Levine
Attached
 
Knowing about the thought patterns that deny you the ability to get close to someone is only step one. 
 
The harder step requires you to start to identify instances in which you employ these attitudes and behaviors, and then you can embark on the voyage of change. 
 
Learn to identify your deactivating strategies:
 
When you tell yourself “she is not right for me”, stop yourself and think. 
Ask yourself “is this actually a deactivating strategy right now?”
 
Are the small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back? 
 
If you thought she was great to begin with, you do have a lot to lose by pushing her away.
 
Focus on mutual supports, and deemphasize self-reliance. 
 
When your partner feels she has a secure base to fall back on, and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you can then look outward, and do your own thing. 
 
You’ll become more independent, and your partner will become less needy. 
 
(People whose basic needs are met aren’t desperately trying to get their needs met. They are therefore more independent. See the dependency paradox in chapter 2.)
 
Find a secure partner, not someone with an anxious attachment style who will exacerbate your avoidance in a vicious cycle -often perpetually. 
 
We recommend you choose the secure route. 
Why?
You will be less defensive. There will be less fighting and less anguish.
 
Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behavior. 
 
Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship. 
 
Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, look for a more plausible perspective. 
Maybe they do have your best interest at heart.
 
Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner. 
 
It is simply part of your makeup if you have an avoidant attachment style. 
 
Change your objective to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. Take time every day to think back on the events of the day. 
List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
 
Stop idealizing that one special ex. Stop and acknowledge that they never were a viable option and they’re not a viable option now. 
 
Remember how critical you were of that relationship with that ex and how leery you were of committing. 
 
Stop using them as a deactivating strategy -focus on someone new
 
Forget about “the one” -that is all a story you made up in your head. 
 
You have to be an active party in a process. 
Do not wait until “the one” (who fits your checklist) shows up, and then you expect everything to fall into place. 
 
You can make them into your soulmate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close, and making them a special part of you.
 
Adopt the distraction strategy. 
It is easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction -focusing on other things like a hike, sailing, preparing a meal together -will let your guard down and make it easier to access loving feelings. 
 
(See chapter 8 for additional avoidance, busting tips.*)
 
*Securely attached people keep even emotions in the face of threats, and it comes effortlessly for someone who is secure. 
 
They simply are not as sensitive to the negative cues of the world.*
 
Sue Johnson  - the clinical work and writings that creating true security in the relationship and recognizing that you are emotionally dependent on your partner on every level is the best way to improve your romantic bond. 
 
Dr. Dan Siegel helps people become more secure. He teaches people with insecure attachment how to narrate their past history in a secure fashion.
I have enjoyed sharing with you a few of the ten books I recently read about attachment. I go in spurts with different topics that catch my interest. Every few years I read a little more on attachment and the same information lands differently depending on who I am working with and what is going on in my personal life, as well.

Feel free to use the information to buy some books and do a deeper dive, or have a better conversation about improving the relationship.

​

​Amir Levine
Attached
 
They score lowest on every measure of closeness and personal relationships. 
   Less willing to engage in self disclosure, 
   less comfortable with intimacy, 
   less likely to seek help from others. 
 
A strong belief in self reliance can be more of a burden than an asset. 
 
In romantic relationships, it reduces your ability to be close, 
  to share intimate information, 
   and to be in tune with your partner. 
 
Many avoidants confuse self-reliance with independence. 
 
It’s one thing to stand on your own 2 feet, it’s another thing to diminish the importance of getting support from other people, and we cut ourselves off from an important lifeline.
(Think about politics for a moment. That person who thinks everyone should just be able to be self sufficient, forgetting that we live in a society that is interdependent. )
 
Self-reliance forces you to ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your own needs, short-changing you of one of the most rewarding human experiences. 
 
It prevents you, and the person you love, from the joy of feeling part of something bigger than yourself.
 
Avoidants have a generally dismissive attitude toward being connected. 
When something occurs that contradicts this perspective, they are prone to ignoring it, or diminishing its value.
 
People with an avoidant attachment style don’t always translate the many verbal and nonverbal signals that they receive and can’t read the cues. They appear to lack empathy. 
 
You train yourself to not care about how the person closest to you is feeling. 
 
You figure that this is not your task; they need to take care of their own well-being.
 
Instead of looking out for one’s own needs, you can shift to a more secure mindset if you open up and allow yourself to see the needs of the people around you.
 
“The person that I’m with is the problem -everything is fine with me.”
 
It creates distance between me and my current partner and confuses them. 
 
It makes them think that you’re truly craving closeness -when in fact, you are driving it away.
 
Even though you’ll probably never get back together with your phantom ex, just the knowledge that they’re out there is enough to make any new partners seem insignificant by comparison.
 
Not wanting to look inward, while believing that we all have the same capacity for intimacy, you conclude that you’re just not “in love” enough and so you pull away. Again 
 
Your partner protests and feels hurt, which strengthens your conviction that she is not “the one.”
 
You believe that once you connect with “the one” you will effortlessly connect on a totally different level. No work is necessary; it will magically work out. 
 
The belief is - I can’t find happiness because of other people -when in reality it is me that is getting in the way. 
 
They rarely seek inside of themselves for the reason for the dissatisfaction, they more rarely seek help or even agree to get help when their partner suggests it (couples counseling).
 
Change is not likely to occur without a deeper experience of empathy and acceptance or looking within. 
 
Their life is about a life of struggle -involving the constant suppression of a powerful attachment system using the deactivating strategies that we talked about previously. (Suppression is actively and consciously pushing down the feelings. Repression is pushing down those feelings without realizing you’re doing it. )
 
It really is all about self-awareness, (but they’re gonna call it being “woke”.)

​Amir Levine
Attached
 
Avoidance chapter 
 
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you tend to be less happy and satisfied in your relationship. 
 
You do not have to be a slave to evolutionary forces. 
 
The style determines to a great extent what you expect in relationships, 
how you interpret romantic situations, 
and how you behave with your date or a partner. 
 
You are always maneuvering to keep people at a distance.
 
You see others as needy and dependent, and view those things as negative. 
You ignore your own needs and fears about relationship. 
 
You seemingly despise others for being needy and are yourselves immune to those needs. 
***Is that really the case though?
 
They seem to be free spirits, the studies show that they’re not as free as they would like to portray.*
 
The style does want to connect, but they always maintain some mental distance and perhaps an escape route. 
 
Feeling close and complete with someone else is a condition that they find difficult to maintain.
 
They are using “deactivating strategies” -any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy.
 
Imagine how much energy it takes to do a deactivating strategy. 
 
What are some common deactivating strategies? 
   Saying or thinking to oneself I am not ready to commit. But still staying together sometimes for years.
   Focusing on small imperfections in your partner, for example the way they talk, Dress, eat and allowing it to get in the way
   Flirting with other people, a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship
   Not saying, “I love you,” but still implying those feelings
   Pulling away when things are going well, not calling for several days after an intimate date.
  Forming relationships with an impossible future, someone who’s married
   Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you
   Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain the feeling of independence.
   Avoiding physical closeness, not wanting to have sex, walking ahead of your partner, not wanting to share the same bed.
   
 
Your mind is governed by overarching perceptions and beliefs about relationships that ensure a disconnect with your partner, and they get in the way of your happiness, -that’s what it means to have an avoidant attachment style. 
 
You’re blithely unaware of this unconstructive thought pattern.
 
For example, “you can only count on yourself. “
“Relationships who needs them? Why would I waste my time being with someone when I can only count on myself?”