Yes, this will help you in business.

Turn your attention toward a certain part of your body. Do it repeatedly and the insula, right behind the frontal lobes, becomes more sensitive to that area. You “tune in” by tuning in. Makes sense…

As someone who teaches relationship building and improving communication to managers, this information is vital. Consider the manager who is not quite self-aware at this stage of the game. He can learn to pay more attention to his own emotions, his inner workings and not only help himself, but help everyone with whom he interacts. The more he tunes in to his body, ie his heart rate, his gut, his feelings, the more sensitized he becomes. It becomes a great source of information for him. The more sensitive the insula is to your own inner workings, the easier it is to understand the inner workings of others- a key managerial skill or deficit.

Dan Goleman calls it the “inner voice” in his book The Triple Focus. (What is the triple focus?- Understanding self, other, and the larger systems within which we operate)  

I have worked with people for years to “trust their gut.” There is something beyond logic and rationale that often tips the scales in favor of a certain decision. We may have no idea why we should follow it, but when we do, we get it right. When we go against our gut, the results are often poor. Thank your insula for that.

Practice: How are you feeling right now? How do you imagine the other person is feeling right now?

If you practice, get feedback on and communicate about this process, you get better at reading not only yourself but others. Read others better and your chances of being better in the world of business improve.

Business is a series of relationships, if you want to be better at business, get better at relationships. Try on what the other person might be feeling and build your ventromedial prefrontal area. According to Damasio, it is what guides our most complex decision making.

As with any habit, the more you repeat it (correctly), the stronger and better it gets.

3-6-14

Quick confession. As a couples counselor, a married person and a man, I find that to be a huge copout!

There, I said it.

Look, if you got past the first date, chances are near 100% that you know how to connect. So let’s deconstruct what you just said-

Are you really saying that you have given up and do not want to connect? You are done? You are just not that into your partner? Are you saying you are too lazy to try? Are you saying you do not want to do any more work than you have to because you are either depressed or overwhelmed?

Keeping it simple, let’s pretend your relationship ended and you have to go back out there on the market again. What would you do? Do those things with your current partner and watch how well you connect. Yes, you would spend time getting to know one another. You would be eager to spend time together and curious about them. You would want to put on your best face, be entertaining and fun. You would go outside your comfort zone in order to make them happy.

Men would focus on, and highlight, their masculinity, humor and intelligence, earning power and ability to advance. Women would focus on, oh, who am I kidding, I don’t speak for women… What would women focus on to attract the guy they want?

Think about it another way- I cannot connect to the Internet. My wi-fi connection is not good. What should I do? You know the basics, right? You would get up and fix it if you could-plug and unplug your router, call the help desk, try something. In some cases, you might need to get a new router or change your Internet provider.




Yes, I am saying that some people are more responsive to their Internet connect than to their spouses!

It had to be said.




Shoot me some ideas of what women focus on to attract the guy they want so I can spread the word.

I am always looking for trends and patterns and trying to wrap my head around them.

Here is the latest in differences in couples:
One person, usually the more masculine of the two, is quite happy with the time spent together and the other is not. There are a range of thresholds for this.

So what is the expectation of time together when you have a relationship. How much time is enough? How much time is too much? How much is not enough?

I have heard stories (not firsthand) of people who live near their spouse, but prefer not to live with them. That way, they get their down time, maybe their styles of keeping house are different and most importantly, they do not have to answer to one another for a million little things. From what I hear, the relationships are more intense, more enjoyable for the people. They get together with their partner when they choose.

I am intrigued by this and would love to hear your ideas of together time for couples, time for self and time as a whole family.

Let me know what you think.

  Use the following to guide you before you get into a conflict, once you get into a conflict and for help getting out of conflict.

1. Demonstrate that you can see the other person’s reality and you do not think they are stupid for their perspective.
2. You do not have to change who you are in order to be acceptable. Neither do they.
3. Remember that I do not always see reality clearly, please help me.
4. Is what I have to say helpful, nice, accurate and is this the right time for me to say it?
5. Explain your experience using an “I statement.” Try doing it with loving kindness. Otherwise, it feels like an attack and your partner will likely not hear you.
6. Let your partner know what you need from them in a way that they can accomplish it versus telling them what is wrong with their personality or what you do not want.
7. Trouble communicating? Try this: When you hear your partner speak, really listen. Make sure you understand what they are saying, clarify if you need to. Walk a mile in their shoes and then validate it. You often become allies when you understand what each other needs. Then and only then is it your turn to be the speaker.
8. When you feel your heart approaching 100 beats per minute, take a time out to cool down and think clearly. Let your partner know that you need a break and will come back and talk about it.
9. It is okay to feel anger and to tell your partner that you are angry. Just know that anger is the second emotion and that hurt, fear or vulnerability is likely the underlying emotion. Try expressing that one instead. It is much, much easier to hear and increases your odds of being heard.
10. When you feel defensive, say so and ask for a moment to get perspective and cool down.
11. Do you want to increase your odds of being listened to? Try talking more calmly, using I statements and without accusing your partner. Compassion, respect and being nice really help.
12. Ask yourself-How can we make this conversation better the next time we talk?
13. Tell your partner, “Honey, I need to talk for about five minutes. You do not need to fix anything, just listen and validate my feelings please.” When they know what to do and how to please you, they have a better chance of being successful.
14. When someone is pulling back because they feel attacked, it is best to let them pull back. If you go in after them, you frequently will frighten them away.

