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Compassion with a Twist

4/22/2014

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Compassion with a Twist

 “You can tell how wise someone is by how compassionate they are,” someone told me.

I have always been impressed by that and am seeking to be more compassionate. It also helps with couples I counsel.

Recently, I read the book, “Making Friends with Death” which highlights compassion. Judith Lief had great insights that I would like to share with you:

Compassion has three components-awareness, friendliness and openness.

Distractedness and self-absorption are the two obstacles to compassion.

The warmth and appreciation that we feel when we begin to accept ourselves leads, in turn, to an increased appreciation of others.

Instead of hiding from the suffering of others, we could let ourselves feel its sharpness.

Each time we lose sight of awareness, friendliness and openness, we run into problems for we are no longer expressing real compassion but compassion with a twist. Our misguided display of so-called compassion does no one any good and may actually cause harm.

When we are in touch with our own pain and discomfort, we are not as threatened by the pain we see in others and can be present rather than try to fix it. (pp. 99-107)

Another twist is manipulative compassion-we are so determined to help that we ignore the objections of the person we are “helping.” We are more invested in the project of helping than in the person being helped. We look down on them and try to convert them to our way of thinking and doing things- making them more like ourselves. We act as if we know what is best for them. Not only should they want our help, they should be appreciative once we impose our help on them. When we do not go along with such compassion the person often turns to anger. We are also upset if the people we help do not show quick enough results.

Compassion Credential-we make use of other people’s misfortunes to bolster our personal identity as “helper.” We are known for helping; it is our image, our reputation. Those who cannot be helped are a threat to us. We want people to see how much we care, how much we tried to help. This can twist even further by feeding off the very people we are attempting to help. The “helpee” feels guilty, vulnerable and increasingly dependent on us. We need them to be weak so we can demonstrate our compassion. It is like parents who are threatened when their children begin to show signs of independence.

Rush Job Compassion-take time to look around, see what is happening and how best to help or you can throw money at the problem and not even look someone in the eye or feel their pain, not connect. We stifle our feelings and close off the possibility of openness.

Guilt-Based Compassion- We focus on how we believe we should feel around someone in distress and make ourselves wrong if our feelings do not match our “should.”  Nothing we do feels adequate in this situation- instead of simply allowing it to be, we act out of guilt to the point that sometimes we feel estranged and then get demanding of the person we are “helping.” The more demanding we are, the less satisfying it feels to help.

Heavy-Handed Compassion- We try to manipulate the tone of the whole environment- to ensure everyone is aware of the significance of the occasion. We take our task to help so seriously that we squeeze out the fun or lightness or spontaneity. We can take ourselves so seriously that we get caught up in our own importance rather than in helping.

A Solution?

Be in the moment with the person, open to their experience instead of having preconceived notions of how it should be, how feelings should be, how you should act. Be open to the person and let it unfold. Who knows, if you are truly open and vulnerable, they may help you. That may be the most helpful thing you can do for them.

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Death and Easter

4/17/2014

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Every year around Easter, I think about death. It is inevitable. We all die.




When I live knowing that I will die, I live differently. I try to live on purpose, consciously in the moment, fascinated with whatever life has put in front of me. I try to be curious, like a child, seeing things for the first time.




Or I could think, "This might be the last time I see this, make it count."




I tend to stop being petty, or complaining about stupid things. I tend to not criticize things that do not matter.




Death is the biggest letting go that exists. At death, we are forced to let go and during life, we practice letting go many, many times. The better we do during our life at letting go, the better we will let go at death.




Perhaps this is part of the reason I gave up things during Lent.




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Delight

4/10/2014

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Dropping off the little one at school, I heard peals of laughter, pure delight. They were experiencing something for the first time that we adults take for granted and I heard my cynical self mutter, "What's the big deal?" Recognizing that, I challenged myself to be like a new person to the planet. Every experience is new and intriguing, bringing forth deeper questions and opening my heart to the experiences that surround me.




How great it is to witness pure delight and to have it oneself. Experience something for the first time, again. Put yourself in that mindset.




Look around at all the amazing traces of Spring.




See the work of the Divine in all this and you, too, will have pure delight.

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Good Food For the Mind

4/3/2014

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Good Food For the Mind

What is the equivalent of “junk food” when it comes to thoughts? What thoughts add no value, yet take up my time, energy and resources? Hint, they are likely the ones when you overthink something, you obsess or ruminate. You cannot get the thought out of your head before bedtime.

There is a practice that suggests you fill your mind with positive thoughts instead, thus crowding out the unproductive and unhelpful ones.

Here are some of the lojong slogans. I have tried to keep the meaning of these as I changed the wording a tiny bit to make them easier to understand. I ask you to forgive me any mistakes in that process:

  • All teachings are about lessening the ego, lessening one's self-absorption, selfishness.

  • As long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will experience suffering.

  • The ego puts your needs first, cherishes your needs and tells you that the needs of others are not important.

  • Everything that you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result.

  • Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness.

  • Don't talk about your pain, your complaints and don't take pleasure pointing out, contemplating, maligning or judging the defects, pain, obstacles or weaknesses of others.

