“What do men do to connect once the woman chooses to give them a shot at connection?”

I’m working on a booklet called “Emotional Connection for Men,” because so many men have that confused look on their face when their woman partner tells them they just want emotional connection.

The best book I have read on the topic of emotionally connecting, is ‘The Relationship Cure.' It is a manual for emotional connection. “Hold Me Tight” by Susan Johnson is another classic on connecting.

Many men are not sure why their wives want to connect to them. They don’t get the rationale. We may not feel like it or may feel vulnerable (heaven forbid) in doing it, therefore avoid it. “You already know me,” he says. Or “Go ahead and ask me any question you want” (as if it is a mind/rational task rather than a process and devoid of emotion).

So, this is about connecting with your wife, right? Wrong. That is just the start.
 
How do you connect?
First, you connect with yourself. How do you feel in your body, with your emotions, right now as you read this. Feel the physical sensations, tune in to the feelings and where in your body they are. What colors do you see? Any images or sounds with the feelings? Breathe into it. This is a great way to connect with what is going on inside of you. This is connection to yourself. Do it with yourself and it is easier to do with others.

Second you connect with those around you. Family, friends, coworkers. If you have children, you connect with them, too. Tune in to their world. Attune to their thoughts, feelings, physical sensations. Get into their world and see it from their viewpoint and watch how quickly you connect. Be compassionate with what you see when you are this empathetic or you kill the connection, the passion.

​Also, how have you killed passion along the way? Think about that one and we’ll go over it next blog. Happy Thanksgiving!!

​Helping Men Connect

Someone asked me to write a blurb about helping men connect with women:

This is written with a heterosexual, romantic relationship focus, drawing heavily on Evolutionary Psychology. Thanks to Neil Strauss for his contribution to attraction research.

Men do not connect with women. Men offer themselves as available to connect and the woman chooses to connect with him, someone else or not at all. He is not in charge!

It is ultimately the woman, in the overwhelming majority of cases, that chooses. It is also possible that the man does not want connection and does not offer himself, so that even if the woman wants connection, she cannot get it.

This changes the conversation a little bit. The new question is “How do men attract women’s attention?” and/or “What do men do to connect once the woman chooses to give them a shot at connection?”

Women are looking for a man who has something interesting or exciting to say. A sense of humor and adventure, being open to new experiences goes a long way. She is asking herself, “Will he make me feel good?”
If you are boring, or signaling that you are boring, she does not want to connect with you, and quite frankly neither do you. Don’t blame her for not wanting to connect with you if you have nothing to offer her. And yes, men do the exact same thing.

She wants to know if you understand her, really “get” her , if there is chemistry and she knows you are loyal. As guys, we think this is only true until she is our date/partner. I maintain it is true even once you are married. She is more likely to reach out and want to connect if you really get her and there is chemistry. Makes sense.
Add to that a positive outlook on life, being enthusiastic and being able to energize your partner. Yep, these things draw people to us. Demonstrate value to her or you will not get her attention.

You further attract her when she feels proud of you and your ability to lead and protect her and the kids. She needs to feel comfortable with you and trust you and then she feels okay connecting with you on deeper levels.

This is the feeling of having the right chemistry and you move out of the friend zone.

Please let me know what you think so far.
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For next time, “What do men do to connect once the woman chooses to give them a shot at connection?”

​Fall is always a productive time for me.

I have had some free time on my hands due to my ankle injury and I love to learn. I have read a few books, “ Trauma Sensitive Yoga”, “Yoga Skills for Therapists” “Body Sense” (Embodied Self Awareness) “The Traumatized Self” and 3 books on Herbs

I’ve finished up some training videos: 11 Hour Johnson Gottman Summit on Relationships; EMDR Step by Step; and the Sexual Comfort Zone (for therapists to be a little bit more open, less surprised and less judgmental when they hear what is happening in the world of their clients); Reflexology; Head, Neck and Shoulder Massage; The Everyday Gourmet- The Lost Art of Cooking

I’ve been working on writing a few workbooks- The Affair Workbook-How not to have an affair; and Emotional Connection- Helping men who are interested in connecting emotionally and don’t know how to start

When I said I had some free time on my hands, perhaps I underestimated just how much free time I did have.

I find it fascinating how learning about one topic that seems unrelated to another topic always has patterns that are connected. The above topics sounded really disjointed, but when taken together with Game Theory and Mathematical Decision Making, they have related elements. Seeing the connections is really spiritual for me sometimes.

I hope my next few blogs can spark some good ideas, teach some skills and help challenge you to look for patterns.

Do any of the topics above spark your interest? What do you want to hear more about from the above selection?

​Where Did You Go?

Has this ever happened to you?

I’m in a conversation with someone and there is just too much going on around me to concentrate and fully focus. Then it happens, they say something that triggers me and I go to a past event in my life. I lose time and I am not present in the moment and I don’t even realize I have left. The other person recognizes it fairly quickly that I am not listening. I’m in my own little world, daydreaming or going through a memory.

“Don, he is just not present in the relationship. He keeps leaving. I mean his body is here, but he is somewhere else and it makes it nearly impossible to have a conversation.”

There are many possible reasons for this and many solutions to being more present, as well.

Let’s remember that no one is 100% emotionally available all the time. There are things that take us to the past or fast forward us. Staying in the present moment is challenging. Yoga helps with that, in that you are asked to pay attention to what is happening right now. Mindfulness and shamatha meditation also call us to attend to the now. Most people are astounded, when they attempt this simple meditation, how incredibly challenging it is.
Now imagine trying to do this and being triggered. I am attempting to stay present in the moment and I get a text from someone that a relative is headed to the hospital. I need to put one of those two things on hold for a few minutes. Do I put the conversation on hold and get back to the person who just texted? I cannot be present to both simultaneously.

Or I am in a situation of high stress and do not want to see a certain individual. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that person. Upon closer examination, it is not them, but it is too late. I have already gotten emotionally reactive.

Or I am a survivor of trauma and there is something happening right now that is reminding me of the trauma and it feels like the trauma is happening all over again.

One of the things that help bring us back to the present moment is our breath. Pay attention to your breath in those moments. Pay attention to body sensations to help you focus on the now. Notice your feet right now. As soon as your attention is on your feet, you have a chance to be present in the moment.

As you are present in the now, watch how much better communication becomes for you.