Statements to try:

1. "This would be a good time to validate that I have a right to a different opinion, even if you do not agree with that opinion. And that you still love me even when we have differences."
2. "I am not sure you fully get what I am saying. It could be that I am not explaining myself well. Could you please paraphrase/clarify what you hear me saying?"
3. "I am having a hard time hearing what you have to say right now. Could I ask you to lower your voice or check the tone and use an “I statement” and fully own your experience?"

Check Out This Free Personality Test

www.Enneagraminstitute.com

Click on the "sample test" for 36 questions. Yes they are forced choice questions. You have to choose even though they are not always absolute or clear cut. It took me about 15 minutes to do it and you get back your results right away.

Why would you want to do that?

You learn quite a bit about your personality and what makes you tick. That is one of the goals of counseling and here is a free test helping you do it. It also points out some fears that you can face to help you grow and develop. A bonus feature, for payment to their website, is that you can see how compatible your personality is with your partner’s personality. Or go to another website and search “Enneagram” and “Compatibility.”

I find that people enjoy getting to know themselves at deeper levels and understanding why they do what they do.

If you are wondering how or why you are “stuck,” this might help even more. It helps with career changes as well.

I cannot think of a downside of knowing yourself even better.

The book, Women's Ways of Knowing, by Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger & Tarule describes a feminine learning style that fits well with women's conversational style. Example: When women hear a new or different idea, they set their doubts and disbelief aside and tune in carefully to what the person is saying; they try to see it from the other person's view point. Women try to understand the other person's opinion as completely and deeply as possible; they cognitively "go with them," wanting to hear the person's views and understand why they think this way. Women seek to make sense of the new idea, to grasp how it can be seen as accurate and useful. This is certainly a "way of knowing" and could be called the "believing approach ." It involves empathizing with the speaker to cooperatively assimilate the truth together, i.e. cooperating. Women effectively use this same listening style when someone has a personal problem.

I am a man and a counselor and I cringe when I see the clash between how men do this and how women do this.

Sometimes I ask myself, "How do they put up with us?"

All the best,
Don

I like entertaining different points of view, especially ones that challenge me. Even if I do not fully agree, the thoughts it stimulates can be helpful. Here is some food for thought.

"Some have contended that our society teaches males to hate females. If so, exactly how is that done? We don't yet know. The Psychoanalysts believe little boys 3 to 6 undergo great turmoil as they must give up their identification with a close, nurturing mother and switch it to a father.
   In this process, boys may be unwittingly taught to dislike, even disdain female (mother's) characteristics in order to give them up; thus, the "hatred" of women's ways (and little girls) may be generated in little boys. Also, in this early process, boys may learn to suppress their urges to show affection (to mother especially) but also that losing intimacy (with mother) can cause great pain; perhaps this is the origin of some grown men's fear of intimacy (Hudson & Jacot, 1992).
     Girls, since they never have to give up their identification with mother, tend to develop a fear of possible separation which results in greater needs for intimate affiliation. On the other hand, girls do have to shift their sexual orientation from a mother-like person to a father-like person, and boys do not. This may help explain boys' greater focus on the female body as a sexual object (more than male bodies being a sexual stimulus for women), boys' greater homophobia, males' greater emphasis on sex and less on closeness, and other differences between male and female sexuality. So, according to Judith Viorst (1986) in Necessary Losses, we all suffered a serious loss (boys giving up Mom as an identification and girls giving up Mom as a sexual object) that has a permanent impact on our personalities."

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I want things the way I want them. I have strong preferences and I assume that my way is what is best for me. When I let go of the control, there is no telling how things will work out.

Being out of control can be scary to people, very scary. This often depends on what happened in their past when they were not in control.

