Yes, this will help you in business.

Turn your attention toward a certain part of your body. Do it repeatedly and the insula, right behind the frontal lobes, becomes more sensitive to that area. You “tune in” by tuning in. Makes sense…

As someone who teaches relationship building and improving communication to managers, this information is vital. Consider the manager who is not quite self-aware at this stage of the game. He can learn to pay more attention to his own emotions, his inner workings and not only help himself, but help everyone with whom he interacts. The more he tunes in to his body, ie his heart rate, his gut, his feelings, the more sensitized he becomes. It becomes a great source of information for him. The more sensitive the insula is to your own inner workings, the easier it is to understand the inner workings of others- a key managerial skill or deficit.

Dan Goleman calls it the “inner voice” in his book The Triple Focus. (What is the triple focus?- Understanding self, other, and the larger systems within which we operate)  

I have worked with people for years to “trust their gut.” There is something beyond logic and rationale that often tips the scales in favor of a certain decision. We may have no idea why we should follow it, but when we do, we get it right. When we go against our gut, the results are often poor. Thank your insula for that.

Practice: How are you feeling right now? How do you imagine the other person is feeling right now?

If you practice, get feedback on and communicate about this process, you get better at reading not only yourself but others. Read others better and your chances of being better in the world of business improve.

Business is a series of relationships, if you want to be better at business, get better at relationships. Try on what the other person might be feeling and build your ventromedial prefrontal area. According to Damasio, it is what guides our most complex decision making.

As with any habit, the more you repeat it (correctly), the stronger and better it gets.

From the Untethered Soul by Singer

I love this book and hate this book. It really challenges me at my core. It is hard to do what it suggests and it is worthwhile at the same time. I see this next part as really liberating for those who accept the challenge:

The author writes that when we have parts of ourselves that we ourselves find unacceptable, we are not willing to see them. That is like living in Rochester and saying that it is not going to snow this year or that it is not snowing right now outside my window. Denying it does not make it go away, it simply puts us at a disadvantage when dealing with the reality of our situation. I cannot control whether or not it snows, I can adjust myself to the reality that it is snowing.

Accept that those parts of you that you do not like, they are still part of you. Feel the pain of being less than perfect, having flaws, making mistakes and then continue living life. Do not avoid things that remind you that you are not perfect. “If you continue to protect yourself you will never be free.”

Put your whole being into whatever is happening- not into your personal sensitivity. Have fun experiencing whatever happens next.

“Watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. Get rid of that part- if you don't want it, don't protect it anymore. The more you protect it the longer it stays!”

Allow yourself to feel disturbed. Allow every feeling to exist (as if you can control that anyway). Remind yourself that you are not your feelings, you are the observer of your feelings. You are the consciousness that observes.

What is a good husband?

Imagine if you will, a man tells you that he is confused. He continues, saying that he is a good father to his children, a high priority in his life. He communicates really well. He is a good provider in a job that he finds meaningful and does his share around the house, house projects, cooking and cleaning. He has several good close friends and would do anything for them. He goes to church each week, has high moral standards, gives to charity, keeps up on the news, watches a couple hours of sports on TV each week and is an overall nice person. He is intelligent enough and not clueless emotionally.

Sounds like a pretty good guy, doesn’t he? So what is the problem here?

The problem is that he is being told that he is not a good husband. Not being married to him, I have no way of objectively knowing if he is or is not a good husband. He tells me he knows from his wife that he is not a good husband, but cannot answer, “What is a good husband?”

We attempt to tackle the question and answer it objectively and we both realize that there is not a single answer to that question. The answer for the same wife likely will change as they both grow and develop. He has a different answer to that question than she does.

He returns with more answers from her and he is visibly upset. He tells me that there is no man on the planet who is a good husband, given her perspective. As soon as the criteria are met, the bar is raised, the expectations hiked up. At this point he is demoralized, way beyond discouraged. There were so many unwritten expectations that he felt set up by her. That is when it hit him. It is subjective and he himself had many unwritten expectations of himself and her, as well. By the way, we could just as easily have asked the question and substituted "wife" for husband.

Sometimes it can be helpful to review out loud or in writing what you expect. Are your expectations a bit much for any mortal? Are they consistent, attainable, measurable etc? You can set yourself up with your expectations so that everyone you encounter will disappoint you. Watch how and when your expectations shift, as well. Some perfectionists, rather than enjoy their accomplishments, ratchet up the pressure as if to prove that they are not acceptable.

