From the Untethered Soul by Singer

I love this book and hate this book. It really challenges me at my core. It is hard to do what it suggests and it is worthwhile at the same time. I see this next part as really liberating for those who accept the challenge:

The author writes that when we have parts of ourselves that we ourselves find unacceptable, we are not willing to see them. That is like living in Rochester and saying that it is not going to snow this year or that it is not snowing right now outside my window. Denying it does not make it go away, it simply puts us at a disadvantage when dealing with the reality of our situation. I cannot control whether or not it snows, I can adjust myself to the reality that it is snowing.

Accept that those parts of you that you do not like, they are still part of you. Feel the pain of being less than perfect, having flaws, making mistakes and then continue living life. Do not avoid things that remind you that you are not perfect. “If you continue to protect yourself you will never be free.”

Put your whole being into whatever is happening- not into your personal sensitivity. Have fun experiencing whatever happens next.

“Watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. Get rid of that part- if you don't want it, don't protect it anymore. The more you protect it the longer it stays!”

Allow yourself to feel disturbed. Allow every feeling to exist (as if you can control that anyway). Remind yourself that you are not your feelings, you are the observer of your feelings. You are the consciousness that observes.

3-6-14

Quick confession. As a couples counselor, a married person and a man, I find that to be a huge copout!

There, I said it.

Look, if you got past the first date, chances are near 100% that you know how to connect. So let’s deconstruct what you just said-

Are you really saying that you have given up and do not want to connect? You are done? You are just not that into your partner? Are you saying you are too lazy to try? Are you saying you do not want to do any more work than you have to because you are either depressed or overwhelmed?

Keeping it simple, let’s pretend your relationship ended and you have to go back out there on the market again. What would you do? Do those things with your current partner and watch how well you connect. Yes, you would spend time getting to know one another. You would be eager to spend time together and curious about them. You would want to put on your best face, be entertaining and fun. You would go outside your comfort zone in order to make them happy.

Men would focus on, and highlight, their masculinity, humor and intelligence, earning power and ability to advance. Women would focus on, oh, who am I kidding, I don’t speak for women… What would women focus on to attract the guy they want?

Think about it another way- I cannot connect to the Internet. My wi-fi connection is not good. What should I do? You know the basics, right? You would get up and fix it if you could-plug and unplug your router, call the help desk, try something. In some cases, you might need to get a new router or change your Internet provider.




Yes, I am saying that some people are more responsive to their Internet connect than to their spouses!

It had to be said.




Shoot me some ideas of what women focus on to attract the guy they want so I can spread the word.

Pay attention to your motivation.

Why did you just do what you did?

How often do we do things just to impress someone? How about to prove ourselves?

My challenge for you is this: Impress no one.

Be yourself, your full self and then you will impress others naturally and you won’t really care that they are impressed.
It will be irrelevant to you.
Impress no one with your clothes, your appearance, your possessions, your words or thoughts.

Relate to them honestly without needing to impress them.

Now, I challenge you to do this on Facebook, as well.

All the best,
Don

  Most humans want more connection and deeper connection. How do we block this natural process?

Pay attention to yourself as you are reading this blog. Do you want to connect? What stops you?

Lack of disclosure erects a wall between the partners. This is a very common block. How can I get to know someone who has a wall up? It feels very lonely to be on the other side of a great big wall. Loneliness and social isolation are epidemic in our society.

Disclosure can be a quick answer to “How was your day?” or it can be a heart to heart talk.

So why do people block? Often the wall is set up to protect a secret rather than to protect the couple.

The wall should be around the partners. Let’s keep the outside world outside. Let’s protect one another.

The wall creates emotional distance which does not make the secret keeper feel better. The wall or defense is meant to make me feel better and I end up more lonely instead. Blocking connection makes me feel worse.

Your challenge this week is, to quote AT&T, "reach out and touch someone." Pay attention to how people respond to you when you attempt to connect.

Have a wonderful week!

If not, chances are you had difficulty with either sending or receiving expectations.