Please look at your life and when it is easiest to let go of control and when it is hardest. Do you believe that life works out and things are going to be okay? If you do, you allow them to unfold, to happen organically. If you have had the experience that sometimes life really hurts you, you are more likely to push or pull or somehow manipulate to get your way.

Do a quick inventory of what is challenging in terms of letting go for you.


Of what do I need to let go?

Here are some of the ones I hear the most. I have put them in the masculine form, though I hear the same trends from women:

Closure-issues from my past, hers, ours

Am I still hung up on what’s her name, my first girlfriend?
Am I comparing my wife with ________?
Am I still thinking about you-know-who at inopportune times?
Does my wife know I still have contact with what’s her name?

Can I let go of the difficulty we had when we were first dating, or the miscarriage, the affair, that porn thing, the thing she said about me to her family/friends?

Do I need closure about that guy she was dating before we met, or the time I thought she was having an affair and she denied it, or that time she was traveling and when she got back, she talked in her sleep.

Everyone lets go or else sleep could not happen. We have plenty of practice at letting go. Exercise your letting go muscle and be mindful of what it feels like each time you let go. There can be a freeing quality to it or a sweet surrender.

Here is to a week of experimenting with letting go.

All the best,
Don

I ran across this article from a few years back that seems to have the same relevance today that it had back then.

"Neither do we know why the self-esteem of girls drops markedly at ages 12 or 13 or why girls are more cooperative and involved in relationships (Gilligan, Lyons & Hanmer, 1990). Actually, interesting recent research indicates that the drop in math and science grades only occurs in girls from traditional families in which gender roles are emphasized and the mothers are assigned the child-rearing role. Girls in egalitarian families also spent seven more hours per week with their fathers than girls in traditional families. These findings are reported in Psychology Today, August, 1996, and based on Kimberly A. Updegraff's research as a graduate student at Penn State. Good fathering is important.

Men and women operate in two very different social worlds. Men are in an ongoing contest, competing with everyone by displaying their competence and skill. Why don't men ask for directions when lost? Because it puts them in a you-know-more-than-I-do position. Women are cautious but persistently seek intimacy; they want emotional support, cooperation, and praise. Given these different orientations, it is no wonder the sexes have trouble communicating!

Many men relish getting into lively arguments about politics, sports, or a professional issue. Like boys at play, men are establishing their place in the pecking order."

While we point out the differences in gender, I would also like to say that I am finding more and more sameness between genders as I do this counseling work. There are more style differences than gender differences. The idea is not to highlight the differences, it is to point out potential hurdles so that we can adequately prepare.

While watching the video Celestine Prophecy, I was reminded about sending energy. Both men and women thrive on energy and attention and appreciation. Imagine a society in which everyone got their fill of energy. We can do this for our partners. I can send my wife energy and she instantly feels better. She does the same for me and then I have more to send her. We can expand this and expand this. The movie highlights this at the end and the ironic part is that my wife does energy healing in which she sends energy to people. It is a great complement to the counseling practice and we are working on ways to bring this gift to more people.

Imagine opening your heart on a regular basis to your partner and feeling full of energy. It is a wonderful place from which to operate. It has great implications for relationships as well.

School starts up soon, so I look forward to more regular blog posting.

All the best,
Don

  "My wife makes me angry!"

Dear reader: I am risking you having a strong reaction to this, so please cut me some slack as I walk through the logic. Try to not take it too personally. If emotions come up, go ahead and deal with them, let them evaporate and come back to the words here.

Let’s look at what he is really saying. “She is responsible for my feelings. I have no control over how I feel. She did something and the only option I have is to feel angry,” therefore, “she made me angry.”

Obviously, this is a logic trap and yet so many of us fall into it.

I can only be happy if my wife ____ (fill in the blank).

I choose to be happy only if my wife ____

Unless my wife does ____ I refuse to be happy

It is impossible for me to be happy if my wife _______

Why would I consciously create such a dilemma in my brain? I choose to be happy only if she _____ (fill in the blank).

Also, isn’t that a bit controlling? If she doesn’t ____(fill in blank) then she is responsible for my feelings.

That feels more like a guilt trip. Also, look at what is in your blank.

On a deeper level, I am saying “Unless she does what I want her to do, I will punish her by being angry or at least withholding my happiness from her.”

We all do this, right?

Can we stop and take responsibility for our behavior with this?

I am responsible for how I feel.

The events that happen influence me, ultimately I am responsible for how I respond. That makes sense.

I am not some helpless victim. I do not have only one response to no matter what happens. I have choices, options.

Again, “I refuse to allow myself to be happy if my wife does not do what I would like her to do.” We can justify this all day and yet, it rings false.

We create our own misery, happiness and sadness. Do not limit what you allow to make you happy!

With Peace,

Don