  • Pay attention to your role in feeling provoked by resentment. Remind yourself that you have a choice, you do not have to be influenced by outside events or situations.

  • Criticize others only if they ask for your input and do not humiliate them.

  • If working with these slogans makes you feel superior to others, pay attention to that and remind yourself that all comparisons are false and that no one is better or worse than you.

  • Focus on your own faults so that you may improve.

  • Work with your greatest obstacles first. Take responsibility for yourself. Pay attention to your conduct and improve it before looking at others.

  • Train wholeheartedly.

  • Liberate yourself by examining and analyzing: Know your own mind with honesty and fearlessness.

  • Don't compete or compare yourself with others, wallowing in self pity, jealousy, wanting applause or being petty.

  • Blaming others does not help you. Look for where you are responsible in every situation.

  • Be grateful to everyone and every situation has the opportunity to teach you something worth knowing.

     

  • Do good deeds without concern about benefiting yourself. All activities should be done with one intention- to help others.

     

  • Life is precious.

  • Everything changes and we all will die.

     

  • Experiences may seem solid, they are passing memories.

  • Examine the nature of your mind and awareness.

     

  • Rest in the nature of the present moment.

  • If you remain in the present moment, you will not be as predictable.

  • When you are surprised by something, sit with it and learn from it.

  • You know yourself better than anyone else knows you.

     

  • If you can practice even when distracted, you are well trained.

  • Develop patience and discipline- practice these slogans every day.

     

  • Always maintain only a joyful mind. Guard your thoughts.

 

  • Finally: Observe these even at the risk of your life.

 

 


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The Egalitarian Marriage Conundrum

4/2/2014

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New York Times Magazine article- " The Egalitarian Marriage Conundrum"

"In an attempt to be gender neutral, we may have become gender-neutered"

 I love when articles reinforce my experience in couples counseling. I see many couples a week and trying to describe this to them is amusing. When they get it, they all nod in agreement. Until then, they get pretty upset.

This article by Lori Gottlieb breaks it down really well. My apologies to her if I do not do it justice.

Brines is quoted, “The less gender differentiation, the less sexual desire.” The author writes, “Women do want the men to help out -just in gender-specific ways…couples in which the husband did traditionally male chores reported a 17.5% higher frequency of sexual intercourse than those in which the husband did none.”

“The risk of divorce is lowest when the husband does 40% of the housework and the wife earns 40% of the income.” If he does more of the ones our society considers more feminine, it affects the sexual relationship badly.

Why?

When there is a sense of mystery and excitement, an ongoing reminder of our differences, it is sexy. Gottlieb mentioned that with lesbian couples in which there is a high degree of intimate conversation, there is less sex. It is possible, the author suggested, that too much similarity in egalitarian couples leads to boredom and less sexual frequency. It might feel like roommates or siblings, not erotic. When it comes to sexual desire, biology seems to prefer difference. When it comes to emotions, similarity trumps.

It cited a study that suggested, “The important exception was women on the pill. On the pill, women selected partners who had similar immunity (a measure of similarity or likeness). When she comes off the pill, her hormone driven preferences change, and she may find she is married to the wrong kind of man.” We keep trying to maintain that our choices are not strongly biologically influenced. The truth seems to be that biology is a major contributor to our decisions, so let’s just put that into the equation if we want to be honest with ourselves about our motivation.

On page 29 it states that consensus-building and consent are much trickier in the bedroom. Each couple is really different and needs to talk about what they want and need and sometimes just go on automatic pilot and adjust mid-course. At that particular time, conversation kills the intimacy for some people. What you think is a good way of communicating during sex, might actually be counterproductive. Once more, every couple is different on this.

Note-talk this over, it is a good discussion point and may not be true of your situation. Be aware that sometimes people are a bit embarrassed about talking about their desires, their drive, their fantasies. Sometimes the fantasy does not make sense to the person describing it. Sometimes it does not make sense to the person hearing it. Sometimes the fantasy should stay in fantasy-land instead of in reality.

Talk about your expectations and realize that your expectations might not line up with reality. Set aside a couple hours and contemplate all the things that have to happen in order for you to have the opportunity, energy, brain chemistry etc. to be intimate. Let that reality be part of your equation when you set up your expectations about intimacy.  

Just because she feels closer to him and happier with him, does not mean more sexual intimacy, unless you are comparing that number/month to a husband and wife where the man is not helping at all. In other words, doing more chores, sharing more decisions hits a point of diminishing returns in the bedroom. In the marriage itself, the marriage is happier with doing more chores and sharing more decisions. Coontz writes, “…having a partner who does housework and child care has become a bigger factor in women’s marital satisfaction…”

Logic tells us that she is not sexually excited by watching someone do household chores. Sorry, not that sexy. She feels loved and supported, yes, not turned on. Still do it, because it helps the marriage. It is worth repeating that there is a significant payoff and it is not in the bedroom.

If the couple is more balanced with chores etc. and she sees his sweaty muscles as he is changing after coming home from the gym, that could attract her, but let’s face it, household chores themselves are not sexy.

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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