​Have you ever had something unexpected happen during practice or in a race, event or game? Uh huh
 
What is in your control is your response to the unexpected. Did you get lost on the trail?
 
Did the official do something weird or unfair? So what, what do you do now?
 
Prepare your brain for that. It happens.
 
The unexpected happens, almost every time.
 
Expect that at least 3-5 unexpected things are going to happen and move on quickly.
 
Let go and move on to the task at hand.
 
I am writing about sport psychology and encouraging you to generalize to other areas of your life, like relationships.
 
What is the task at hand?
Are you getting distracted by your minor emotions and taking your eyes off the prize?
 
Are you letting something small derail you? Are you letting your ego get upset by something that is not worth it? When you choose your battles, is this really a wise battle?
 
Your mental energy is best spent on the task at hand, not arguing with a ref or wishing life were different. Get back on task quickly. Practice that during practice. If there is an unplanned event, get back on track. How quickly can you get your head back in the game?

​Practice

Everyone wants to win or do their best. You know when you determine who wins? In practice.

So, Let me ask you, are you practicing?

Stick to the hard practice, the one where you are pushing yourself and learning the difference between pain that means “Stop!” versus “Hey, this is just discomfort, don’t change a thing. You got this!” Find yourself being consistent in practice even when, especially when, you don’t feel like it. Motivation is getting yourself to do things when you do not “feel” like it. Get clues from your body and make sure that you honor it, especially if it could be leading to an injury. Otherwise, push on… The same is true for emotions.
 
Imagine yourself pushing hard in practice and you get a cramp. Imagine that right now. Your brain is pleading with you to stop and telling you that dreaded word “Can’t”- right now, what feeling are you experiencing? Defeated, demoralized, discouraged, disillusioned, disappointed? Feelings are not facts. Feelings can hijack your brain.

Just because you have a feeling, does not mean anything. You determine what the physiological sensations mean in your own brain- they do not have an inherent meaning.

Own that process!!!

Can you predict that you will experience fatigue?
Yes.
A hundred times, yes.

How are you programming your own brain to interpret fatigue? That is part of being an athlete, responding to fatigue messages.
Practice how you respond to fatigue. Same in a relationship. You will feel worn out, tired, exhausted. How do you respond when the feelings are too much for you?

Practice it over and over and over and your response to fatigue shifts to what you practiced. Do not leave it to chance.

Because you can predict fatigue, you can prepare for it.

Talk back to that mischievous brain of yours, trying to convince you that fatigue means to slow down or stop.

Fatigue will not injure you or harm you. Your brain will attempt to convince you that you cannot do this and you will say back to your brain…..

I can do this. I got this.
I am not afraid of fatigue.
​This is discomfort and I can push through this.

​Imagine your young athlete, or student, learning how to succeed even when things get tough. Do you want that?

Imagine your child practicing how to bounce back after they didn’t get what they wanted. They reset expectations, learn better ways to talk back to that annoying voice in their head that tells them to quit or that they are not good enough and they learn how to problem solve on the fly. Does that appeal to you?
 
I am going to apply this to youth sports and I want you to think about how it applies to your relationship or to your academics or other life pursuits. Actively apply it to other areas and see how it could help you live a better life.
 
In counseling, we talk about how that which we avoid, gets bigger. Avoid things that caused you anxiety and your trained yourself that they should be avoided because they are so scary. If you get used to minor pain and discomfort, you know that that is just how life is, you can handle it better. Talk back to that brain that wants you to feel comfortable all the time. If you pursue comfort, you’re going to have a ton of discomfort in your life. Lean into the distress and learn how to tolerate it.
 
Build on your strengths and don’t neglect your weaknesses, especially in mental aspects. We don’t teach that very well. Take a long hard look at your performance and what it is that weakens you. What does your brain try to convince you is true? When this happens, your response can be incredibly important.
 
Why are you doing what you are doing? That can apply to the sport or the exercise or the reading etc. There is something about it that you value. If you know what you value, remind yourself why you value it, then when your feelings try to hijack your commitment to it, you can remind yourself of your values.
 
It is going to happen at some point. Performance anxiety happens in music, sports, school, asking someone out… What is your plan to handle your nerves, before you have to use it? Have the plan in place, master the skill and then when you need it, that skill is yours.
 
Have you learned how to relax yourself and get into a confident, serene place in a moment’s notice?
You’re taking a high pressure situation, you predict the high pressure, you prepare for the high pressure before it occurs and when it happens, you know what to expect as well as how to handle it.
Some people picture it in their minds first, feel the emotions while picturing it and then picture a good outcome. Repeat ten times.
Other people imagine a future outcome wherein they were highly successful and they sear it into their brain so they will always have confidence to borrow. They repeat that process of imagining it multiple times until that is their default.
 
