Okay, let’s be honest with each other.
I want it all. I do.

At least part of me does. I know I can’t have it all. Doesn’t make a difference. I don’t want to settle or give up anything and it is a struggle.

Somewhere, someone told me I didn’t have to endure pain or tolerate distress or suffer. They were wrong. Even when I have no expectations, life is painful. My expectations move my pain into the realm of suffering. I cannot have it all and I must settle.

When I accept life on life’s terms like that, it is tough. I grieve a perceived loss. Nothing real can be lost, but it feels like I lost something. I am disillusioned and it hurts. Getting rid of our illusions helps us grow, though. I have the illusion that I do not have to settle. This is not correct thinking on my part, as much as I would like it to be.

Sorry to be the one to break it to you.

I wish the world were different, but I live in the real world and there are tradeoffs all the time.
 
Am I Entitled?
Yes, we all have this sense of entitlement unless we work on it religiously. We want stuff we do not earn, like love and affection, respect etc. “I want someone to love me unconditionally,” she said. Personally and professionally, I don’t think romantic love and unconditional love are the same thing. I guess it depends on your definition. If she is cheating and lying, she loses my love quickly. That is a condition. If she leaves for months at a time and I don’t trust what she is doing and she doesn’t reassure, that probably won’t work. If she doesn’t pull her weight with the kids or chores or money etc., there will come a time where I won’t want to be with her- again conditions. She wants my love and won’t earn it. She wants a good relationship and won’t put in the required work but thinks it should still come to her. That is entitlement.

Kids are entitled to your love- it is a different type of love.

Entitlement-We want to date the best person we can without being the best person we can be. That hurts to hear and then when we realize that we are not enough, not good enough and have to put in effort, it liberates us. I know many average looking people who want to date someone who is beautiful. They are not interested in dating because they are not attracted to average looking people.

Are you entitled to date the person you want? Do you have to earn the relationship first or are you owed it?
 
No matter how much effort, I will look roughly the same, but my personality may be more attractive. After the pain…

“She thinks she is too good for me. She thinks I am boring. Take responsibility,” I say to myself. To be perfectly honest, after a full week of work, between my lack of sleep, my emotional exhaustion and physical fatigue, I am probably not terribly exciting. Am I doing what it takes to be exciting? Not to trick her or fake it, but to really be exciting on-going. Am I enthusiastic and passionate about my life? If I am not, then how could I possibly expect her to be excited by me? Seriously.

So, I cut myself some slack while I take responsibility. Now, I can either do what is necessary or I can find a woman who doesn’t mind my style of boring. Someone who also has children and a full time job and doesn’t expect me to be her entertainment committee…  Thinking I can get and keep her without doing work or putting in effort is delusional and evidence of entitlement thinking.

There are tradeoffs, getting back to the premise of my article. The tradeoff of being a good father and provider is that I am tired by the end of the week. The tradeoff of being so productive is that I make less time for self-care.

Stop judging …it just is. Whether or not it should be that way or is fair is irrelevant right now. You cannot have it both ways. Each choice you make has a tradeoff. Why would it be different for dating?

She asked me if I thought she was being too picky about the men in her life. Let me lay it out for you: The guys she is dating want her to clean up after herself (financially as well as around the house), to cook some meals and to be interested in a sexual (romantic) relationship. There are a few other needs but those are the big three she notes. She gave a list of 45 things she needs in order to be happy in a relationship.

If you condition your happiness on someone else, that is a set up. If she ever finds this man, she will allow herself to be happy. Sounds messed up to me.

If she finds someone close, she will do what she can to get the rest of the 45 necessary factors. She will change him so that in her eyes, he is perfect. As if he is a project.

Or, she can be disillusioned and say that all men suck and stop dating and just give up on dating men. In my counseling practice, I have seen this pattern repeatedly.

One woman just asked me if I thought all men suck. “Not more than all women suck,” was my reply. Let’s stop the comparing and judging and blaming. There are tradeoffs that require no blame.

If you are looking for a doctor, and he is working 80 hours a week, the tradeoff becomes obvious. Change your expectations accordingly. If you are looking for someone who is really in touch with their emotions and you only look at engineers, on the football team, you might be limiting yourself a bit.

