Someone asked me what are the stages of critical discussion?

1 The disagreement is identified -what exactly are we disagreeing about? If you cannot agree on what the argument is about, you cannot have an effective argument. On what basis are we arguing? Often times, people are arguing three or more points simultaneously. Makes it hard to stay on topic and resolve any of them.

2 Agree on how the disagreement is to be resolved

What is our process? What rules of engagement are there? Do we have rules for arguing? We have rules for wrestling, boxing, even war, why not establish some for disagreements?

3 The positions of each party are explored in as much detail as necessary. If I am not even certain what your point is, how can we proceed? The way you are looking at it might make more sense to me than the way I am looking at it. We do not have to look at it exactly the same way.

4 The disagreement is resolved. (Mutually acceptable position reached. Or no agreement is attainable and we agree to disagree.) Almost 70% of disagreements, according to one statistic I read, will not/cannot be resolved. When we hear the other person out, acknowledge that their argument has merit (don’t even have to agree with it), many arguments simply run out of steam. We have no beef with our partner, they simply have a different point of view- not a big deal most of the time.

This is again information from the course-Effective Argumentation.

The cop-out answer is, "There are none. Everyone is different."

The philosophical answers goes like this- When you have an expectation, you set yourself up. You can set them too high or too low. Rather than allowing marriage to unfold and be, we put expectations on marriage, as if we have some sort of control.

I am not even certain we can not have any expectations, but I have found expectations to be exceedingly challenging. For example, he says "I thought being married meant..." and follows up with something that sounds unreasonable to 50% of the world's population. "I just don't want to get hurt again," she says and we all know that is not realistic.

Being married means something different every year of marriage, every week and probably every day. Sure there are continuities, but expecting the future to look just like the past is a set up.

But then, how do you know what to expect? You don't. Neither with nor without expectations do we know what to expect. Live in the moment, be surprised and go with the flow. Be spontaneous- which essentially means we do not know what to expect. That is the joy of it. Stop trying to control the flow with your preferences, requirements, demands and expectations. They will not control the flow and likely you will have some negative feelings for not having gotten your way.

Let's be honest with one another on this. None of us really knows what to expect and this terrifies some people and others love it. If you are someone who likes order and control, the very notion of not knowing what to expect is disconcerting. Yet that is life. Just 'cause you expect something, does not mean it has to happen.

Take it a bit further and acknowledge that we all have preferences. There are ways I would like life to work out. When we really look at this deeply, we realize that our own personal preferences come from a limited view of the world. What I want may not actually be good for me. Do I still want to insist on my preference, then?

"I will only be happy when I get what I want," he said. I don't know about you, but I have had plenty of times when I got exactly what I wanted because I forced the issue and was more miserable than if I went with the flow and was spontaneous.

So what can I expect from marriage? Nothing with certainty. Well, except for change, death, hard work, some wonderful times, fun, arguing etc. I cannot control when I get these, so why do I grasp or try to control the outcome?

Good question. I don't have the answer for that. What did you expect?

Check Out This Free Personality Test

www.Enneagraminstitute.com

Click on the "sample test" for 36 questions. Yes they are forced choice questions. You have to choose even though they are not always absolute or clear cut. It took me about 15 minutes to do it and you get back your results right away.

Why would you want to do that?

You learn quite a bit about your personality and what makes you tick. That is one of the goals of counseling and here is a free test helping you do it. It also points out some fears that you can face to help you grow and develop. A bonus feature, for payment to their website, is that you can see how compatible your personality is with your partner’s personality. Or go to another website and search “Enneagram” and “Compatibility.”

I find that people enjoy getting to know themselves at deeper levels and understanding why they do what they do.

If you are wondering how or why you are “stuck,” this might help even more. It helps with career changes as well.

I cannot think of a downside of knowing yourself even better.

Is it Worth It?

Where I sit, it is obvious that some relationships will not, cannot, work. It just is. They have tried everything they can think of trying and perhaps held on too long. They love one another and realize that while it is necessary, it is not sufficient for them.

Letting go is also part of life. The vast majority of people struggle for a long time before making such a decision. It was not taken lightly and many factors were considered before making the split. Some take the easy way out and come up with lame excuses.

Last week, I shared what people tell themselves about staying together and how they get through the tough times. This week, let me share what people say to themselves when leaving. These are taken from the healthier part of the continuum of reasons for leaving. Let me just say that for the sake of space, I am again omitting the full context of their words.

“This simply will not work. She does not want to be with me. Her every action demonstrates it. I refuse to beg for her company or to spend time with me. We have tried both individual and couples counseling. She wants a very different level of connection than I want. I am terribly lonely. She has said she is not willing to do what it takes to change for me.”

“Maybe I am selfish and want what I want. I do not see it that way. I just want to be alone and not in a relationship with anyone right now. I do not want to have to answer to anyone anymore. I felt incredibly controlled in this relationship and it is going to take awhile to heal and trust again.”