Think about your criticism of your spouse/partner. Is your criticism reality based? Is it truly attainable and can any human maintain it? Do you change expectations when they meet the challenge?

No one, no one enjoys being criticized. Some are more sensitive than others. It is rare that criticism helps the situation, especially if the one being criticized has not asked for it directly.

Daniel Goleman writes about Emotional Intelligence at Work

Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions and relationships wisely. It applies to work as well as to romantic relationships. In the future, I will be adding more of these that neatly address both areas of our lives.

You have met the person who is brilliant and cannot handle life. They might have been a great CEO, if only.

Goleman reminds us that we do need intelligence and that while it is necessary, it is not sufficient for success. We need more.

He talks about threshold abilities- what you need to get and keep the job. How you do relationships and your feelings matters more to identifying a star at work.

To paraphrase: The 5 components of EQ, are: 1) self-awareness 2) controlled anxiety 3) persistence (discipline and drive) & optimism 4) empathy and 5) smooth interactions with others (communication, collaboration and teamwork).

Lucky for us, these abilities can be learned and polished.

Here, in this blog, we will have a conversation about these skills and abilities and how to build them so that your relationships are more rewarding. As a counselor, who builds relationships and improves communication, I love teaching people how to do this even better at work.

Let me know what you think,

Don

  Use the following to guide you before you get into a conflict, once you get into a conflict and for help getting out of conflict.

1. Demonstrate that you can see the other person’s reality and you do not think they are stupid for their perspective.
2. You do not have to change who you are in order to be acceptable. Neither do they.
3. Remember that I do not always see reality clearly, please help me.
4. Is what I have to say helpful, nice, accurate and is this the right time for me to say it?
5. Explain your experience using an “I statement.” Try doing it with loving kindness. Otherwise, it feels like an attack and your partner will likely not hear you.
6. Let your partner know what you need from them in a way that they can accomplish it versus telling them what is wrong with their personality or what you do not want.
7. Trouble communicating? Try this: When you hear your partner speak, really listen. Make sure you understand what they are saying, clarify if you need to. Walk a mile in their shoes and then validate it. You often become allies when you understand what each other needs. Then and only then is it your turn to be the speaker.
8. When you feel your heart approaching 100 beats per minute, take a time out to cool down and think clearly. Let your partner know that you need a break and will come back and talk about it.
9. It is okay to feel anger and to tell your partner that you are angry. Just know that anger is the second emotion and that hurt, fear or vulnerability is likely the underlying emotion. Try expressing that one instead. It is much, much easier to hear and increases your odds of being heard.
10. When you feel defensive, say so and ask for a moment to get perspective and cool down.
11. Do you want to increase your odds of being listened to? Try talking more calmly, using I statements and without accusing your partner. Compassion, respect and being nice really help.
12. Ask yourself-How can we make this conversation better the next time we talk?
13. Tell your partner, “Honey, I need to talk for about five minutes. You do not need to fix anything, just listen and validate my feelings please.” When they know what to do and how to please you, they have a better chance of being successful.
14. When someone is pulling back because they feel attacked, it is best to let them pull back. If you go in after them, you frequently will frighten them away.

Statements to try:

1. "This would be a good time to validate that I have a right to a different opinion, even if you do not agree with that opinion. And that you still love me even when we have differences."
2. "I am not sure you fully get what I am saying. It could be that I am not explaining myself well. Could you please paraphrase/clarify what you hear me saying?"
3. "I am having a hard time hearing what you have to say right now. Could I ask you to lower your voice or check the tone and use an “I statement” and fully own your experience?"

Someone asked me what are the stages of critical discussion?

1 The disagreement is identified -what exactly are we disagreeing about? If you cannot agree on what the argument is about, you cannot have an effective argument. On what basis are we arguing? Often times, people are arguing three or more points simultaneously. Makes it hard to stay on topic and resolve any of them.

2 Agree on how the disagreement is to be resolved

What is our process? What rules of engagement are there? Do we have rules for arguing? We have rules for wrestling, boxing, even war, why not establish some for disagreements?

3 The positions of each party are explored in as much detail as necessary. If I am not even certain what your point is, how can we proceed? The way you are looking at it might make more sense to me than the way I am looking at it. We do not have to look at it exactly the same way.

