From the Untethered Soul by Singer

I love this book and hate this book. It really challenges me at my core. It is hard to do what it suggests and it is worthwhile at the same time. I see this next part as really liberating for those who accept the challenge:

The author writes that when we have parts of ourselves that we ourselves find unacceptable, we are not willing to see them. That is like living in Rochester and saying that it is not going to snow this year or that it is not snowing right now outside my window. Denying it does not make it go away, it simply puts us at a disadvantage when dealing with the reality of our situation. I cannot control whether or not it snows, I can adjust myself to the reality that it is snowing.

Accept that those parts of you that you do not like, they are still part of you. Feel the pain of being less than perfect, having flaws, making mistakes and then continue living life. Do not avoid things that remind you that you are not perfect. “If you continue to protect yourself you will never be free.”

Put your whole being into whatever is happening- not into your personal sensitivity. Have fun experiencing whatever happens next.

“Watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. Get rid of that part- if you don't want it, don't protect it anymore. The more you protect it the longer it stays!”

Allow yourself to feel disturbed. Allow every feeling to exist (as if you can control that anyway). Remind yourself that you are not your feelings, you are the observer of your feelings. You are the consciousness that observes.

What is a good husband?

Imagine if you will, a man tells you that he is confused. He continues, saying that he is a good father to his children, a high priority in his life. He communicates really well. He is a good provider in a job that he finds meaningful and does his share around the house, house projects, cooking and cleaning. He has several good close friends and would do anything for them. He goes to church each week, has high moral standards, gives to charity, keeps up on the news, watches a couple hours of sports on TV each week and is an overall nice person. He is intelligent enough and not clueless emotionally.

Sounds like a pretty good guy, doesn’t he? So what is the problem here?

The problem is that he is being told that he is not a good husband. Not being married to him, I have no way of objectively knowing if he is or is not a good husband. He tells me he knows from his wife that he is not a good husband, but cannot answer, “What is a good husband?”

We attempt to tackle the question and answer it objectively and we both realize that there is not a single answer to that question. The answer for the same wife likely will change as they both grow and develop. He has a different answer to that question than she does.

He returns with more answers from her and he is visibly upset. He tells me that there is no man on the planet who is a good husband, given her perspective. As soon as the criteria are met, the bar is raised, the expectations hiked up. At this point he is demoralized, way beyond discouraged. There were so many unwritten expectations that he felt set up by her. That is when it hit him. It is subjective and he himself had many unwritten expectations of himself and her, as well. By the way, we could just as easily have asked the question and substituted "wife" for husband.

Sometimes it can be helpful to review out loud or in writing what you expect. Are your expectations a bit much for any mortal? Are they consistent, attainable, measurable etc? You can set yourself up with your expectations so that everyone you encounter will disappoint you. Watch how and when your expectations shift, as well. Some perfectionists, rather than enjoy their accomplishments, ratchet up the pressure as if to prove that they are not acceptable.

Think about your criticism of your spouse/partner. Is your criticism reality based? Is it truly attainable and can any human maintain it? Do you change expectations when they meet the challenge?

No one, no one enjoys being criticized. Some are more sensitive than others. It is rare that criticism helps the situation, especially if the one being criticized has not asked for it directly.

3-6-14

Quick confession. As a couples counselor, a married person and a man, I find that to be a huge copout!

There, I said it.

Look, if you got past the first date, chances are near 100% that you know how to connect. So let’s deconstruct what you just said-

Are you really saying that you have given up and do not want to connect? You are done? You are just not that into your partner? Are you saying you are too lazy to try? Are you saying you do not want to do any more work than you have to because you are either depressed or overwhelmed?

Keeping it simple, let’s pretend your relationship ended and you have to go back out there on the market again. What would you do? Do those things with your current partner and watch how well you connect. Yes, you would spend time getting to know one another. You would be eager to spend time together and curious about them. You would want to put on your best face, be entertaining and fun. You would go outside your comfort zone in order to make them happy.

Men would focus on, and highlight, their masculinity, humor and intelligence, earning power and ability to advance. Women would focus on, oh, who am I kidding, I don’t speak for women… What would women focus on to attract the guy they want?

Think about it another way- I cannot connect to the Internet. My wi-fi connection is not good. What should I do? You know the basics, right? You would get up and fix it if you could-plug and unplug your router, call the help desk, try something. In some cases, you might need to get a new router or change your Internet provider.




Yes, I am saying that some people are more responsive to their Internet connect than to their spouses!

It had to be said.




Shoot me some ideas of what women focus on to attract the guy they want so I can spread the word.

Check Out This Free Personality Test

www.Enneagraminstitute.com

Click on the "sample test" for 36 questions. Yes they are forced choice questions. You have to choose even though they are not always absolute or clear cut. It took me about 15 minutes to do it and you get back your results right away.

Why would you want to do that?

You learn quite a bit about your personality and what makes you tick. That is one of the goals of counseling and here is a free test helping you do it. It also points out some fears that you can face to help you grow and develop. A bonus feature, for payment to their website, is that you can see how compatible your personality is with your partner’s personality. Or go to another website and search “Enneagram” and “Compatibility.”

I find that people enjoy getting to know themselves at deeper levels and understanding why they do what they do.

If you are wondering how or why you are “stuck,” this might help even more. It helps with career changes as well.

I cannot think of a downside of knowing yourself even better.

Pay attention to your motivation.

Why did you just do what you did?

How often do we do things just to impress someone? How about to prove ourselves?

My challenge for you is this: Impress no one.

Be yourself, your full self and then you will impress others naturally and you won’t really care that they are impressed.
It will be irrelevant to you.
Impress no one with your clothes, your appearance, your possessions, your words or thoughts.

