​Chaung- tzu 
"True empathy requires listening with the whole being. The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind.
 
Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.” 
 
"It  demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you." Martin Buber 
 
Simone Weil "The capacity to give attention to one who suffers is a very weird and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle. Nearly all those who think they have the capacity do not possess it. "
 
"Instead of offering empathy, we tend to instead give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand requires us to focus for attention on the other person's message." P 92

​To continue with Marshal Rosenberg’s NonViolent Communication: Our requests are received as a demand when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. 
 
When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission and rebellion. 
 
If seen as coercive, then the listener's capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished. 
 
To tell if it's a demand or request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with -it is a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
 
The more we interpret non-compliance as rejection, the more likely a request will be heard as a demand. 
 
This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us. 
 
"Would you be willing to set the table? " rather than " I would like you to set the table."
 
However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a general request is to empathize with people when they don't agree to the request. 
 
We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when they do not comply. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we do not engage in persuasion until after we have empathized with what is preventing the other person from saying yes.

Asking for reflection or clarification page 74  
NonViolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg PhD

Gottman talks about the need for clarification and how important it is to reducing conflict. Rosenberg gives the words that might really facilitate this process.

"I am grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I did not make myself as clear as I would've liked, so let me try again. "

When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations -they're worried about reactions like "What , do you think I am Deaf?" Or "Quit playing your psychological games. "

We can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words. 
 
We have the option to focus on the listeners feelings and needs and ask them either out loud or silently to ourselves "Are you saying you're feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things? "
 
After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know what the listener is feeling ; what the listener is thinking or whether the Listener would be willing to take a particular action.

"I would like you to tell me what you think about what I just said."

 "I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do. "
 
NVC requires that we be conscious of the specific form of honesty we would like to receive, and to make that request for honesty in concrete language.

It has been awhile since I have mentioned Marshal Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication.

mThe first three components of non-violent communication are observing, feeling , and needing. We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others, and in a way likely to inspire compassion. The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us.
 
We ask for actions that might fulfill our needs. How do we express our requests so that others are more willing to respond compassionately to our needs?
 
They might have received a more cooperative response if they had expressed what they did, rather than what they did not, want.

Gottman refers to this process as expressing the need instead of the complaint. What we have found is that people can hear the request when it is to ask for a need. When it is expressed as a complaint, many people tune it out or get defensive, which stifles the communication. Consider taking the complaint that you have and expressing the need instead. Watch to see if you get a different result.

This weekend is the final part of my (40 hour) Basic Divorce Mediation training. I have been doing couples counseling for many years and dealing with conflict for 30 years as a counselor. I have taken a 25 hour training, a 24 hour training, an all day training, several (monthly )1 hour specific trainings, a 9 hour podcast training and read 45 mediation books and countless articles on LinkedIn etc. Mediators get a ton of training to be good and then engage in self directed learning to move from being a paperwork technician- getting the right forms, to an art form and getting not only a great agreement written, but making certain the couple has an agreement where there is buy in and durability. I can't wait to get started!