​Who is In Control of You?
 
EXERCISE: Ask yourself -Are you in control of your desires?
How do you manage your emotions and your preferences and over attachments?
Are you giving away your power?
How can you be in control?
 
“The inability to control one’s desires and to see the world objectively is a factor of one’s dependency upon forms as sources a pleasure. The best way to control desire is your discipline, restraint in control of the sexual urge while at the same time getting insight into the nature of sexuality and nature of your true identity.” Ashby
 
EX: Consider your sexual preferences, likes and dislikes. They are not static and unchangeable. They are in your control.
 
“A person should ask -why is it a mom or sister, father or son is not seen with sexual arousal even if they are attractive? Sexuality is a mental concept and it can be unlearned or sublimated according to your will.” Ashby
 
Have you practiced taming your mind so that you return to power over your body instead of giving power away?

​I have a body; I am not my body
 
Have you developed yourself to the point that you realize you are not your body, that you have a body? Or are you over identifying with your physical body?
 
It is similar to saying, “I am angry,” instead of “I am experiencing anger.”
 
Who is this “I” ?
 
Relationships are there to help us grow, to move beyond the selfish or self absorbed existence. To transcend our body and to see ourselves more fully, with raw vulnerability.
 
“If you remember that, in reality, you are not a body, you’ll be able to rise above the pettiness of your own ego -you can rise above the pettiness of the mistakes of your partner -you’ll be able to forgive all… Learn from your mistake and discover that you were seeking something which you cannot find in an ordinary relationship…if you do not expand your horizons and let go of your ego desires, you will suffer the endless miseries of human existence.” Ashby
 
Our ego confuses us and tricks us into thinking we will be happy if (fill in the blank) as if it is some external development or circumstance. We create happiness or misery with our thinking, with our behavior. Imagine not having the limitations you think you have. Imagine a world in which your happiness was dependent on your thoughts. This is yours for the asking.
 
“At a deeper level there’s no need to forgive because you’ll see everything as yourself -as connected -you will grow beyond the relationship itself and live on a higher plane” Ashby

​What is Your Vision?
 
Set a goal for the relationship and make sure it is realistic. What is the highest good of this relationship for the other person and the couple? Think about unity and uniting with the divine as part of the goal.
 
“Stop running endlessly on the treadmill and going absolutely nowhere-do not expend your energy in the pursuit of pleasure and fulfillment when there’s no chance of getting it where you’re looking …can you let go of your ego and look for the higher purpose of relationship? Can you discipline yourself to live according to your higher ideal instead of the ideal of your ego and of your culture? “ Ashby
 
EXERCISE: Sit with this concept of uniting with the divine. What does it mean to you?
 
“Uniting with the divine represents the innermost desire of the soul in every human being -we also want to unite with nature” Ashby
 
Exercise: Talk about your job and your day without complaining, without criticizing or focusing just on yourself. No one bonds with a Debbie Downer. They may listen and give feedback or validation a few times, but it gets old fast. If your job or day is a problem, take the initiative and do something about it. This shows what you are about. Fail to take initiative and you are seen as weak!  They want someone with ambition and initiative, not someone who will be a project for them (if they are healthy).

Failure to talk about your day often signals that you are not interested in her, that you do not want to connect. Figure out how to talk about your day in a way that makes her feel connected emotionally (hint, talk about emotions), that has interesting stories.

Our work seems to have patterns or themes. What are two stories from this week that you can tell her about work and how you responded?
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Did those stories convey the qualities to her that you want to convey?

​What is the Point of Relationships?
 
I have heard many people say they are not meant for relationships, that they are just too complicated and they don’t get why people go through the pain.
 
What if relationships are simply tools for growth? What if being happy is the side effect of helping another person grow and growth is the actual point?
 
Are you helping your partner discover their true nature?
 
Are you forgiving them for being human?
 
Are you letting them be who they are?
 
“This is the true purpose of maleness and femaleness- to help the soul discover its true nature, which is beyond gender, through interactions and relationships of gender. Working to help each other grow toward enlightenment. Don’t scrutinize each other’s actions and accuse them of being egoistic -don’t deny your own misgivings and limitations. Make sure that you are understanding the other person and yourself and make sure that you forgive. Understand that your partner is a struggling soul who is, in reality, striving for the same goal as you –enlightenment” Ashby
 
Exercise: Take an inventory of what you do that demonstrates a fundamental understanding of who you are and what relationships are about. Look at your own side and attempt to improve rather than asking your partner to improve.
 
Exercise: Want to be happy in a relationship? Keep appreciating yourself and your partner. Keep looking for beauty and opportunities to serve others. These are keys to happiness and they are in your control.

​ Can you let them walk away when they need the space?
 
Don’t force things, allow them to take their course. Stop fighting what is and use the energy of allowing and watch how your own equanimity is affected. Don't be overly attached to the results.
 
“If you fight back (with your partner) at the time when the person is irrational and caught up in ego energy, it is more difficult to restore harmony. If there’s understanding- for example silence, giving space to the other person and you allow the energy to flow, instead of pushing, accusing recriminating-During times of anger, the reconciliation process is easier.” Ashby
 
As Americans, we tend to force things and push through, instead of allowing them to be what they are. Sometimes no action is the best option.
 
