Dear Couples Counselor,

So I realize I am getting out of work early. My wife and I have not connected in awhile. We kinda did yesterday for a bit, so we are on the right track, mostly. I would like to connect with her tonight as it is our normal night for one another. It is our unwritten rule that we hang together and if we get intimate, this is one of our best opportunities and here I am early out of work.

I am looking forward to seeing her, so I let her know that I am on my way. She replies favorably and I get my hopes up. Is this a mistake or is this just trying to let the past be in the past? Is this me being naïve or in denial or is it me cutting slack?

So she knows I am coming home but she is in the middle of a project (late night project) and says she will finish soon, but I can talk with her while she is working on her project. I try talking with her and find that she is just too preoccupied with that and answering texts. I go and do the dishes she made, to lighten the load, do my part etc. Rather than say, “thanks,” she becomes defensive and says, “you don’t have to do that, you know.”

I realize that while she invited me to talk to her and connect while she is doing the project, that is simply not realistic right now. No matter, I go and busy myself. She gets done with her project and gets on the computer to do some work (paid) stuff.

Now, 90 minutes after I came home, she is ready to be done with her stuff. Mind you, it is late night. I am in the shower, still hoping to get lucky, but a bit sweaty. I am trying to make the situation as good as possible.

She falls asleep while I am rubbing her back.

So, I feel like she is selfish, putting her needs and her interests in front of the relationship. Then she falls asleep after postponing physical intimacy yet again. But wait, she wakes up and wants to be intimate. I attempt not feeling insulted and ignored. I pleasure her and she tells me she might not be able to reciprocate in the same way. After what appears to be a good bit of pleasure just on her part, she says she is spent for the night and cannot pleasure me at all.

I try to release expectations. I try to not be resentful.

Perhaps we will connect in the morning.

The next morning she extends her walk by 30 minutes, then comes home and waters the plants. This is often time that we connect. Then she says she is going to jump in the shower. She is making sure she gets everything done while I am there so she can spend as much time with the kids as possible.

I look at things differently. I am doing my best to get those things done so she and I can spend time together.

So she is a wonderful person, no doubt. I think she is awfully insensitive as a wife. I have repeatedly brought these issues to her, she works on them with her counselor. She likes how I bring them up to her, respectfully. I am just about done with trying.

Is this a relationship worth saving?

Dear reader- please let me know your thoughts. I am sometimes overly optimistic about saving a relationship and what is worth saving. What do you think about this? Can you see yourself in this?

  "My wife makes me angry!"

Dear reader: I am risking you having a strong reaction to this, so please cut me some slack as I walk through the logic. Try to not take it too personally. If emotions come up, go ahead and deal with them, let them evaporate and come back to the words here.

Let’s look at what he is really saying. “She is responsible for my feelings. I have no control over how I feel. She did something and the only option I have is to feel angry,” therefore, “she made me angry.”

Obviously, this is a logic trap and yet so many of us fall into it.

I can only be happy if my wife ____ (fill in the blank).

I choose to be happy only if my wife ____

Unless my wife does ____ I refuse to be happy

It is impossible for me to be happy if my wife _______

Why would I consciously create such a dilemma in my brain? I choose to be happy only if she _____ (fill in the blank).

Also, isn’t that a bit controlling? If she doesn’t ____(fill in blank) then she is responsible for my feelings.

That feels more like a guilt trip. Also, look at what is in your blank.

On a deeper level, I am saying “Unless she does what I want her to do, I will punish her by being angry or at least withholding my happiness from her.”

We all do this, right?

Can we stop and take responsibility for our behavior with this?

I am responsible for how I feel.

The events that happen influence me, ultimately I am responsible for how I respond. That makes sense.

I am not some helpless victim. I do not have only one response to no matter what happens. I have choices, options.

Again, “I refuse to allow myself to be happy if my wife does not do what I would like her to do.” We can justify this all day and yet, it rings false.

We create our own misery, happiness and sadness. Do not limit what you allow to make you happy!

With Peace,

Don

I keep getting comments that go along this line-
Why does my husband/wife not have time for me? Why did we even get married, if he has to "fit me in?"

My quick reply is this and it may not be popular- If you have to "fit in" your spouse, your priorities are suspect. Whatever you think is important, you may need to revisit. If all your spouse is getting is leftovers, you may soon be an ex-spouse. If that happens, your priorities change rather quickly and sometimes not in your control. Obviously, I am oversimplifying to make a point.

Clarify what your values are and then live according to those values. If family is important to you, and you know the single most important thing in keeping the family together is your marriage, it stands to reason that you would work on your marriage proactively, before there were problems.

Instead, our ego gets in the way. "I am too important (busy) to do that," he thinks to himself. Then he rationalizes that it is more important to work that many hours than it is to spend quality time with his wife. When his wife starts cheating on him, or starts the divorce proceedings, he realizes that his logic stopped at a certain point.
Good luck working that many hours AND doing all the single parenting required when divorcing, oh yeah and the distractions that go along with divorce. Realistically, it is easier to stay married, spend time with your partner and reap the rewards of a good marriage. The price? Spend time with your spouse.

Look at your ego. When you are too busy, you are saying how important you are. When you are too busy for your spouse, the message is clear, "I am important and you are not." Try being on the receiving end of that message from your spouse and see how you respond.

I cannot seem to reply despite my best efforts. I will continue figuring this out. Thank you for your patience!

Dear Couples Counselor:
(reminder- this is a composite- not an actual case but several stories rolled into one- to protect confidentiality)

My wife basically promised me sex for a set amount of days as a gift. I did not take her literally. I understood that she wanted to be more sexual because I like it a lot. It is frustrating, though, to have her promise sex and an hour later be asleep on the couch, snoring.

I am not a heel, I do a ton of work around the house, am very involved with the kids, rub her back and feet and treat her well. Oh, yeah, I work outside the home and make a good living, too. I am attentive to  her and still she is not interested. She’s not even interested in talking about it to make it work better.

We have talked about not promising because I take her at her word. Instead, if she could say, “Hey honey, I’m feeling amorous. Maybe tonight if we both have energy…” it would go over really well. She says that is too tentative and her intent is to be amorous. But then she does not follow through, repeatedly.

I don’t trust her and I end up dismissing her words, as a result. It would be much better if she would stop promising.

While my problem is not that I take it personally, it is really frustrating. When someone says something to me, I take them at their word. I do not then expect her to fill her promise, that would be ugly, I simply don’t want her to promise something she is unable to deliver. Am I being unreasonable?

I know you have told me to stop wishing for the world to be different than it is, that that wish is causing me suffering. Well what about her behavior? Why does she have the right to keep doing this and I just have to take it?

Counselor note: This is fairly common. I am compiling answers to this and previous scenarios. Would love to hear from you, the reader.

Further note: Thanks for reading this. I have gotten quite a bit of feedback that people read this, like it and feel a little funny about commenting on the actual blog. Your comments help me to not have an extended monologue in cyberspace, though.

Thank you,
Don