I am always looking for trends and patterns and trying to wrap my head around them.

Here is the latest in differences in couples:
One person, usually the more masculine of the two, is quite happy with the time spent together and the other is not. There are a range of thresholds for this.

So what is the expectation of time together when you have a relationship. How much time is enough? How much time is too much? How much is not enough?

I have heard stories (not firsthand) of people who live near their spouse, but prefer not to live with them. That way, they get their down time, maybe their styles of keeping house are different and most importantly, they do not have to answer to one another for a million little things. From what I hear, the relationships are more intense, more enjoyable for the people. They get together with their partner when they choose.

I am intrigued by this and would love to hear your ideas of together time for couples, time for self and time as a whole family.

Let me know what you think.

What we have learned is that if we structure our arguments better, we actually invite one another into our world. You get to know me better and I get to know you better. We have arguments that seek to know the truth rather than arguments that seek to blame and punish and find fault. It is harder to hit below the belt if you know the rules of engagement. We are on the same page and are less likely to take things personally.

Identify precisely what is in dispute

1. Did the act occur?
2. What should the act be called? Are we using the word the same way? Do our definitions match?
3. Is the act justified by something we had not considered? Such and such is wrong, unless…
4. Is our discussion occurring in the proper forum? Is this the right time and place for this? Should we have this without the kids listening?

May all your arguments and disagreements be effective and end with resolution if possible. If not, may you have reconciliation.

General methods of challenging your opponent’s logic:

1.    Show that the arguer’s position leads to unacceptable implications. “If we follow your argument through to its logical conclusion, neither of us would be okay with what happens.”

 This is called reduction ad absurdum.

2.    Turning the tables shows how a position claimed by one party actually benefits the other.

“What you just said reinforces my point.”

3.    Dilemmas suggest that the opposing arguer must choose between unattractive alternatives.

“We don’t have a good choice here. Either we choose A or we choose B.”

4.    Argument from residues dictates the opponent’s position by eliminating all other possibilities.

“None of those possibilities is viable. That is why we have to decide it this way.”

5.    Suggest that what is true of the lesser is true of the greater or vice versa.

6.    “If it is true of this, it must also be true of that.”

This is called Argument a fortiori (argument of more or less)

7.    Contradictions and inconsistencies eliminate at least one of the other arguer’s positions. This also questions the other arguer’s general credibility. Show that they are not arguing effectively at this point and that means there are likely other ineffective parts of their argument.

I keep focusing on how to argue properly because in my daily life I witness people who would like to have better conversations, better dialogue and better arguments that actually resolve the issue, if possible. These ideas help greatly with improving communication.

  Use the following to guide you before you get into a conflict, once you get into a conflict and for help getting out of conflict.

1. Demonstrate that you can see the other person’s reality and you do not think they are stupid for their perspective.
2. You do not have to change who you are in order to be acceptable. Neither do they.
3. Remember that I do not always see reality clearly, please help me.
4. Is what I have to say helpful, nice, accurate and is this the right time for me to say it?
5. Explain your experience using an “I statement.” Try doing it with loving kindness. Otherwise, it feels like an attack and your partner will likely not hear you.
6. Let your partner know what you need from them in a way that they can accomplish it versus telling them what is wrong with their personality or what you do not want.
7. Trouble communicating? Try this: When you hear your partner speak, really listen. Make sure you understand what they are saying, clarify if you need to. Walk a mile in their shoes and then validate it. You often become allies when you understand what each other needs. Then and only then is it your turn to be the speaker.
8. When you feel your heart approaching 100 beats per minute, take a time out to cool down and think clearly. Let your partner know that you need a break and will come back and talk about it.
9. It is okay to feel anger and to tell your partner that you are angry. Just know that anger is the second emotion and that hurt, fear or vulnerability is likely the underlying emotion. Try expressing that one instead. It is much, much easier to hear and increases your odds of being heard.
10. When you feel defensive, say so and ask for a moment to get perspective and cool down.
11. Do you want to increase your odds of being listened to? Try talking more calmly, using I statements and without accusing your partner. Compassion, respect and being nice really help.
12. Ask yourself-How can we make this conversation better the next time we talk?
13. Tell your partner, “Honey, I need to talk for about five minutes. You do not need to fix anything, just listen and validate my feelings please.” When they know what to do and how to please you, they have a better chance of being successful.
14. When someone is pulling back because they feel attacked, it is best to let them pull back. If you go in after them, you frequently will frighten them away.

Statements to try:

1. "This would be a good time to validate that I have a right to a different opinion, even if you do not agree with that opinion. And that you still love me even when we have differences."
2. "I am not sure you fully get what I am saying. It could be that I am not explaining myself well. Could you please paraphrase/clarify what you hear me saying?"
3. "I am having a hard time hearing what you have to say right now. Could I ask you to lower your voice or check the tone and use an “I statement” and fully own your experience?"