​Empathy
 
Let’s check your progress.
Are you being compassionate when your empathy is engaged?
Are you fighting this tooth and nail?
Do you have a belief system that is getting in the way of building relationships unless they meet your expectations/demands?
 
Are you confronting your own indoctrination or are you reinforcing your beliefs and feeling defensive?
 
Does that help your relationship with your family or partner?
 
Does your partner complain about your lack of empathy, your inability to work with your own emotions, your coldness?
 
A homeless person is at the corner.
What feelings come up for you?
 
What do you do with those feelings?
 
Do you connect with your fellow human, recognizing the connection we all have, the need for basic mercy and compassion?
 
Even if you do not give a $5 case of bottled water, would you consider praying for them and seeing the reflection of yourself in them?
 
Would you consider trying a higher level of empathy?
 
If you cannot have empathy for someone who is that helpless, that vulnerable, the homeless, ask yourself about your belief system and whether or not it truly serves you with other humans.

Imagine that someone you love wrote the following:

​I have a disorder that affects my connective tissue, and in me it really hurts my joints.
 
As I was eating my oatmeal, I scooped up the next bite to eat and my wrist turned, shooting pain severe enough that I dropped my spoon. All my joints were on fire today.
 
Hate complaining and griping, but there is nothing that takes the pain away. I have taken all the right medications and supplements, eaten the correct food for anti inflammation, exercise daily, done the right blood tests… and then on the way to work, I made the mistake of turning left, during which my left shoulder slipped out of joint. Not a full dislocation, mind you, just slipped out, which also hurts and makes it harder to turn left.
 
My joints dislocate easily and slip out of joint, not always a full dislocation, but enough to get stuck. My ankles slipped out and it feels like I am walking on broken legs and I know I am ruining the cartilage.
 
What can you do when you are listening to me?
From an empathy standpoint, most people cannot stand hearing that there is nothing they can do. Their feelings of impotence become the topic of discussion.

Some people want to blame me for the pain, tell me to do something differently, because they cannot comprehend someone having to go through that, because they themselves, can’t relate.

When they are in pain, they do what the doctor said and get results. The only reason they are in pain is that they did something wrong and they assume all of us are alike.
 
I’m not really the wild and crazy type. Even typing hurts my wrist. My leg pain wakes me up. I didn’t do anything to my legs or wrist to make them hurt like this. Thank you for not implying that my pain is my fault.
 
Rather than trying to fix my pain, trust me, I have thought of a million ways and my house has braces, ointments, supplements, all the self care stuff, just listen to me to understand. Just hear me out. What I want from you is not a fix, because I doubt there is a fix. I just want you to understand that I am in pain. Basic human need is to be understood, without judgment or making it about you helping. I try to fake it and smile and go to work and do the things that normal people do. I try not complaining. It is exhausting. Literally exhausting.
 
Allow me to have this pain without the false hope of a fix, without the blame or contempt or judgment.  No persuasion. Just a statement like, “That sucks.” Or “I can see how that must be very tough. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about it.” The pain is hard enough to bear without out that drama. Just knowing that someone understands and can listen without fixing, well, that really helps me not feel so terribly alone.
 
Thank you for not fixing me, but just showing empathy and compassion. You do not have to take it on, just be a witness for me. Appreciate that.
  
I imagine this holds true for other people and their specific pain.

​Empathy and Personal Growth
 
If you cannot have empathy for the helpless, the suffering, then what is your empathy like for yourself and your partner?
 
Does empathy stir up action for you or just an emotion?
 
Does compassion flow from empathy or were you taught that is weakness?
 
Imagine coming home from the market and you have extra fruit and vegetables. A homeless person is at the corner.
Do you give of your excess?
Do they need to eat fruit and vegetables, just like you?
 
Are you the type of person who helps others in need?
 
Apply this to your relationship, because we are fairly consistent.
Do you help your partner when they need your help or do you insist that they always are self-sufficient?
 
Do you insist that they meet your particular standard of need and worth, that they work for it or do you help people according to their need?
 
What does your style do to the other person?
 
Does it draw them in for connection or push them away?
 
Are you able to put yourself in their shoes and build connection or does that part of you need some work?
 

​Full empathy
 
 
Keep going with empathy and relationships – it is not limited to the homeless or your partner…
 
 
When your infant is thirsty or hungry, you don’t stop to consider if they pass your test for being worthy of eating. At least I hope you don’t.
 
You feed them without judgment because it is the right thing to do. Why?
 
You alleviate their suffering rather than add to it. 
 
You likely have never questioned that.
 
They did not “earn” your help.
 
They did not “earn” that food and yet you willingly gave it to them. Why?
 
