Imagine getting out into the online dating world and finding someone who matches you really well, but they are busy. Shoot, everyone is busy. We all have our own lives and schedules and trips and hobbies and families and jobs that interfere with a romantic relationship. You just met someone and next week you can see them again? That is often how it works!

How do you communicate when things don't go as you would prefer?

"I feel sad when you reach out and I reach back to you and all of a sudden, you stop. Do you want me to reach out a second time or leave you alone?"

"When we’ve been texting and you abruptly stop, I feel put off, ignored etc. are you sending me a message to give you space? How do you want me to interpret your behavior?"

"When we’ve gone out once or twice and I turn into your pen pal, I feel a little hurt. Are we just friends or withdrawal waltzing? Why won’t you come out to play? What message are you sending, because I’m hearing, "back off."
I’m not going to keep asking, if I don’t get a “yes” from time to time. Do you want to spend time or not? Do you not have the time to date? (Don't say this out loud- Are you interested in the "one hour a week" model of dating?)"

"I think about relationships and possibilities and enjoy being in person, not phone or texting. There are too many incorrect assumptions that people make over the phone and by text, that are not made in person due to body language cues. But if we settle for texting and all day goes by… that’s not an equal energetic exchange. I will take 50% responsibility and let you own your side."

"If you want some space, ask for it directly and specifically. If you hint, I’ll misread it. If it is unclear, please don’t expect me to guess correctly. My preference would be to have more verbal precision and less guesswork. Especially if we’re not communicating in person."

"I like to get excited about the possibility and the what if etc. I let myself go there and endure the discomfort as well as the enjoyment. But dating has quite a bit of pain for me. It feels like an awful lot of not matching and neglect. People are rushing into weird stuff, assuming familiarity and skipping the work necessary to build a foundation, such as getting to know the person. That takes time and effort and negotiation skills."

Let them know what you prefer and what makes you tick. Ask for what you want in a respectful way, minimizing the sarcasm and snarkiness, when possible. Cut them slack because you never know what they are going through.

​For those of you negotiating, consider looking on my website for Bayes Rule and for Nash Equilibrium. There are more ways to apply this than during mediation, however, that is what I wrote this article for. The 5 E’s are part of that process. If you are negotiating your divorce, use those two techniques and then evaluate your process using the 5 Es:
 
Process Standard 5 E’s
 
How well do the final agreements accomplish the clients goals?
 
Educated
The parties have a much better chance at achieving an optimal agreement if both have all the information relevant to their agreements.
By being educated regarding the objective and subjective goals of both parties, each of the parties can contemplate an offer, solutions or proposals, that are optimal for each of them.
 
Equitable
People have a fundamental belief that a strategic relationship should be equitable.
 
In social science research, this is called “the principle of reciprocity.”
 
When a situation is not equitable, people feel coerced and are fundamentally unhappy with the outcome.
People do not mind making compromises, for example, if they feel the other person has also made compromises of a similar cost.
 
Equitable does not mean “ equal” it means “fair.” When we look at the issue of fairness, include the subjective meaning of the outcome as well as the object of meaning.
 
Each individual agreement might not be equitable, but the total package of agreements, Incorporated into the settlement agreement, should be equitable.
 
Effective
Attorneys are usually very proficient regarding the standard, especially with regard to financial issues. An effective agreement might also include procedures for the parties to modify certain financial agreements, if that is appropriate in the case.
 
Equilibrant
The final deal is as good as it can be for both parties. If an agreement can be improved, as long as the other party does not lose, and it is not yet equilibrant.
 
Only when the agreement can no longer be improved for at least one party, without hurting the position of the other party, does an agreement meet the standard.
 
Envy- free divorce
The parties usually understand that they will leave the marriage with losses. If, however, at the end of the settlement process, neither of them would trade their package for the package of the other party therefore envy free, then the standard has been met.