If you want to date someone more in touch with feelings, there are tradeoffs there, as well.

Your expectations are the problem, people are not.

You are expecting something from people that cannot happen or rarely happens and then you are disappointed in people rather than changing your expectation.

She told me I want a really handsome guy, with lots of money, a good dancer, can sing and is intelligent, dominant like an alpha male. Okay- go for it. Can you predict what the tradeoffs might be?

Gottman talks about selecting someone whose downsides you can live with. Everyone has downsides and some are deal breakers- don’t date them very long. Break the deal.

You are too picky if you expect someone who is perfect or who will make you feel happy. That is your job, your responsibility.

Getting someone who is compatible that can be a good friend and lover, has your back and will grow with you- that’s a fair bit more realistic.

Choosing not to date has tradeoffs as well.

Friends with benefits has tradeoffs.

​Everything has tradeoffs.

Listener (Job Description)

• Listen to what the Talker is saying. Pretend you are a tape recorder. Ideally they are talking about a vulnerable feeling and you are making it safe for them to connect with you.
• Listen without judgment, rebuttal or any other editorial comment.
• Contain your emotions, this is not about you right now, it is about the Talker.
• If the Talker is being destructive or if you simply cannot listen, ask for a short time out. The person calling the time out assumes responsibility for re-engaging the conversation within 24 hours.
• Paraphrase what you heard them say, being as objective as possible. Do not put your spin on what they are saying- you are only trying to understand their perspective.
• Ask them, “Is that accurate or close? Do you think I got it?”
• If you have really understood them, and they agree- Ask them, “Is there more?”
• If there is more, keep listening.
• If they are saying something that is hard to hear, or they are really loud or if the manner in which they are saying it is objectionable (they are being mean/overly critical) you have the right to ask for a time out or to ask for what you need. For example, “It is really hard for me to hear you when your voice is that loud. Could you please lower your voice?” or “I struggle listening to you when I feel attacked or when I think you are mad at me. Can you get your point across differently?”
• Attempt to validate them after you have clarified. That means allowing them to have a different opinion (point of view or perspective ) than you have, acknowledging their perspective has merit and that you can see where they are coming from. This defuses many, many disagreements.

Anne Fishel, PhD  presented at the Harvard Conference Treating Couples

She asks her couples three questions and I would encourage you to think about these as well:
Tell me about the last time you felt really beloved, cherished and connected- What would it take to get that back?
What is it like being married to you?
How is work shared?

These three questions are designed to make you think a little bit more deeply about your relationship, focusing on areas that are common hurdles.

Encourage your partner to answer these questions as well.

Helen Fisher talked about biology and personality. “Biology is 40-60% of who we are,” she reminded the audience. When you look at the pairing needs of each person, look to their biology. She didn’t remind us that we are animals at heart, well not directly.

One of her books talks about how we match up and who we choose.

We choose based on: Timing and proximity- to a great extent. Similarities are usually highly important for who we fit best- looks, ethnic, values, socioeconomic level, intelligence, meta emotional match- we like people who are like us, whether we are buying things or are selecting a mate. Whenever there is a mismatch, it is one more thing we need to negotiate. Keeps it from being too scary.

We want enough similarity to be comfortable and secure and enough difference to keep it interesting.

Think about the friends you have had the longest and the ones who are most interesting to you. Are they always the same ones?

It's about selection and finding the right one. There are many right ones argue most people who value science and evidence.

Where do you look and how do you select?
Helen Fisher, a Cultural Anthropologist has a lot to say about this. 

See the website and her YouTube (Why we love, why we cheat) for a more exhaustive discussion:

1 Negotiator- Estrogen and oxytocin, attracted to builder, oxytocin-and vasopressin equal attachment that is secure and so you tolerate and stick with them long enough to raise kid

2 Builder- Serotonin, attracted to builder, loyal, formal- norepinephrine and lower levels of serotonine means romantic attraction can happen- triggers falling in love

3 Director Dopamine-attracted to negotiator, no emotion

4 Explorer- Testosterone- attracted to other explorers, curious, novelty- testosterone is good for sex drive- novelty and romance increase dopamine

(Know what you want. Each pairing has specific needs- how do you want to be treated)

​Let me know what you think.