“The deeper aspiration of every human being is to discover inner peace and contentment -this is why people engage in relationships, pursue careers etc.” Ashby
 
What are you doing today that helps you with inner peace and contentment? Are you focusing on the external or the internal conflicts?

​How are you getting detached from your ego?
 
What gets in the way of growth? What stops you from stepping up to the plate, from summoning the courage?
 
Do you let fear of what others think stop you?
Can you feel the feeling of fear, knowing it is a story in your head that you tell yourself, then continue on doing what you need to do?
Can you face your fear piece by piece and sit with the feelings until you realize that fear is not the enemy, avoiding the fear is the problem.
 
I prefer to be comfortable rather than uncomfortable. This is true for emotions and for my physical body. Does that mean I should not exercise or ever feel discomfort? Growth means I go through the discomfort for a higher goal, for what my purpose dictates.
 
Imagine I have a goal and I am so attached to the goal that if I do not reach it, I tell myself my life is over. It is the end of the world. That is what we call “attachment” or “grasping.” Goals are good when we approach them with a healthy outlook. I am okay even if my desire is not met. It is no big deal.
 
Now, imagine in your relationship, you want something and your partner wants something else. I want her to listen first and she wants me to listen first. That’s ego based if we have a fight over that. The ego is the deeper cause of all conflict in relationships. “I desire something rather than demand it,” is a healthier thought. There is the yin and the yang, the principle of opposites and complementarity. Let’s try to stop making everyone the same and appreciate the differences that exist.
 
Play with your desires and how this relates to your relationship. Allow yourself to want what you want, without getting bent out of shape if you don’t get it. Delay gratification and pay attention to your emotions.
 
One way to expand your comfort zone is by joining a group. Joining a group is hard. It requires some of the more complicated social skills. It is give and take and self discovery.
Are you adding to or draining from the fun?
Are you pulling/inviting everyone into the conversation?
Make a comment on what they are wearing or doing- pull them in. Be motivated by curiosity- get to know them. Do not open with a question- try a statement or observation. “It takes effort to appear effortless.”

​Tantra is About Personal Development and Transcending
 
Know what is sexy? Exploring and finding yourself, developing, growing, confidence with humility. Get out of your comfort zone, through exposure to things which are not comfortable. Discipline yourself to follow the path of growth. When you have self discipline, you can then develop real peace and calm. Do you want contentment and happiness? Follow the causes and conditions and do not give in to distractions.
 
For those of you who are shy or find that your social skills need some polishing-

Exercise: Talk to a stranger today in a non-threatening manner.
Stir their curiosity and capture their imagination- it is a springboard for more conversation while showing your personality. Practice with strangers and then watch how well it works with people you already know, like your partner.

How might you stir their curiosity?
 
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When you are talking to strangers today, put a smile on your face before you approach and don’t start with “Excuse me.”

​Laugh at yourself and while you speak, play with them and enjoy being with them.
Are you radiating positivity when you talk?
Are you upbeat, non-needy and empathetic?
Stretch yourself by challenging yourself realistically and keep challenging yourself every day. Revise the challenge until it is something that is hard but achievable.

​There is More, Please Do Not Give Up Too Early
 
Sometimes we don’t realize how much we know and think others know what we do.
 
Did you know that some people have sex just based on their animal instincts and don’t look for more?

Imagine their surprise when they have an experience that transcends. They relax into it, breathe deeply and stay present in the moment. They relax and are not pursuing orgasm, just building the pleasure. They feel into the other, instead of just their own experience and they look deeply into their partner’s eyes.
 
Some people simply stay on the surface and do not reflect on life or why they are here, where they came from or what they are to do here. They aren’t aligned with themselves or their purpose. They don’t know why they are doing what they are doing and it doesn’t even bother them. Keep looking, there is more to find and experience right in front of you. You need not leave this place to find the higher level answers. Don’t look outside yourself for that which can only be found within.
 
Be not distracted by your needs and your desires, when in pursuit of your purpose.

​Tantra Exposes You to a Different Way of Thinking
 
“The soul is degrading itself to the extent of associating with the limited form, the body. Associating with its ignorance, desires and frustrations. The ignorant soul is submitting to the whims and desires of not only another personality but nature itself. You can’t get satisfaction... (Ashby)
 
EXERCISE: “What would you advise someone who is digging for gold in a coal mine to do? Where do you look for the satisfaction of your desires? Can you face the truth about relationships?
 
“Do you sink deeper into despair, ignorance and debauchery in the form of mental dullness and negative emotions such as anger, hatred and greed?
 
EXERCISE: “Do you indulge in superficial sexual pleasures? (for example recreational sex, pornography, prostitution) and drugs as a means to compensate for the inability to provide for the higher needs of the soul? How do you provide for the higher needs of your soul? Many relationships are based on ulterior motives and animal desires” Ashby

​What Can You Do If You Have Some ED?

Acknowledge that all men have already had issues or will have issues in time

Talk about it beforehand with your partner and how you want her to respond (she is not to take your body’s behavior personally, not make a big deal and not put pressure to perform) if it happens

Acknowledge that it is not an issue, unless it persists

Anxiety about performing is perfectly normal

Remind yourself to focus on her, not yourself

Define sex more broadly-remember that you have kissing, touching, caressing etc available to you. Have a plan b if/when it happens

​Stop having sex be about ejaculation and more about connection

Hint: These are great reminders even if there is not Erectile Dysfunction!