I am paying more attention to two types of entitled mentalities when it comes to marriage. There is the "Take care of me like my Mommy did" and "I am a Princess; rescue me from life." Let me outline the extremes of these:The Mommy marriage is expecting the spouse to do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, make my lunch type of stuff and all I have to do is work at work and bring home money. Everything, or mostly everything else is on my partner.

The Princess one is the belief that you cannot stand on your own two feet. You cannot be expected to pull your own weight financially. You cannot be expected to do all the stuff around the house, either. And when tough things come, you cannot be expected to stand up for yourself and help yourself out.

On some level we all want to be taken care of. The catch is that it is a two way street. My needs to be taken care of are legit as are yours. First and foremost, I need to take care of myself. I am responsible for meeting my own needs. I can ask you to help me meet needs, as well. I do not demand it or expect it, if I am healthy. "I don't know how I will get through the day." "I just can't do any more than I am doing."

The entitled mentality has the person thinking that they somehow deserve special, unique treatment from their partner. There is no reciprocity, though, in the unhealthy relationship. Imagine this with emotional or physical health issues. One person takes the patient role and keeps it, rather than moving into different roles when they are back on their feet.

Being in relationship with someone who is temporarily not functioning is part of life. Someone gets a cold, a migraine, an operation and you give them a pass.

If they remain not functional, are not trying to change the situation, the whole relationship becomes dysfunctional quickly.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Often when a couple comes into counseling they are acting according to game theory without really knowing it. She tells him, "I want you to change first." He tells her the same. Each wants to maximize their own payoffs.

What are you really saying? "The problem lies totally with my partner, not with me. I am perfect. If only they would do it the right way (my way) this relationship would be wonderful. I have no responsibility in this relationship being average or below average. It is all their fault."

They do not realize they could both have a greater payoff if they worked together. In game theorIf it is "every man for himself," they do not get the very best payoffs.

Put the needs of the relationship ahead of your own needs and watch how well your own needs are met. Consistently put your needs ahead of the needs of the relationship and you suffer the consequences.

  Loyalty implies we have one another’s back, that we put “us” before “me.” When I heard the word "trust," I thought about a romantic or sexual betrayal, yet that is not the only way to betray your partner’s trust. Not following through on something you said you would do is also a betrayal. Not keeping your word. Regularly putting your needs ahead of your partner’s needs- acting in a selfish manner, being unfair.

One couple was working on the idea of who betrayed whom. She refused for a number of years to have sex with her husband and he cheated on her. He mentioned that her refusal to have sex or even talk about it was a form of betrayal/cheating.

Betrayal often manifests in a power struggle- career, choices with money, holidays, family etc.

Trust is the cornerstone and the main reason that many people get married. Once it is betrayed, it takes some time to prove oneself worthy of trust again.

When I trust my partner, Gottman notes, I can act with incomplete information. I don’t have to have all the information because I know you will act in my best interest. With mutual trust we deepen our love and friendship. We have more intimacy, freedom and less guesswork. This safety helps us deal better with stress, as well.

“My refuge is my spouse,” he said.

 According to King Ashurbanipal of Sumeria

Record-keeping in families (invented writing); cooking, baking technologies, technology for making beer and wine, writing poetry, making music, singing, religious rituals, making of cloth and the healing arts and science.

They started the first schools and universities

The Gottmans continue- Female society throughout the ages is generally more extensive and cohesive than for males, passed down this knowledge and grew it. Women’s status started to diminish with the rise of warfare and the societies changed the stories of the Gods and Godesses to one of male domination. With the rise of warfare, they devalued family and domesticity. The feminine in nature and spirituality and personal relationships became de-valued.

Peggy Sanday writes that Gender role specialization in hunter gatherer societies did not necessarily imply male dominance. This only happened half the time. In male dominant cultures, food was quite scarce and daily life was hard and there was often a lot of danger. Large game hunting was more valued than other food sources and was almost always a male activity.

In more equalitarian cultures, men participated in the care and raising of infants. Food was more plentiful and the environmental conditions were not quite as harsh. food was obtained by gathering and hunting small game.

Gottman goes on to point out how similar the equalitarian cultures are to our own and how there is a world-wide revolution in women’s rights.

 If you believe that a woman’s life dreams deserve to be honored, if only for the psychological health, then you believe in women’s rights.

Honoring their dreams will also help their relationships.

pp 69-71

The Art and Science of Love: A Weekend Workshop for Couples Gottman and Gottman