. She won’t answer me in more than one word a bunch of those texts.
She texts-We should hang out 
I reply-Yeah that would be nice, when? 
Radio silence 
Me-Would x work for you? 
She-Nah
Me-But you said that was your best night 
She-Yes, I'm really busy
Me- Okay, when, then? I'm not going to be the one doing all the work 
She-Didn't ask you to
Me-You said you wanted to get together but you’re not working with me. What gives?
 
As counselor, I realize that they missed each other by a country mile. If both of them want to connect, what is getting in their way? Is this merely an attachment wound playing out? Is this just this couple or is there a man/woman communication dynamic ? I am seeing this exact story in multiple couples right now. They want the connection and are not doing the work to connect. At first, I thought it was just being lazy, now I think there is more to it. Any ideas?
 
Would you walk them through the story with each giving their perspective and helping them be highly empathetic? That is what I did and it worked well.

Let’s play the mind reading game where you guess what I am thinking. No volunteers, let’s have spouses do it.

Mind read and tell me how successful it was for you.

Yet, you are telling her exactly why she did what she did.

You are filling in the whole story as if you really knew what the other person was doing and why, without the humility that is required. Humility is required when mind reading. We ask you to be a bit more tentative and ask them if that was what they were thinking. For example, "Hey, your last text to me was kinda short and I was not sure if you were really busy or if you might be mad at me. Are you mad at me?"

Your mind reading may be accurate in about 30% of the cases, which means about 70% of the time it is wrong. Stop mind reading. Ask the person rather than making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.

​“So my girlfriend seems to like me. She does really friendly things a lot of the time, but there are times it feels like we are just friends,” he said. He talked about how she does not initiate contact or risk the rejection, because that is the guy’s job, she told him. She doesn’t really open herself up and risk being vulnerable and let him get to know her, she’d rather play it safe, is his impression. She can take that angle, but if she does, it is going to hurt the relationship.
“I don’t want to convince you to be with me. I don’t want to sell myself to you over and over,” he told her. If he has to convince her, it is insulting. He has presented his case, put his best foot forward and if she wants him, she needs to just come forward and say so and act like it, he told me.
“We are not equals when she does that. I told her, ‘You allow me to love you and I don’t feel very loved in return’” he said to me.
What is the impact on this relationship? Is his perception correct? He is acting on his perception regardless of accuracy.
I keep going back to Gottman on these very common complaints. One partner makes bid after bid to connect and the other picks and chooses which bids to accept. That is okay and yet it has a deleterious effect. If you accept about 33% of the bids of your partner, you are at very high risk of divorce or breakup. The couples that stayed together had accepted each other’s attempts to connect at roughly 86%. Somewhere between 33% and 86% is the danger zone. It is where people feel loosely attached but not securely attached to their partner. They try to feel closer and they gauge whether their partner wants to connect and is able to connect. The closer it gets to 33%, the more desperate the person attempting to connect feels.
Imagine how horrible it feels when you are that lonely and the one who is supposed to love you won’t even attempt to connect, so you reach out and they won’t even accept your attempt. No matter how you feel about that person, the connection is broken at that point.

I just came back from the Yoga Fest and about 5  60 + minute sessions in a day. Yoga is so great for opening up, stretching, strengthening and it is good for your body, too. The emotional benefits are tremendous and I am looking forward to working with couples incorporating yoga, most likely in a retreat setting.

Imagine being in touch with your body, your emotions, feeling positive and grounded and then having that discussion that needs to be had. My guess is that it would go better and be more productive.

​Consider doing yoga with your partner in the next couple weeks. Spend the time and do it together,  take a class together, both opening up and getting your bodies in synch. See how that affects your mood, your marriage and your overall well being.