As part of my job, I am witness to some painful interactions.
 
“It is hard to watch you work,” he told her. 
 
"You seemingly enjoy destroying people. Your colleagues call you “a lost cause, someone who doesn’t have a fully developed conscience” or a sense of right and wrong, “a damaged human, someone who sadly values money and power above people.” 
 
You’re going to find yourself on the losing end of bad behavior and it will come crashing down on you. You’ll realize that you created a mess of your life. You caused your misery, it is on you. 
 
You don’t have to live like this, there is help for people like you.”
 
The recipient of this heard the above as a compliment- that she was good at her job (attorney).
 
Imagine having a job that the person themselves feels like they have to sell their soul to succeed, and still doing it, when other options exist and are readily available. The word “Complicity” is not strong enough.
 
Would you agree with the label “psychopath”?

​I hurt

 Imagine hearing someone say the following and instead of listening to understand them, you made it about yourself by trying to “fix” the situation. You struggle with knowing they are in pain, to the point that your discomfort with their pain, outweighs your empathy for their pain.
 
“I’d like to eat without pain or allergy or without having to calculate the impact of the meal/snack on my blood sugar. I’d like to pee less and without pain. I’d like to sleep peacefully, without nightmares and through a full night. I’d like to sit or lie down without pain. I’d love to walk and predict that I can make it back with minimal/ no pain.
 
Then I hear people saying to just be grateful and how much gratitude they have. Kinda don’t feel grateful when in pain 24/7 and don’t really feel like apologizing for not being grateful for torture.” 

Sometimes it is simple.

Yes, if you are nice, your relationship has better chances of success. Not being mean or hurtful with your words... Thinking about the impact on your audience...

Years ago, a gentleman summed up an hour session with, "So, I gotta be nice to my wife?"
"I think that is worth a try," I responded.

6 months later he called me and said, "I tried that being nice. It worked."

He was not a man of many words. He liked simple and straightforward. He thought it made sense to be nice and was worth experimenting with it. It worked.

I believe there might be something in the Bible about being loving to those in need. Compassion follows from empathy.

Just a reminder, We’re all in need at different points in our life. You can relate to needing mercy and compassion, right? Have you ever done something and wished for mercy?
 
How often do you show mercy, empathy or compassion in your relationship?
 
Would you like your partner to help you after a stroke, car accident, surgery etc? OR are you self-sufficient even then?

​Homeless empathy
 
It is not about me being heroic or acknowledged. It is not about reinforcing the system of shelters (bandaid) or changing the system, unless I can.
 
For under $5 at Target, I can get 24 bottles of water. That should help for a couple days and if I know him, he will share his “abundance” with the other homeless guys I saw.
 
Don’t want to give money?
Give water. 

​Talked with someone who is in chronic pain. Their joints dislocate daily and it causes significant pain. Their spouse is not terribly empathetic. They know that the pain is real, but do not want to deal with the pain of their spouse.
 
Can you predict what happens next?

Imagine this couple talking about their fears, their hopes for the future and really allowing themselves to be open and vulnerable to one another, creating a safe place for support and holding themselves mutually accountable.

​Empathy and Responsibility
 
As a society, we often forget about our responsibility to one another, so absorbed with our rights.
 
A homeless person with a sign is at the corner-
Do you wish “someone “ would do something about it, forgetting that in this moment you just might have the ability, the power to alleviate a little bit of suffering?
 
How we treat the most vulnerable among us says….
 
Let’s say you don’t see yourself as the type of person who gives to others.
 
Would you consider talking to your congress person about how much money we give “the Military” but we treat our homeless veterans as if we don’t have enough money?
 
Look up how many homeless veterans there are in this country and why. Educate yourself from multiple sources. Just one source means you don’t care about the truth, just want to confirm the bias you already have. We are beyond that here. Let’s confront ourselves and challenge ourselves to do this with integrity. No cheating, no shortcuts.
 
Your empathy is too important.
 
Are you able to make the connection between these examples and your empathy in your relationship?

Empathy as part of moral development
 
We all like to think of ourselves as good people and moral. We do the right thing. That belief is often a mistaken belief. Our feelings hijack our willingness to help people, sometimes, even our partner.
 
Do you lean into your feelings or avoid them?
 
A homeless person is standing at the corner-
Do you look away because you can’t deal with your feelings?
Do you blame that one individual for a system that created 500,000 homeless people that night? Are you afraid that they might possibly not be homeless and the water you give them is them taking advantage of you?
 
Do you feel hopeless and that your $5 gift of a case of water “won’t do anything?” 
 
Play with that logic for a moment- Have you ever been incredibly thirsty and thoroughly satisfied with a drink of water, so much so that you never needed to drink water in the future?
 
Look at your answers to those questions and now consider your spouse/partner.
 
When you get discouraged in your relationship, do you give up or do you encourage yourself and look for a way to be better partners?