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How Sensitive is Your Insula?

9/3/2014

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Yes, this will help you in business.

Turn your attention toward a certain part of your body. Do it repeatedly and the insula, right behind the frontal lobes, becomes more sensitive to that area. You “tune in” by tuning in. Makes sense…

As someone who teaches relationship building and improving communication to managers, this information is vital. Consider the manager who is not quite self-aware at this stage of the game. He can learn to pay more attention to his own emotions, his inner workings and not only help himself, but help everyone with whom he interacts. The more he tunes in to his body, ie his heart rate, his gut, his feelings, the more sensitized he becomes. It becomes a great source of information for him. The more sensitive the insula is to your own inner workings, the easier it is to understand the inner workings of others- a key managerial skill or deficit.

Dan Goleman calls it the “inner voice” in his book The Triple Focus. (What is the triple focus?- Understanding self, other, and the larger systems within which we operate)  

I have worked with people for years to “trust their gut.” There is something beyond logic and rationale that often tips the scales in favor of a certain decision. We may have no idea why we should follow it, but when we do, we get it right. When we go against our gut, the results are often poor. Thank your insula for that.

Practice: How are you feeling right now? How do you imagine the other person is feeling right now?

If you practice, get feedback on and communicate about this process, you get better at reading not only yourself but others. Read others better and your chances of being better in the world of business improve.

Business is a series of relationships, if you want to be better at business, get better at relationships. Try on what the other person might be feeling and build your ventromedial prefrontal area. According to Damasio, it is what guides our most complex decision making.

As with any habit, the more you repeat it (correctly), the stronger and better it gets.

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Listening in the World of Business

1/22/2014

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How do I need to listen differently to make a sale?

How do I handle a complaint?

How do I read between the lines?

How can I tell if someone is literal versus figurative?

What different behavior might I choose when talking with someone who is indirect versus direct?

How am I inadvertently shutting down the conversation?



It is not what you say, it is how you listen, that matters most. And yet, most of us work very hard crafting our message and spend precious little time working on the skill of listening.




In counseling sessions, as well as when I am mentoring/coaching someone, we practice listening. Deep listening, listening to what is not said, listening to things that others miss... We practice clarifying and validating and then I ask people to try it in the "real world."




When they really have it, the feedback they get is amazing and the loyalty from family/customers makes them continue doing it.




May you be an awesome listener!




Oh, and if you would like me to come to your organization and train your management staff how to better listen, I would welcome the challenge. I do a ton of training and this one pays wonderful dividends every single time. 585.802.1273





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Emotional Intelligence at Work

1/6/2014

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Daniel Goleman writes about Emotional Intelligence at Work

Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions and relationships wisely. It applies to work as well as to romantic relationships. In the future, I will be adding more of these that neatly address both areas of our lives.

You have met the person who is brilliant and cannot handle life. They might have been a great CEO, if only.

Goleman reminds us that we do need intelligence and that while it is necessary, it is not sufficient for success. We need more.

He talks about threshold abilities- what you need to get and keep the job. How you do relationships and your feelings matters more to identifying a star at work.

To paraphrase: The 5 components of EQ, are: 1) self-awareness 2) controlled anxiety 3) persistence (discipline and drive) & optimism 4) empathy and 5) smooth interactions with others (communication, collaboration and teamwork).

Lucky for us, these abilities can be learned and polished.

Here, in this blog, we will have a conversation about these skills and abilities and how to build them so that your relationships are more rewarding. As a counselor, who builds relationships and improves communication, I love teaching people how to do this even better at work.

Let me know what you think,

Don
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Do Not Assume

1/27/2012

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_ Welcome to my first official blog post on this website. I had been blogging on another site and wanted to make it more interactive and more convenient. Please join in the discussion here on the blog.

 

I just did a facilitated discussion with a wonderful group of couples. We separated the men and women and asked questions for them to discuss. For example, what are some things you wish women knew about men and men knew about women? What do you wish you knew about the other gender? I also asked them to write down blocks to communication. For example, when women say ____________________,( “Do the dishes?”) what do you think they mean? They had to fill in the blank and then ask the women. We did the same for women to men.

 

For the most part, we do not understand one another, one another’s motivations and we think we do. When we think we understand and fail to clarify, we fail to communicate effectively. When we make assumptions rather than ask (we agreed that was the lazy approach) we fail to communicate.

 

We spent a fair amount of time of how to give a man feedback without him saying back “Oh, that’s right, I am always wrong. Well you do the same thing.” or “You think you’re perfect, don’t you.”  Even when he is in a good mood, she asks nicely if he would like feedback, it is still hard to hear criticism. Even if you do everything right, what he is hearing is that he stinks, he is wrong, you are better than him and you are the person who holds the truth about him. Overall, it is a negative experience.

 

Someone pointed out that when we get criticized our ability to synthesize information is compromised. We attribute statements poorly and do not hear it in the manner in which it was intended. What the criticism really was, was an invitation to grow closer. Here is what she was trying to communicate, “I love you. There are some things that are happening that push me away from you. I would rather be close to you. Let’s work on these so that we can grow more deeply in love.” I can assure you that the men do not hear it that way without a heck of a lot of practice!

 

What if we just allowed our partners to be who they are? What if we stopped trying to change one another and believed that they are acceptable as they are? What if we trusted the process of life that people will grow at their own pace and we can be supportive, we can set up an environment for growth, but we cannot change people? How successful have we been at changing our partners? Even when I, myself, want to change, it is really tough. How much tougher is it when we try to change someone who does not want to be changed? By the way, we have found that when we fully accept someone as they are right now, they tend to change. Ironic isn’t it?

 
We could have stayed another few hours but two hours was all we were allotted.

Thank you to the group who came and shared.


If we can get along as couples, perhaps as communities we can get along better. If we use those skills, there is great hope for this world in which we live.

 
All the best,

Don

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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