Have you ever been an infant and relied on others?
 
What was it like to rely on someone else to take care of your needs because you could not?
 
 
Have you ever had to rely on your partner for help, emotional, physical or other? What was that like for you?
 
How do the two of you do when one needs to rely on the other?
 
Are you there when your partner needs you?
Can your partner rely on you?
 
This is the basis of trust, as an infant, a young child, someone in relationship to someone in power, a romantic relationship, business relationship…

Homeless empathy 

I want to play with a concept with you. I think your ability to empathize with your partner is predictive of your success in the relationship. If you are able to get out of your own way, your own view, your own selfishness and sacrifice for others, this positively affects your relationship.
 
Try on the concept by looking at people with mental illness. People who, try as they might, even with good counseling, good medications, cannot always control the voices in their heads, the hallucinations, panic attacks, deep depression, delusions. They may have lost many jobs and given up or maybe the system just isn’t designed for people like this.
 
When you see someone who is mentally ill and homeless, are you able to feel empathy or do you have judgment?

Do you feel sad and want to help or do you feel angry and frustrated and start blaming them?

Do you compare your situation with them or do you see that there is something very different happening simply due to a mental illness beyond their control?
 
Don’t judge yourself too harshly, it just means you have not fully developed your empathy and compassion.

Maybe you were taught something about “Them” that is not true and this teaching was repeated enough that you believe the teaching was true. Explore that and watch your empathy shift.
 
Keep growing your empathy for yourself, your partner, family, society, the homeless, people who suffer (we all suffer).

When you witness someone suffering, the healthy response is to hold space rather than judge, and be curious about how to alleviate suffering. You want a healthy response to your own suffering and to theirs.

Consider asking yourself the following: 
What is the cost of the status quo?   
What is attractive about the status quo?

Those two questions open up the capacity for empathy. 

​We are Not Consistent
 
We like to see ourselves as consistent, though. We seem to value that, even if we do not do it in reality.
 
I am most likely to do what I did in the past… If that is what this person is thinking, how do we reduce barriers to change?
 
Counseling- no one does homework but they expect counseling to work and undo all the habits in one hour a week. We laugh when we see that in writing. 50 years of ingrained habit, undone in one counseling session? It could happen, I suppose… 
We want to change, but don’t do the things necessary to change. That is the inner conflict. That is it right there.
 
Can you imagine someone being honest enough to say, “Part of me wants to change and I don’t know why, but I keep sabotaging it by not putting in the necessary work to change.”
 
How successful do you want to be? How much and what type of work do you anticipate it will take to get there? Do it. Keep track of where you started and do a feedback loop yourself. What worked well this week and what did not work well? What do I need to change in order to reach my goal?
 
How will you keep yourself on track?
 
They want to believe “I am in alignment”- even if not. Alignment means that my words and actions bare some resemblance.
 
Do you consider yourself to be consistent and in alignment 100% of the time?
 
If you are not always in alignment, how about your relationship?

​Deep Canvassing (continued) from the book The Catalyst
 
Deep canvassing worked equally well -regardless of political affiliation or preexisting beliefs.
 
It even convinced people who were initially opposed to transgender rights to warm to the issue. 
 
Imagine approaching someone who said to you (or just believed),
“I believe in working hard and to be anything but a conservative is to put your faith in God into question. How can you be a baby killer? People who are not Christian either never heard about Christ or are bad people who do drugs and commit crimes.”
 
Yes, I know people who would say that and consider themselves Christian. I have also heard people from other religions with beliefs that are not consistent with the actual religion.
 
If you want to engage them as human, rather than trying to persuade them that they are wrong, you might establish a relationship and that might have a better chance of success. Remember that we have all been brainwashed and they are simply showing you where they have swallowed whole someone’s teachings.
 
Don’t judge them for that, if you can.
 
Remember, we all have really silly or harmful beliefs. Want them to change their belief systems?
 
Do not confront head on or with facts and figures or logic, because that is not how those beliefs got in there.
 
Try an effective strategy. Reread the past few posts for more ideas.
 
Likewise, imagine being in an audience and thinking, “People who were similar to me laughed at those jokes.”
 
Therefore, I’m more likely to joke because I can relate. They are similar to me. I am similar to them. They are my people. We have this desire to be consistent. We have a desire to be part of a group, to feel included. We do things that people similar to us do.
 
Imagine if people who are very dissimilar to you laughed at those jokes -would you still be willing to laugh and go along with it?
Research has shown that if the people laughing were dissimilar enough, people are reluctant to laugh, too.
 
