Set aside some time to get to know one another better.
Which one of us is more direct and what makes you think that?

What are the exceptions to that rule? Yes there are pretty much always exceptions.

What are the implications of this for our partnership? (please spend some time here- as a couples counselor, this is a daily dilemma for my clients. Many of their misunderstandings are due to this.)

How do we adjust or how could we adjust?

​Please note, at different times, one may be more indirect than the other and then you switch. This is not one of those better than or worse than things, it is a style difference. Please avoid contempt and blame.

Imagine knowing yourself and your partner really well- that is that start of intimacy. Share who you are if you know who you are. Be conscious in your use of language.

Want other ways to get to know your partner?

These can be fun, it is better to be done in an attitude of fun, rather than work, please…
 
How well do you know me and care to know me?

Do you know my five love languages, in order?

I think you like these and here is why.

Is that accurate? (take turns and yes write them in your phone or on paper)

Do you know how to use that information? Sounded like a yes or no question, but I am asking your partner if you are good at using that information, not you. You probably think you are doing well and your partner might have a different opinion. Maybe…

Ask your partner- How can I better use that information in our relationship?

Practice doing it in conversation right now.

​Make it more accurate please, I want to understand you better. 

​Exercise: Get to know which of the five senses your partner favors. Usually there is one that is above the others. Imagine being able to figure this out and talk to them in a way that their unconscious mind can really get. It just makes listening so much easier, almost like speaking their language, right? Try it now

Please know your partner and how these relate to behavior.

Visual
You might hear them say the equivalent of , “I want to see all my options. Can’t you tell by the look on my face?”

Look at my clothes and the colors and you will see how I value the visual aspects

Tends to talk quickly
Bored easily with conversation and words and lectures
Pretty, colorful and bright
Might be an artist
They say (or respond well to) things like, “You see”
“Let me show you”
“Your future is bright”
“Beyond the shadow of a doubt”
 
Auditory
Might be heard saying things like, “That is what you told me”

“I hear you”

The sound and tone of your voice is very important to me in communication
“Sounds good to me”
Slow talker
Distracted by noise
Music enhances the mood
Sensitive to tone, pitch etc
Might be a musician

How to sell them on an idea, “If I could tell you about… would you want to hear about it? If that sounds good to you then…”

Take a second and think about how this information can be helpful, if you want to be tuned in to your partner. What do you notice so far in terms of visual and auditory? How could you take your knowledge and be closer to your partner?
 
Kinesthetic
I go with my Gut feelings in important decisions

I share my feelings
Slowest talker
Breathing is way down in belly, not diaphragm like auditory
Feelings and gut are important.
Selling them an idea, “If I could give you something that could take hold of… Walk you through… get you hands on it. Doesn’t it grab you?”
 
Auditory/digital (combo that goes with logic and can be a chameleon and adapt to the speaker)
I consider all my options and then decide the best course of action
Internal self talk is big
Reason/logic
They repeat back what you said to them so it takes longer to respond.
Thinking, processing, understanding

They often match the system of the person who is talking to them- build rapport quickly
“If I could give you a process that you could follow it makes sense that you would consider it?”
 
Have them describe the picture in their head of a time they felt super confident. Pay attention to which of the five senses they preference by using a lot. If you think about it, it makes sense that they want you to speak their language. This might take some practice.

Within NLP, there are specific eye movements for future/constructing and past/recall images. If you are interested in NLP, it is used quite a bit and can be helpful in building rapport.

​Phone

You have a phone, right? Have you ever used it to call her?

When you are on the phone, they are talking so they are breathing out (breathe out when they breathe out).- ask the person on the phone follow up questions, get them to talk about themselves. Match the things you can over the phone and see how quickly you can build rapport.

Just a reminder that if you want to get a better connection- these past few weeks, the blogs are all about quick exercises to build rapport and connection.

Which of the 5 senses do they talk about most? Use that knowledge.

Their tone of voice is 38% of the total communication- pay close attention and clarify, reflect back, actively listen and words are only 7% but combined that is 45% of the total communication. Again, if you speak their language, you will feel more bonded and they are more likely to hear what you are saying. Imagine how good it will feel when they seriously consider what you are saying.

Get to know your partner and how to listen and how to speak to them differently. Imagine speaking to the deepest part of them, their unconscious.

When you establish rapport with communication, you feel connected. When you deepen rapport you feel a strong union, you click and it feels wonderful.

What might that contribute with enlightenment through ecstasy?

If you can get each other to communicate with words and body language, how might that translate into your sex life?
This could be really promising, just saying…

Oh my goodness, I cannot stand even more rapport, we have enough already!!

This one is a little bit longer and more fun than the others, well some of the others. Talk to them and ask them to think about something stressful to them- using your superpower of peripheral vision, what changes in their face do you notice?

Pay attention when they do the same emotion again. Have them tell you what emotion they are doing and get to know their face.

Do it for anger, concentration, happy, relaxed etc

What did you notice?

Do that 3 times for each emotion you chose. (at some point you will switch or take turns)

Once you feel like you have it down, ask them to pick one of those feelings now and you have to guess, based on their face, how they feel.

You are cooperating, working together as a team to ensure you can do this. It is important for later on…

Now, once you get good at that, try to trick the person and ask them to trick you or try and see if you can still read them-peripheral vision is best. Do a few rounds each

Now, pay attention, during this series of exercises, to when you are breaking rapport, without trying to break rapport.

How am I getting in my own way of connecting? Usually, you made it about you and were not listening. Make sure you switch roles.

​Remember to ask your unconscious for help, if needed.

There is another level, still- how tight is their forehead, their neck, their jawline, is their face changing color, is there a sheen on their forehead?

Notice these patterns and assume that any change means that something internally has shifted.

Can you shift when they shift?

​So many ways to subtly build rapport and connection

Want to go deeper still?

Pay attention to what they do with their lower lip (more blood flow makes the lip darker, puff out and down), watch all the things your partner does outside of consciousness, with their lower lip.

Study it.

Pay attention to the eyes- color, size of pupil, amount of tears, dryness, blink, where they look when you ask questions.

They eyes have a lot to tell you.

Pay attention and make sure both of you are working on the beginner level noticing before moving to intermediate skills of leading the partner. Some of these are easy to lead and others don’t fully lend themselves to that.

Make sure each of you is doing it.

​Women tend to do better on these than do men, unless the guy has a job where this is important.

I'm posting for tomorrow- visiting my son for his 21st birthday and will be busy and away from a computer for a few days.

Find yourself clicking and building rapport.

Move to affect and emotions- Paraphrase and clarify what they are saying to deepen rapport and connection, if wrong or off, break rapport and try again.

​Really give them the experience of being heard and understood and move towards validation, as well. You are almost an amazing listener, a wonderful communicator.

​How well do you know your partner now, as compared with the beginning of the exercises?

​Kinda cool how many different ways we can built rapport. See if you can find other ways with caressing, sensory play, paying attention to breathing during the more physical intimacy, matching breath during love making etc

We have patterns and automatic behavior.

Pay attention to their hands and gestures, in general. Can you do similar gestures and hand movements?

Imagine putting together everything so far and  mimicking them so closely that you literally start feeling the emotions that they are creating with their body. It will feel similar to being a psychic or empath.

​After you match them, see if you can unconsciously do the lead and follow whichever domain you choose. Do it at will.