Blog Archives

5 Mistakes People Make in the First Year of Divorce

10/20/2017

5 Mistakes People Make in Year 1 of Divorce

Radically changing something or many things in their life. They over reacted to something. The pain can be intense and they reacted instead of responded to it, hoping it would go away.
Dating and being promiscuous- STD, pregnancy, attachment, being preoccupied, distraction, using people
Staying away from their children- it simply hurts too much to deal with their ex, so they stay away, which, by extension, means they stay away from their children, as well.
Overspending- They really don’t keep a budget and are not sure how much they make or owe or can spend and they simply don’t care, until they are in a hole.
Becoming a hermit- Sometimes the breakup beat them up pretty badly and they came to some conclusions that included staying away from people who could hurt them.
Drinking too much- Many people, when they go out dating, drink a bit. Drinking kills the pain temporarily and then it disrupts sleep, gives hangovers, DUI, weight gain etc.

This list is not exhaustive- any other ones come to mind?

10/12/2017

Thinking About “The House” in Mediation?

There is nothing magical about getting the house. It does not mean that you won some epic power struggle. The house is simply a house; a place to sleep and have meals and create family time. Don’t overly attach to it to the point that you cannot walk away if you need to walk away.
Be realistic about being able to afford it, the repairs and upgrades/upkeep. If you spend all your time working, so that you can stay in the house, the house is probably going to be an obstacle in your relationship with your children.
It doesn’t need a lot of work. People underestimate the work their ex did in maintaining the house. It does take work, time, energy and resources. Their contribution might have been less visible than you realized and you may find yourself busier than you were before.
The children will be devastated if they have to move. Disappointed maybe, sad about the friends in the neighborhood, but you are most likely putting the feelings you have onto your children if this is your belief. Separate your feelings from the feelings of your children.
He owes it to me because of what he did. Wrong, nope, not how it works. Neither gender is “entitled.” This is now a business transaction and if you see it otherwise, it just might cloud your judgment.

What other myths, or distorted thoughts, have you heard about staying in the house?

10/5/2017

7 Ideas to Improve Post Divorce Co-parenting Communication

Your communication doesn’t change on its own. You have to change it. Break it down into small pieces and change one part at a time.
When you are going through divorce and separation, you may not see as clearly as you normally do and you may misinterpret their motives, for the worse. Being aware of that might help you not jump to conclusions. Clarify, if you are not 99% sure.
Assume that they are not trying to hurt you; that they are simply trying to help themselves. Have that be your default position.
Don’t expect them to care about you in their decisions or put your needs first. This is the age of free agency. They are making sure their needs get met, preferably without stepping on your toes.
Take care of yourself and get your own needs met, without trampling on their needs.
Clarify repeatedly until you truly understand where they are coming from. Assume that miscommunication is at fault, rather than assume they are bad.
Do not attack them. Defensive people are defensive because they feel attacked. If they feel attacked, chances are really good that you did a micro-aggression. Don’t blame them for defending themselves when attacked.