Emotions Often Hijack Thinking
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“I really wished it could have worked.” Imagine someone saying this and the level of emotion. Now, do the same for the next one.

“You promised you would love me. You made a vow!” The assumptions themselves contribute to the pain. There are some definitions that need to be teased out, expectations that could be clarified, but first, empathy needs to be administered like First Aid. If you do not attend to the feelings/emotions, you will likely not proceed smoothly. The person feels wronged and hurt. It might not feel fair to them and you are asking them to move into the part of their brain that does logic? Can’t imagine what might go wrong there! (The sarcasm in the previous statement might hijack your logic.)

“I feel wronged, cheated and don’t want it to end like this and you want me to share the furniture, the dishes and the debt or assets?” 

Can you imagine the intensity of emotion? Can you imagine working through a challenging situation if this thought just went through your brain or you said it out loud? I think my heart rate would be high and that part of my brain that deals with feelings (the neocortex) might not be 100% functional. Maybe in an hour or so…

“I have to share my children and not see them every day because a decision you made!”

Talking about the children and fairness is a double whammy. Obviously, these thoughts you have will create strong feelings in you. The strong feelings will often push logic to the side and you can see why.

What is unresolved will come up during mediation. Guaranteed
 
Why Choose Mediation?
In mediation, we attempt to reduce and eliminate power plays, authority, win at all costs, greed, defeating your opponent that people see in litigated cases. Another benefit of mediation is the ability to see one’s impact on the other by doing the process together. The couple sees that they are not opponents or adversaries, just two people going through an incredibly difficult situation, trying to make the best of it (ideally).

Additionally, Mediators need to know how to “do feelings” without doing psychotherapy.

Don’t Impose Logic on Feelings

Feelings get in the way. It is not matter of fact. It hurts and we regress, we go back into past feelings and it kicks up stuff all the time. It takes us back to our childhood sometimes. Regression happens. Feelings are by definition, not rational or logical. Stop thinking that a decision based on feelings is logical. It is not. This might help you let go of making sense of it.

Just earlier today I was able to be an adult and when the feelings come up, I somehow lost those skills. Think about separation and loss and how you responded then and now. Forget about separating from your spouse- there are separations from friends, family, children, neighborhood etc. Your lifestyle, home, some values and roles are gone or forever altered. Now add the division of money and things and all that entails. “I am losing the world as I know it.

The unknown terrifies me. Yeah, other than that, everything is okay.”

 “Share with your sibling,” writes Howard Yahm in an article about regression. That concept always went over well, right? Now share with the person you are divorcing and deal with the emotions of it and do it quickly to get it over with.

You have to deal with the feelings if you want to be successful with the divorcing couple.

5 Common Retirement Mistakes People Make in Divorce Mediation

1. Unless you are a financial specialist, you want to get some help organizing your money, getting advice and a plan. It gets very complicated quickly, and while you are allowed to deviate, make sure it is done in a planful manner.
2. Walking away from too much money. Some people just want to “be done” and they are willing to walk away from money just to get it over with. Will you kick yourself for doing this when it comes time to retire?
3. Negotiating in poor faith. Make sure you keep it clean and your motivation/intention is good.
4. Hiding money…at some point, you will have to prove your numbers. Do not hide money or accounts. Remember that if this is discovered later on, it could have serious implications.
5. Not being able to retire. Remember, be creative in your settlements.

Your mediator will help you walk through some decisions, help you in getting good questions and refer you but ultimately, you make the decision.

10 things couples overlook in preparing for mediation

Primarily- you should prepare yourself before you see your mediator and again before you send your paperwork to be approved. Quick thoughts:

1. Yes, you can have a lawyer look at your paperwork before it gets sent to the judge. You are protected. Likewise, the mediator will even the playing field, so that no one bullies.
2. Yes, consult with a financial person to see what your menu of options might be. At some point in the process, you will need to prove that the numbers you are using are real and not fictional.
3. Mediation is not litigation. You can create something new and better than what the law says you need to do.
4. Emotions- You will second guess yourself and you will feel hurt, pretty much guaranteed. How will you choose to handle it when it happens? The ostrich approach, while popular, does not work. Many people contemplate suicide at this time. Be aware of that and build your support network now.
5. How do we tell the children?
6. When can I date?
7. You may be tempted to walk away from your children because it is so painful.
8. You may be tempted to walk away from the house, retirement etc because it is so painful to face.
9. Each state has its own laws, so looking at what happens in a different state may be entirely irrelevant.
10. When you litigate, you hand over a ton of power to the judge, who does not know your children or what is best for your situation. Mediation allows you to create something that fits you and works best for your family. You retain control.