Sometimes people come in and they told me they want six pack abs and so they’re willing to do five sit ups a day.
I’ve done 400 sit ups a day for six years straight with a couple missed days I’m sure. I don’t have a six pack.
So if you’re willing to do 100 sit ups a day you won’t get there, 200 probably not, 400- I didn’t get there, maybe you would. I would need roughly 1000 sit ups per day to reach six pack abs. I know that my back starts to hurt after about 300. I don’t think I could do 1000 a day without hurting my back. Is it worth it to me?
Am I willing to do what it takes to get six pack abs? No, I’m really not.
So look at your goal and then ask yourself, “Am I willing to do the work necessary to get there?” Ask yourself if it is worth your effort to get that goal. Then be honest with yourself: is your goal realistic or is it that you want six pack abs but you’re not willing to work for it?
Gottman talks about the magic six hours a week. He talks about that being the absolute minimum in order to stay married long-term.
Well, I suppose you could stay married long-term but it won’t be a happy marriage if you don’t do the basics. Are you the type a couple there’s willing to do the basics to stay married or do you just want a good marriage without working for it? Go ahead, be honest, do a gut check.
Are you willing to go on a date once a week for a couple hours were you talk about the fun times and pleasant times and you just enjoy one another’s company?
If you’re not even willing to do this, then please don’t say that you want a good marriage. You’d like a good marriage but you’re not willing to do the work necessary. And that’s OK, be honest with yourself. That really is OK just don’t say that you want a good marriage. You wish for or dream of a good marriage…
If you’re unwilling or unable to spend 20 minutes a day or more talking about your day and connecting with your spouse, you’re not gonna have a good marriage. If you can accept that, then you’re either accepting that you won’t have a good marriage or you’re accepting that something has to change if you want a good marriage. You can still stay married without these things, it just won’t be healthy or good. Mediocre or poor are goals some people have. Heck, average is a goal for some people, but it won’t be good or fulfilling.
The six second kiss every single day: A six second kiss that’s tender and loving will give you immediate feedback. When somebody turns their head or says, “yeah I’m not really in the mood for it today,” it means something. You immediately know that there’s something off or out of alignment in the marriage. Do something about it.
That would be when you could use your One-hour weekly state of the union, where you talk about what’s going well and what’s not going well in the marriage.
You talk about “How can I love you more next week than I did this week?”
We are constantly improving - feedback loop.
Or you can use your 20 minutes a day connection to say, “Hey I just don’t feel well and I find myself slipping into depression I need to do something about that because I can feel that I’m pushing you away.” It is a tool that is at your disposal.