4 The disagreement is resolved. (Mutually acceptable position reached. Or no agreement is attainable and we agree to disagree.) Almost 70% of disagreements, according to one statistic I read, will not/cannot be resolved. When we hear the other person out, acknowledge that their argument has merit (don’t even have to agree with it), many arguments simply run out of steam. We have no beef with our partner, they simply have a different point of view- not a big deal most of the time.

This is again information from the course-Effective Argumentation.

Check Out This Free Personality Test

www.Enneagraminstitute.com

Click on the "sample test" for 36 questions. Yes they are forced choice questions. You have to choose even though they are not always absolute or clear cut. It took me about 15 minutes to do it and you get back your results right away.

Why would you want to do that?

You learn quite a bit about your personality and what makes you tick. That is one of the goals of counseling and here is a free test helping you do it. It also points out some fears that you can face to help you grow and develop. A bonus feature, for payment to their website, is that you can see how compatible your personality is with your partner’s personality. Or go to another website and search “Enneagram” and “Compatibility.”

I find that people enjoy getting to know themselves at deeper levels and understanding why they do what they do.

If you are wondering how or why you are “stuck,” this might help even more. It helps with career changes as well.

I cannot think of a downside of knowing yourself even better.

  Most humans want more connection and deeper connection. How do we block this natural process?

Pay attention to yourself as you are reading this blog. Do you want to connect? What stops you?

Lack of disclosure erects a wall between the partners. This is a very common block. How can I get to know someone who has a wall up? It feels very lonely to be on the other side of a great big wall. Loneliness and social isolation are epidemic in our society.

Disclosure can be a quick answer to “How was your day?” or it can be a heart to heart talk.

So why do people block? Often the wall is set up to protect a secret rather than to protect the couple.

The wall should be around the partners. Let’s keep the outside world outside. Let’s protect one another.

The wall creates emotional distance which does not make the secret keeper feel better. The wall or defense is meant to make me feel better and I end up more lonely instead. Blocking connection makes me feel worse.

Your challenge this week is, to quote AT&T, "reach out and touch someone." Pay attention to how people respond to you when you attempt to connect.

Have a wonderful week!

When I stop listening and begin preparing my response, I stop listening well. I make it about me instead of making it about you. I want to make sure you understand me, more than I want to make sure I understand you.

That is not great listening.

When I am reactive to what I think I heard you say, that is not great listening. Common, but not great.

When I set aside my ego, my perspective and opinion and truly, sincerely listen to you, then I can begin to say I am a great listener. When I can listen, be engaged, keep you talking until I really get what it is you are saying, then I am on the right track. It is best if I also clarify what you said, just to be sure I got it.

When we fully listen, we eliminate many miscommunications. Let's face it, many of the problems within communication have to do with listening rather than talking.

Can I hear what is not being said and clarify that as well?

I do this presentation for Businesses because many of the rules of relationships are the same whether we have them with co-workers or family or friends and it all starts with words. Business is just a different set of relationships.

When I listen to a customer, I am giving of myself. I am showing them that I have their back, that I am trustworthy in that I can put my needs behind their needs.

Extreme listening is by definition an act of love.

We have all heard of an affair. We have all had a friend who wasn't quite "loyal."

Within a marriage, it is debateable what is "loyalty."
I see it as someone is looking out for my needs versus their own needs. Is my spouse's need more important than my need? Well, yes, sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. If her needs are always more important or very often more important, than we do not have a "we." This can get sticky with entitlement thinking. I am entitled to my spouse's ___________. That doesn't work well. Instead, we express our needs and preferences. The spouse takes those into consideration and prioritizes. If my preferences always lose, then we have some conversations.

Many of my clients say they do not feel like a priority to their spouse. The job is first or the kids come before the spouse. Rounding out the top items are Bowling and Golf, and the in-laws.

How else does someone show that they are not loyal?
Being unfair, lying, cheating, being cold and simply looking out for themselves. Remember, we are partners.

Someone accused me of being unromantic (not my wife) about this. "Don, why would anyone ever get married if it is this tough and this fraught with turmoil?"

Here are several benefits of a "good enough" marriage:
Mutual trust allows for greater partnership
Deeper love allows friendship to blossom and intimacy as well.
Reduces stress
Companionship
Someone with whom to share the duties
Someone who listens

There are more. Anyone want to list a few?