​Getting the Spark Back: Preparing for Valentine’s Month

You thought it was a day? Nah, it is not an event, it is a process. Maybe that is where you went wrong last year?  Are you tuned in to what she likes and wants? Do you spend time on the relationship or do you just wing it? Do you show her that you spent effort on her, that you care enough to plan something?

Let’s start with showing that you have the five attraction switches from the previous blog. Why? Because if there is no attraction, then it doesn't matter how nice and thoughtful you are. Remember the "friend zone?"

How do you demonstrate the attraction switches? You can just tell her to take your word for it or you can tell stories about yourself that demonstrate those qualities, without bragging. It can be a fine line sometimes.

What are eight qualities you want her to know about you? What makes you stand out? How do you demonstrate that you are worth spending time talking to?

Check your motivation: I'm not telling the stories to fascinate them.
I'm telling them to inspire them to regale me with stories from their past. They can be ironic, embarrassing, adventurous, sexy, awkward, naïve, touching, poetic, dangerous, heroic, confusing… however, they must evoke a positive image of me and positive emotions.
That idea is from the Pick Up Artists.

Consider ideas from Susan Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight. It is my new favorite book on how to deeply connect on an emotional level. Once you already know there is an attraction and you want to deepen it, try Johnson’s book. It is a game changer! It even has it broken down for you what to say when you are not sure how to connect. Doesn’t get much easier than that.

For those of you who have already read that book- any ideas you used for Valentine's Day? Would love to hear from you donboice@boicecounseling.com is my email for those of you who don't want to post here on the blog.

 ​Getting the Spark Back: How I Picked Up Your Wife

There are interesting statistics flying around the pick up community. Women who have been married x amount of years are easy to pick up because their husbands have stopped paying attention, stopped courting and it is like taking candy from a baby, they tell us.  Knowing that information can help your relationship!

A pet peeve of mine is when I hear the man tell me that he is a good man, as if that is enough to keep his partner interested. It is necessary to be nice, build rapport, be a stand up guy, but it does not get attention and keep it. It is necessary, but not sufficient.

Let’s go back to the Pick Up Artists who tell us that there are five attraction switches:

Each of these five has to be activated or the sparks do not ignite. Want passion? You need all of these, they inform us.
“1. I have an exciting life. I am exciting. I have a sense of humor and adventure. I am open to new experiences. I sweep her off her feet. I make her wonder. I am exciting and fun. She wants to know will he make me feel good?
2. I have a strong social network and emotional connection. She wants to know: Does he understand me? Is there emotional chemistry? Will he be loyal?
3. I have ambitious life goals - She wants to know will he go places with me? Is he successful? Does he have a positive outlook? Will he energize me and be enthusiastic?

4. I take care of my loved ones.  I am the leader of the pack. She wants to know do people follow him? Is he smart or strong enough to protect me?

5. I turn her on. Sex -is there an emotional and rational chemistry. Before being seduced she wants to know if she can trust him , feel comfortable and is there a connection? If there's a sensual and emotional connection , then you can move into sexual connection and then she will chase you.

Do not make your move until you trigger attraction.”

These are true for picking up a woman, they tell us and think about the implications of these five for a marriage or long term relationship. You need all five of these or you're in the friend zone and she thinks there's not the right chemistry. You become like roommates and fall out of love.

​Bring the Spark Back
Let’s talk about what people commonly talk about regarding what kills the passion. Even better, you can put in comments or email me at donboice@boicecounseling.com telling me what kills the passion for you. Let’s do both, okay?
“Not trying” is the biggest killer because people feel taken for granted, underappreciated and not a priority. You just have to flirt, tease, banter etc. You can’t stop doing nice things or stop learning about one another. Look at their love languages, their gender communication, what their specific personality needs are etc. and keep tuning in. Keep building rapport and emotionally connecting. Connect on every level you can, actually. Don’t tell her that you are valuable, show her your value.
Make sure you are equals, too. If either of you does too much for the other without reciprocation, that is not good. Talk about it rather than doing it with resentment. Some people try to over accommodate or impress their partner. When you try too hard, it feels needy, which destroys passion. Talking too much about your failures can also scare people away. It is good to be open and vulnerable, when it is in balance with being strong and able to stand on your own two feet. When you are stuck, do you get help to get unstuck or do you adopt a victim mentality? Are you able to take care of yourself, your job, your car, house etc? Do you signal future stability by demonstrating your ambition, your initiative?