Relate to them honestly without needing to impress them.

Now, I challenge you to do this on Facebook, as well.

All the best,
Don

  Most humans want more connection and deeper connection. How do we block this natural process?

Pay attention to yourself as you are reading this blog. Do you want to connect? What stops you?

Lack of disclosure erects a wall between the partners. This is a very common block. How can I get to know someone who has a wall up? It feels very lonely to be on the other side of a great big wall. Loneliness and social isolation are epidemic in our society.

Disclosure can be a quick answer to “How was your day?” or it can be a heart to heart talk.

So why do people block? Often the wall is set up to protect a secret rather than to protect the couple.

The wall should be around the partners. Let’s keep the outside world outside. Let’s protect one another.

The wall creates emotional distance which does not make the secret keeper feel better. The wall or defense is meant to make me feel better and I end up more lonely instead. Blocking connection makes me feel worse.

Your challenge this week is, to quote AT&T, "reach out and touch someone." Pay attention to how people respond to you when you attempt to connect.

Have a wonderful week!

We have all heard of an affair. We have all had a friend who wasn't quite "loyal."

Within a marriage, it is debateable what is "loyalty."
I see it as someone is looking out for my needs versus their own needs. Is my spouse's need more important than my need? Well, yes, sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. If her needs are always more important or very often more important, than we do not have a "we." This can get sticky with entitlement thinking. I am entitled to my spouse's ___________. That doesn't work well. Instead, we express our needs and preferences. The spouse takes those into consideration and prioritizes. If my preferences always lose, then we have some conversations.

Many of my clients say they do not feel like a priority to their spouse. The job is first or the kids come before the spouse. Rounding out the top items are Bowling and Golf, and the in-laws.

How else does someone show that they are not loyal?
Being unfair, lying, cheating, being cold and simply looking out for themselves. Remember, we are partners.

Someone accused me of being unromantic (not my wife) about this. "Don, why would anyone ever get married if it is this tough and this fraught with turmoil?"

Here are several benefits of a "good enough" marriage:
Mutual trust allows for greater partnership
Deeper love allows friendship to blossom and intimacy as well.
Reduces stress
Companionship
Someone with whom to share the duties
Someone who listens

There are more. Anyone want to list a few?

If not, chances are you had difficulty with either sending or receiving expectations.

TRY THIS:

“I would like to spend some time just you and I tonight, without the kids. I would like to cuddle/spoon on the couch and watch Big Bang Theory and then maybe turn off the TV and just cuddle. How about you?” You clearly know if you have done the above. You have taken the initiative of knowing your needs, communicating them directly and not demanding that they get met. You are open to your partner’s influence and negotiating a different outcome if that is preferable.

“I would really like to connect with you” is not a clear expectation. We cannot easily measure whether “connection” happened or not. “Let’s spend some time together.” One partner often thinks they meet the other’s need and did not. Let’s try again.

Frustrated needs are the usual cause for a fight/disagreement and hurt feelings.

Here are commonly stated needs

I would like:

1. To Emotionally Connect (This is not nearly specific enough. I have spent countless hours with guys helping them understand how to meet this need for their spouse. Please be specific.)
2. Alone time (How much space and time is enough? “If you won’t leave me alone, I will find someone who will” is the refrain of a country song, I am told.)
3. To cuddle (How long? All night, an hour, five minutes? Where? Which type of cuddle? Cuddle, leading to intimacy or not?)
4. To be physically intimate (Not specific enough for some people. You have the right to ask for what you want. Please be specific.)

To watch TV with you, sitting on the couch, without reading your FaceBook during the show (Yes, that darn smartphone takes attention away from your partner. Being physically present in the same building is not the same thing as “connecting.” The time does not even count as together time for most couples.)

PS Don't wait for next Valentine's Day to try this

Whatever you do, do not be romantic.

Do things that show her that you love her, that you have thought of her, have considered what she likes and does not like.

Do things that demonstrate you "get" her and are willing to follow her love language.

Listen to her.

Tell her or write to her what you appreciate about her, what you would miss if she were not in your life.

Be nice to her.

Consider doing a favor for her.

Consider finishing that project you started. Help around the house without being asked. Get a babysitter for your next date.

Let her influence you on something you both deem important.

Buy her a nice outfit and take her out, showing her off, being proud that she is with you.

Kiss her and rub her back without expecting further intimacy (no strings attached).

But please do not be romantic!

As always, thank you for your comments. I appreciate your insights and welcome them.

Gottman's latest book What Makes Love Last? talks about trust and betrayal, affairs etc. I love his research and how accessible it is. Here I cite his work on the impact of loving/trusting relationships on health.

Here are some ideas "the husband's odds of dying over those twenty years (since our last research project) were eleven times higher than men in mutually cooperative relationships. They were also seven times higher compared to couples with a mixed style (meaning one partner displayed a cooperative style and the other was zero sum- treated each other like adversaries). These results are consistent with a number of studies that find men who believe their wives love them are likely to have significantly lower severity of ulcers and lower rates of coronary artery blockages and angina." (p. 228)

"When the wife's trust metric was high (even if the husband's was not) both partners had lower baseline blood velocities...wife's sense of security tends to influence the relationship dynamics more than does her husband's. When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, the relationship reaps enormous benefits and so does their health....a happy relationship is good for your health. a low-trust one can be deadly...a wretched relationship is devastating to one's health, but statistics show that unremitting loneliness is even deadlier. life long isolation shortens life expectancy more than a bad marriage." pp 230-231

He continues with five detectable criteria for separating the trustworthy on pp 235-236. While it feels like common sense, it is nice to see it proven by statistics as well.

He suggests trusting others when you meet someone, but not be gullible. "If there is reason for skepticism, become wary."

All the best,
Don