“She was overly critical. It is like she wanted to change who I was. Why did you marry me, then? I am who I am. You knew all those things when you married me. If you didn’t like me or respect me, or you thought you were better than me, you should not have agreed to get married. I am a good man, not perfect, but I had to change everything about me to be acceptable to her. Why not just find a man who fits her criteria than try to change me into what she wants?”

“I do not feel valued or appreciated. I feel taken for granted and blown off a good deal of time. The last straw was that I perceive her as not caring, not wanting to even be around me, let alone feel connected. That hurt more than words can describe. I was not even of value to her.”

“We were simply a bad fit. He was a good man, didn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, no affairs, worked hard, good provider. We simply did not see eye to eye on a majority of things. We didn’t argue, but we also did not connect. There was nothing left except the children. I want to live life and it seems like this relationship died a natural death. Can we just acknowledge it and move on?”

“Our values do not match on some fundamental aspects. I do not trust his word. I think he is driven by money and prestige and I am not. He is more of a homebody and I like to be out of the house. I am active and he is pretty passive. I am religious and he is more of a skeptic. We do not want the same things out of life, let alone marriage. Many of our important needs, we need to get met outside of the relationship or they go unmet. That is not a marriage.”

Note: Not everyone sees the following as red flags. For those who do, they simply say they cannot come back from the event/issue surrounding the red flag- Workaholism, porn, gambling, overwhelming debt/spending, no intimacy or drive for intimacy, drugs/alcohol, affair, domestic violence, caught with escort/prostitute, no intimacy, prison term, major mental health issues.

I am sure I left things out. Anyone have ideas?

Arguing has a bad reputation because we do not do it well. We do it and it is painful and so we tend to avoid it. Many of us avoid it.

I am taking a course entitled “Effective Argumentation” and loving it. Essentially, how can we argue our points in an effective manner? How can we make these critical discussions work better and have an agreed upon set of rules? This is vital to couples counseling.

Here is what he talked about today-

What are the normative standards of a critical discussion?


1 We wish to resolve, not just settle, the disagreement (No capitulation/ surrender). In other words, I want to get to the bottom of it and truly resolve it, if possible. Do not simply give in because you do not like to talk or argue. Keep with it until it is done and then leave it done. This is easier when you do the following:


2 Each party has an equal opportunity to influence the other party. Power and prestige don't influence the argument like they do at work where the boss can demand you do it his/her way.



3 Each party is willing to resolve the dispute only on it's merits. Not using false reasoning such as "if you really loved me then_____"

Either what your partner said has merit or it does not. Nothing personal, just does their argument hold water? If not, we point it out rather than attack the person.



4 No artificial constraints like crisis conditions or arguing under duress. Allow it to happen organically. Do not force it. If you need to take a break, take a break. Need to continue it tomorrow because it is bedtime, that is fine.



5 Ideally both parties share a set of cooperative philosophies/values :

A We mean what we say

B Efficiency- meaning we will be direct rather than indirect

C Relevance- comments we make are germane to the subject matter

D Clarity- meaning the comments are clear not obscure

E Commitment to nonviolence -we will not use force if we do not get our way

F Freedom of speech -each person can say whatever they want to say

G Intellectual pluralism- there's no one right answer- we are having a problem solving discussion among equals



TO DO: Try using the above in your next argument and let me know how it worked for you.

Next week join us for more information about a coalescent argument rather than a combative, adversarial, zero sum argument.

In a Coalescent argument we all have goals, everyone is better off for having had the argument and there is “restrained partisanship” which means that both want to prevail and they hold themselves back by playing by the rules, fairly. That is how it saves the relationship.

Within a Coalescent argument, versus a combative, adversarial, zero sum argument, there are ways to effectively resolve the issue.


Principles for effective resolution
1 A party who advances a standpoint is obliged to defend it. That comes from the purpose of the interaction. The whole point of the interaction is that the person making the initial statement is trying to make a point. When they have made it, they are expected to say more about it if asked.


2 A party's attack (“attack” in arguing is not warlike, it is simply questioning the point in question)  must relate to the standpoint that has been advanced. Respond to the argument that is being made not bring in a new one. Not a misrepresentation of what was said. No attacking the person, just clarifying the point and questioning if the point is inherently valid and applicable.


3 A party may not falsely present a premise as an accepted starting point nor deny a premise representing an accepted starting point. Disagreements are based on agreements. If you do not agree on anything, you cannot have a healthy disagreement or discussion.



4 A failed defense of a standpoint must result in retracting it. You have an obligation to retract your original position if the position (your point) is proven to be false.


Arguments go wrong if we are heavily invested in winning or having the other party see it "my way." Or if there is an emphasis on ego and self identity. They struggle if there are logical fallacies- straw men and red herrings; absolutes (never, always); if there is something that is sacrosanct( beyond the pale of examination). Within the world of healthy arguments, no topic or idea is forever off the examination table. Social power and skill levels may be different and that makes good arguments more challenging.


Goal: When we argue, I would like us to be more in line with ideal for effective arguing so that we improve our chances of resolving things.