​Bring the spark back

Frankly, I am a little frightened and disappointed by our species. Some are just ideas and others are actual pick up lines. These following lines actually worked and worked for several different people on several different women and some are from the PUA community. I think we can do better than this. Let’s set the bar a little higher folks!

How did you pick up your significant other:
I asked her to tell me the quality she finds attractive in guys. It was the fact that I had the confidence to approach her and not be put off by her beauty. I was not intimidated.
 
I was told to sniff her hair and say something nice. There is this evolutionary thing about being sniffed that seems to work. Other women thought it was creepy.
 
I just asked, “Would you like to kiss me?”
If she says, “Maybe” you say, “let's find out” and kiss her. If she says, “No” you say, “I didn't say  you could kiss me. It just looked like you had something on your mind.”
 
I said “Tell me, what do you have inside that would make me want to get to know you as more than a mere face in the crowd?”
 
I decided to be weird and during the conversation, I said silly things like, “You have beautiful eyes. Can I touch them?”
 
I was told to act like I was the prize instead of acting like getting her would be a prize.
 
I tried one of the disqualification lines:
“Wow, your friend is so demanding. Is she always like this?”
“Stop being so grabby. I’m not easy.”
“Those shoes look really comfortable.”  
“I like that skirt. I just saw a girl wearing it a few minutes ago.” Or
“ I like that skirt. Those are really popular these days.”
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The key with these is to have just enough of a smile, so you are not mocking, just teasing and flirting. The lines are not magical, they are the opener for you to get her attention and then demonstrate to her why she would want to be with you.
 
What is your value? Demonstrate it for her or you won’t get far with these openers!

​Bringing the Spark Back

I did not get a huge response to the previous blog request- romantic ideas. "Try" seemed to be the common theme- and there are books that are good yet basic that have ideas for being romantic ie 101 Ways to Be Romantic.

Attraction and spark are related. If the person does not feel attracted to you, then the sparks will not fly. What are the preconditions? The environment, for one

Are you setting an environment that is trusting, not threatening, allows the person to relax, is interesting and there is enough time for sparks? One person referred me to literature from the Pick Up Artists (PUA). Neil Strauss wrote a few books, the best of which seems to be The Rules of the Game. Put aside the horrible ethics for a moment and look at how you pick up your significant other. Use the author’s ideas to “pick up” your significant other. Why use pick up ideas? Because they know how to build attraction and rapport and move things towards passion. Applied correctly and with the right motivation, it might be enough to move your relationship out of a slump.
For example, 
“after awhile of being nice to one another, making sure both are rested, try soul gazing. Soul gazing, is when you look deep into a woman's right eye with your own right eye as you both breathe  together. Once you do this with her, she's going to bond real strong with you.”
 
“Attraction is working on yourself and improving yourself to the point where she is magnetically attracted to you and wants to be around you.” Ask yourself if you are doing things that would make someone want to be around you.
 
They suggest that you eliminate bad breath, body odor, clothes that do not fit or are badly stained, poor posture and poor speech, and any neediness such as self-deprecating humor that comes off as neediness.
 
Neil Strauss writes that women seek a wonderful night out, romantic attention, and emotional connection. Are you doing all three or are you sitting at home being boring, not being playful with her and just settling for a lazy night? Are you trying? Are you working to get and keep her attention?
 
“I asked her if she was a good kisser, and we kissed for a while. I stopped it and suggested we go downstairs for a drink,” he said. He talked about the male doing things that were once in the domain of the woman in terms of turning down. When is the last time a man interrupted intimacy and suggested something else to her? It is not expected the first time and breaks a pattern. If it happens repeatedly, it is no longer effective in getting attention.
 
He suggests “download cesaria evora- Best make out music on the planet.”
 
“Commonalities, simply finding out that you have a passion for something another person also likes and respects is enough to fire that strange emotion we like to call chemistry. When two people discover they have things in common pheromones are released and attraction begins.”

“Read to her the most beautiful love story ever written, On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning by Haruki Murakami.”
 
So my challenge to you is this: Try one of the above suggestions and let me know how it worked for you. Better yet, try a combo of the above and approach them with fun and playfulness. Flirting is being playful with someone, letting them know that you are interested in them.
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Next time, we’ll have some stupid opening lines to try with your SO. In the meantime, think of some good conversation starters. She wants to connect, so offer to connect!