Part of the beauty of practice in sports is that you learn. You learn that there is a difference between a scratch, a burning lung and an injury. If you have a minor scratch, you carry on. You get used to playing through minor inconveniences. More importantly, you stop when your body tells you to stop, to avoid injury. Knowing the difference between “Stop!” and “Pause, check it out and continue” is valuable. As you get comfortable with being uncomfortable, you will find that your outcomes are better and the limits you thought you had were in your mind.
 
When you are distracted by something, return to your breath. You always have your breath with you. Be there, in the present, right now… Focus on the task at hand. Consider this, if you are distracted by a minor inconvenient scratch, you cannot focus as much mental energy on the task. We have limited mental energy, use it efficiently and wisely. That is one reason we practice. In practice, your focus is on the task. Literally, during practice, keep bringing your focus back to the task at hand and you will train your brain for the real thing. If you over focus on how you feel, during the event, you are diverting necessary energy from the task.
 
Check in with how you feel from time to time and immediately go back to the task. Acknowledge that you have some discomfort and that it is not telling you to stop. Consider talking to your body, “You are not damaging or hurting yourself, you are simply uncomfortable and that will pass.” Do this multiple times during practice and you will find that your performance during the game or race or event changes.

​World situation
 
Couples tend to have “interesting” fights about politics. Politics get to the core values that people have. You can learn a lot about someone based on their voting behavior and what they value in life. What they put up with, what dealbreakers they have for politicians and political parties… Can you disagree with dignity about these things or do you have unproductive conflict? What power plays and ego moves do you notice in couples? Let’s look at how we do this in the world and guess that perhaps couples have similar struggles.
 
Sometimes a new situation arises where we cannot possibly have all the information and must act now to save lives. As we learn more, following a well-known effective process, we adapt our approach, as we should. Some people struggle with adapting to new information. They don’t like that we learned more and as we learned more we changed the strategy, as businesses, military, governments, schools, churches often do.
 
Since it is new, I’m skeptical. I don’t easily trust. I want you to reassure me with data. I want to see the impact on others before I join. I want to know you are using an excellent process to get there. I want to know about the peer review. I want answers to the questions I have. I want more data. I want to see the approach change as you learn more, as it should. I want to see that it works and I might never buy in. If you challenge me, I will double down and never change my mind. I might dig in and only look for data which reinforces my opinion because I can never be wrong, or at least never admit it.
 
At a certain point, I think you know more than I do about it. I don’t have to trust you. I have that right. I also have some responsibility- similar to the “drink chlorine” crowd. That’s if you follow ethics. 
 
If I don’t trust you, I can just do my own thing- as long as I’m owning my ethical responsibility in the situation. Getting in the way might actually make things worse.
 
Getting in the way with useful information, trusted information and info that can be replicated- is part of peer review. Don’t mistake that with an uninformed opinion, please. Don’t mistake that with an opinion that is meant to deceive and hurt.
 
Perhaps the people don’t have enough context or have a logical error in their process and could benefit from a peer review to ensure they’ve considered the process and impact. That’s a better process that is put in place to scrutinize the concept, the idea. If it can hold up to scrutiny, then we proceed until more information is available.
 
Sometimes I give examples that seem foreign to relationships, but they do relate if you look closely. Always look for patterns. What do you notice about the patterns of the past few blogs?
 
Yes, I argue for fair conversations and integrity and eliminating logical fallacies so that the logical argument has a chance for success, but what else?
 
How do you feel when you realize you are wrong?
Do you take responsibility for the accuracy and precision of your words?
Do you own up to your responsibility for the impact of your behavior and words?
You are not only allowed to challenge, you have a responsibility to challenge information that sounds off. Make sure you are listening to understand, not just to prove it wrong. The goal is understanding or the goal is ego satisfaction – your choice.
 
When you and your partner have arguments, does the logic hold up to scrutiny?
Are we being honest about the process of arguing?
Are we having these logical arguments with integrity or are we changing the rules so that we can never be wrong?
 
Do you have a system for having these types of conversations so that all parties are privy to the rules of engagement and you hold each other mutually accountable?

​The “know it all” in a couple
Imagine that I walked into the operating room and started doing brain surgery. I’m not a brain surgeon and have zero medical knowledge but… I read about brain surgery on the internet, so I know what I’m doing. I am pretty sure that they’d stop me. That’s not “cancelling” me. 
 
There are opinions that are up for debate and there are opinions that are poorly informed or just wrong. The know it all makes up things and due to the level of confidence they exude, others believe them, even if there is no accuracy. On the streets, they call that person a “con man.”
 
