I had two experiences this week that were disorienting for me.

Here’s what I heard and clarified, “ I want to throw grenades when I want to and I don’t want you to have feelings when I do that.” Then I asked if I heard them correctly and they brought me closer.

“I don’t want you to call me out on throwing grenades- just take it no questions asked. Stop telling me that you hurt when the grenades explode because it doesn’t feel good for me to hear that. I feel guilty and I don’t want to feel guilty when I do that stuff. Why can’t you just stay quiet when I do that?” When I reflected it back to the person, they said it sounded differently when they said it out loud than when it was in their head.

​Can you imagine the reaction of someone hearing this statement?

Try this:
“I feel guilty that I said something that hurt you. I was defensive and didn’t want to take responsibility for hurting you. I wanted to blame you and protect myself and then I realized that my needs were trumping your needs, in my head and I don’t like that. I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry my words hurt you. I am sorry I keep saying things that hurt you and I really am not trying to hurt you. I will work on this and check what I say and filter a little bit more. I am angry at you, but the way I say it can be really offensive and disrespectful. I have a right to tell you that I am angry, I do not have the right to abuse you.”

​They have been talking about the fact that they don’t read each other well. Her signals and his signals are not the same.

They tried this: What signals do I interpret as you care?

Clarifying- “it is never about the surface issue and I need you to keep going, follow up questions tell me you heard me well enough and we’re tuned in enough to dig deeper- you want to know me and about me and my thoughts -signal me that you really want to know me for real”

“I feel cared for when-We have back and forth conversations (instead of data dumping)”

“You tell me anything about you that is friend level or deeper- not something that everyone knows. We’re in a special relationship and I want to know you.”

Let’s just say that the above was heard by the listener as an attack. The conversation went south, until more clarification and validation. This took an hour. They decided to try this on their own:

-What signals do I read as you telling me that you don’t care?

“When you Interrupt me, especially if I am talking about something from the heart.”

“When you change the topic of conversation when I’m hurting and reaching out for emotional support.”

“When I talk and you listen without commenting/acknowledging or demonstrating that you heard me or saw me. I feel invisible sometimes.”

“When you fix me by offering me a solution that indicates you didn’t fully get my point”

“That Matter of fact style to things that aren’t matter of fact in my world- it keeps feeling dismissive to me. Like you’d rather not deal with me. That I am an inconvenience in your life.”

I am a big fan of continuing to talk about the communication style, is it working for all involved? Are there ways to improve it?