For example, if you had someone tell a racist joke, then cut to a bunch of people in KKK hoods laughing, most people would not laugh or stop laughing. Unless their belief system was similar to the KKK.
 
People are more likely to donate if people similar to them have donated. Politicians tell you, “These people donated to my campaign” (and they are similar to you, have similar demographics and similar values) because that increases the likelihood of getting your donation.
 
They’re more likely to do something that people similar to them have done - for example, “I like that TV show -you’d like it, too.”  You just might watch a few episodes and try it out.
 
It really helps if someone who is very similar to you likes it!!!

​Why does this approach work?
 
Instead of direct empathy, deep canvassing encourages voters to find a parallel situation from their own experience.
 “Think about a time when you felt similarly.”
 
For example, I got good grades and would not be able to empathize well with somebody who failed in school. Instead, you would reach me by saying,
“Think about a time you were judged negatively for being different. See how your own experience might offer a window into what these people are going through.”
 
If they served their country in the military, they might relate to,
“Are you a veteran who has PTSD and no one would hire you? Nobody could see beyond the PTSD?”
 
Deep canvassing “switches the field” and finds a dimension where people are closer together; where they agree rather than disagree on the sticking point.
 
“It is about love and adversity, caring, how it feels to be ostracized. To be judge negatively or discriminate against her being different, something anyone can relate to regardless how they feel about this particular issue.” 
“Who would disagree about the importance of meaningful love?”
(About reducing adversity and helping the ones we care about?)
 
Or apply this to couples counseling instead of politics: Do you and your partner value meaningful love? How do you demonstrate that?

​Need change or want change?
 
People with a healthy conscience don’t exploit people. They just don’t. These are powerful concepts, so check in with your morals, ethics and the law.
 
Ask, “It is essential or Is it nice to have?”
For example is it (whatever the “it” is)  a want, like a vitamin -or is it a need, like a painkiller or a diabetes drug?
 
(I think the reason the author used painkiller and diabetes drug as examples is that the pharmaceutical companies, in realizing they were needs, did not feel constrained by ethics or healthy conscience. They knew they could raise the price and people did not have a full and free choice to decline. Decline to pay for your diabetes drug and what happens? Opioid addiction epidemic was related to the need for painkillers and they manipulated the system to make themselves billionaires because it was a need.)
 
Find a potential user who needs the offering of your politician and cannot wait to sign up. (What do your people need? Rather than hold them hostage to their needs, consider using full empathy and your conscience, following your morals and ethics. Manipulation and exploitation are not what we are recommending here.)
 
Start with the people whose position is closest to begin with. They hopefully become advocates and bring others with them. They are open to influence at this point. Don’t ask for too much at first or they close down. Build the relationship with them and demonstrate trustworthiness, your ability to sacrifice your needs for their needs. You don’t need to sacrifice all the time, but we all know politicians who are self-serving, making it all about themselves and we don’t trust that behavior. Did you go door to door to build a relationship with this voter, this constituent, or did you go door to door to get their vote and then do what you please?
Each time you go back, listen and are open to their influence as well, you build relationship. When the relationship is solid, they are more open to your influence, to you asking them to vote for what is important to you. This is my version of “deep canvassing.” People are very wary of being manipulated and exploited, so keep your motives in mind.
 
Agreeing to the first “ask” shifted the position of some people. If I ask you to give $1 to my campaign, most people can afford that and do not object.
 
He/she becomes “the kind of person who does that sort of thing.” That makes later asking much easier on both people. If I come back and ask for $20, and you already gave me money, you are much more likely to give the $20.
 
The final ask, which, at first would’ve been too far away, was now within the zone of acceptance -this makes them more likely to help or change their mind.
 
Canvassing-knocked on doors and talked to supporters to understand their perspective -why they voted against something. Please keep your motivation clean. If you are there and you do not care about them as humans, they will detect that.
 
At this point, some people suggest a very carefully designed script. That’s talking at someone *not* asking why they feel the way they did.
Deep canvassing is asking first, understanding them and then asking them. Treat them like a human being worthy of respect and they respond differently. If you always promise to do something in your campaigns and never even try when in office, they will see through you.
 
What are some issues?
Over half of Americans express anti-black prejudice and a third are against gay marriage.
 
*A single 10-minute deep canvassing conversation made the voter significantly more accepting.
The effect was not short-lived. It persisted months after the canvassers had stopped by. 
 
It even with stood exposure to attack ads from the opposition. Hard to beat that.
 
Consider the message that you are sending to the voters. “I care about what you think. What matters to you matters to me as your public servant. I am willing to ask and listen to you. Let’s be real with one another.” This is very different than the autocrat who uses people for their self-aggrandizement.