A “know it all” does not want to be held accountable or to prove anything because they cannot. When they feel caught, they pretend they are the victim and that having to prove what they say is unfair to ask. Their ego gets in the way of a good relationship.
 
Peer reviewed articles tend to reduce the poorly informed decisions from making it, that is why people look at the source of the information and whether it has been tested versus “just someone’s opinion.”
 
Let’s face it, you can beat any system set up. Having said that, there are some that are more challenging to beat.
 
Or we could keep it simple. If you do not know what you are talking about, label it opinion and be open to influence from someone who has more experience or knowledge about it. If you are “Right,” then your idea will stand up to scrutiny and you have nothing to lose.

​When does this misunderstanding get dangerous?
 
During the early days of the “AIDS” crisis, some people misunderstood medical knowledge. They were trying to wrap their heads around a difficult concept and it felt like a life or death situation. That usually means that some people over simplified it, which could make the situation worse. They attempted to explain it away to reassure themselves.
 
Yes, chlorine was suggested as part of universal precautions if there was blood on the floor to be cleaned. When people started drinking chlorine to kill the virus, they suffered the consequences and doctors got on tv to tell people not to drink chlorine. Imagine someone complaining of being “canceled “ because they were telling people to drink chlorine and felt offended by the medical profession saying they got their information wrong and that information was damaging people. 
 
During this time, I personally (or professionally) knew someone deliberately telling people to drink bleach.
 
More than a little sadistic because they wanted to hurt people on purpose. Should we intervene first and try to reason and impose consequences only if they won’t stop?
 
Imagine the damage that person could cause if using social media. 
 
What does this have to do with power and control and couples?
We’ve all seen couples have bizarre conversations. One of them pretends to know what they are talking about and it is abundantly clear they don’t have a clue. That does not stop them from spouting their opinion, though. Pure ego… Power play ensues and then the defensiveness or justification for their behavior. What was called for was taking responsibility- if you do not know what you are talking about, admit it. In a relationship, this can be a wonderful thing. The person had strong feelings and no evidence to back up the feelings they had. They have a right to their feelings and it is also true that feelings are not facts. “I feel that the moon is made of cheese,” does not make the moon cheese. There are wrong opinions and false conclusions and emotions get in the way of logic. Admit when you are wrong and the power play is less damaging.

​When I think about couples counseling, I think about Building Relationships and Improving Communication (BRIC). I think about how couples share, or don’t share power. Some couples want to share power and others seemingly do not want that. Suggest you eliminate guesswork and come to an agreement on this.
 
Some couples have power plays and attempt to establish dominance over their partner. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Be direct and ask for what you want and make sure that your behavior and words match.
 
Some were raised by authoritarian parents (fathers, usually) and don’t know that there are healthy ways to have those crucial conversations, instead of just saying, “Because I said so.” That ensures compliance rather than that the children will be able to use reason to arrive at their conclusions. It makes them good followers and I am guessing that is not what you want for your kids when they get older.
 
Not every couple figures this out before kids. While raising kids, chores and discipline become issues for them and power plays become more obvious when a child wants a say in their own life. Should a child be given a say in how they grow and develop? If the couple disagrees on this, we can anticipate some difficult conversations.
 
How much do you back your child when they are wrong? At home, some people act like dictators with their own kids. At school, some parents act as if their child never makes a mistake. Think through what messages are coming through when your messages are mixed like that.
 
Think through your responsibility as a parent, as well as the impact of your words and actions. Ask people what your impact is, since we don’t mind-read very well. If you accept responsibility for the words and behaviors coming from you, you model accountability for your kids, which we all want.
 
If you are wrong, can you admit that you are wrong and apologize and make sure it doesn’t happen again? Does your ego get in the way of checking yourself and your own responsibility in a situation?
 
I overheard people talking about cancel culture and how people are not quite understanding what is happening. Some people take it to the extreme.
 
Jimmy is in school. “2 plus 2 is 7,” he says. The teacher corrects him and he tells his parents that the teacher “canceled” him. What is your threshold for “canceling” in this scenario? Whose responsibility is it to let Jimmy know how to do math correctly?
 
Jane is in college and offers her opinion on a subject. She didn’t read the assignment and tells the Physics professor that she should not have to read it. The professor says, “She is entitled to her opinion and that doesn’t mean it is an educated opinion or accurate.”
 
She tells her parents that she was “canceled” and they complain to the Dean of the Physics Department. It gets worse when Jane fails a test because the information she provided on said test was not accurate. Where is your threshold for being canceled versus being helped to do the necessary work to figure out the solution?