TRY THIS:

“I would like to spend some time just you and I tonight, without the kids. I would like to cuddle/spoon on the couch and watch Big Bang Theory and then maybe turn off the TV and just cuddle. How about you?” You clearly know if you have done the above. You have taken the initiative of knowing your needs, communicating them directly and not demanding that they get met. You are open to your partner’s influence and negotiating a different outcome if that is preferable.

“I would really like to connect with you” is not a clear expectation. We cannot easily measure whether “connection” happened or not. “Let’s spend some time together.” One partner often thinks they meet the other’s need and did not. Let’s try again.

Frustrated needs are the usual cause for a fight/disagreement and hurt feelings.

Here are commonly stated needs

I would like:

1. To Emotionally Connect (This is not nearly specific enough. I have spent countless hours with guys helping them understand how to meet this need for their spouse. Please be specific.)
2. Alone time (How much space and time is enough? “If you won’t leave me alone, I will find someone who will” is the refrain of a country song, I am told.)
3. To cuddle (How long? All night, an hour, five minutes? Where? Which type of cuddle? Cuddle, leading to intimacy or not?)
4. To be physically intimate (Not specific enough for some people. You have the right to ask for what you want. Please be specific.)

To watch TV with you, sitting on the couch, without reading your FaceBook during the show (Yes, that darn smartphone takes attention away from your partner. Being physically present in the same building is not the same thing as “connecting.” The time does not even count as together time for most couples.)

PS Don't wait for next Valentine's Day to try this

Whatever you do, do not be romantic.

Do things that show her that you love her, that you have thought of her, have considered what she likes and does not like.

Do things that demonstrate you "get" her and are willing to follow her love language.

Listen to her.

Tell her or write to her what you appreciate about her, what you would miss if she were not in your life.

Be nice to her.

Consider doing a favor for her.

Consider finishing that project you started. Help around the house without being asked. Get a babysitter for your next date.

Let her influence you on something you both deem important.

Buy her a nice outfit and take her out, showing her off, being proud that she is with you.

Kiss her and rub her back without expecting further intimacy (no strings attached).

But please do not be romantic!

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I want things the way I want them. I have strong preferences and I assume that my way is what is best for me. When I let go of the control, there is no telling how things will work out.

Being out of control can be scary to people, very scary. This often depends on what happened in their past when they were not in control.

Please look at your life and when it is easiest to let go of control and when it is hardest. Do you believe that life works out and things are going to be okay? If you do, you allow them to unfold, to happen organically. If you have had the experience that sometimes life really hurts you, you are more likely to push or pull or somehow manipulate to get your way.

Do a quick inventory of what is challenging in terms of letting go for you.


Of what do I need to let go?

Here are some of the ones I hear the most. I have put them in the masculine form, though I hear the same trends from women:

Closure-issues from my past, hers, ours

Am I still hung up on what’s her name, my first girlfriend?
Am I comparing my wife with ________?
Am I still thinking about you-know-who at inopportune times?
Does my wife know I still have contact with what’s her name?

Can I let go of the difficulty we had when we were first dating, or the miscarriage, the affair, that porn thing, the thing she said about me to her family/friends?

Do I need closure about that guy she was dating before we met, or the time I thought she was having an affair and she denied it, or that time she was traveling and when she got back, she talked in her sleep.

Everyone lets go or else sleep could not happen. We have plenty of practice at letting go. Exercise your letting go muscle and be mindful of what it feels like each time you let go. There can be a freeing quality to it or a sweet surrender.

Here is to a week of experimenting with letting go.

All the best,
Don

More ideas from the juncture of love and spirituality. Let me know what you think:

Love and patience are connected. When I develop patience, I am more loving.

What are your obstacles to loving others? If you can list them, name them, then you can work to remove them.

Pay attention to that which matters. What matters, or is important? Not much. We take ourselves a bit too seriously at times.

What arises in your mind is reflected in the world. We do not see things as they are. We see things from our perspective, always seeming to reinforce our preconceived notions- proving ourselves right. If you do not like what you see in the world, consider what you are seeing is an illusion. It appears real, seems real, but is not totally real.

Face your fears about love and trust. You will find that you love more openly and deeply and that trust is an inside job.

We create our own reality. What reality are you creating?