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Allow Yourself to be Disturbed

3/26/2014

From the Untethered Soul by Singer

I love this book and hate this book. It really challenges me at my core. It is hard to do what it suggests and it is worthwhile at the same time. I see this next part as really liberating for those who accept the challenge:

The author writes that when we have parts of ourselves that we ourselves find unacceptable, we are not willing to see them. That is like living in Rochester and saying that it is not going to snow this year or that it is not snowing right now outside my window. Denying it does not make it go away, it simply puts us at a disadvantage when dealing with the reality of our situation. I cannot control whether or not it snows, I can adjust myself to the reality that it is snowing.

Accept that those parts of you that you do not like, they are still part of you. Feel the pain of being less than perfect, having flaws, making mistakes and then continue living life. Do not avoid things that remind you that you are not perfect. “If you continue to protect yourself you will never be free.”

Put your whole being into whatever is happening- not into your personal sensitivity. Have fun experiencing whatever happens next.

“Watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. Get rid of that part- if you don't want it, don't protect it anymore. The more you protect it the longer it stays!”

Allow yourself to feel disturbed. Allow every feeling to exist (as if you can control that anyway). Remind yourself that you are not your feelings, you are the observer of your feelings. You are the consciousness that observes.

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What is a Good Husband?

3/18/2014

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What is a good husband?

Imagine if you will, a man tells you that he is confused. He continues, saying that he is a good father to his children, a high priority in his life. He communicates really well. He is a good provider in a job that he finds meaningful and does his share around the house, house projects, cooking and cleaning. He has several good close friends and would do anything for them. He goes to church each week, has high moral standards, gives to charity, keeps up on the news, watches a couple hours of sports on TV each week and is an overall nice person. He is intelligent enough and not clueless emotionally.

Sounds like a pretty good guy, doesn’t he? So what is the problem here?

The problem is that he is being told that he is not a good husband. Not being married to him, I have no way of objectively knowing if he is or is not a good husband. He tells me he knows from his wife that he is not a good husband, but cannot answer, “What is a good husband?”

We attempt to tackle the question and answer it objectively and we both realize that there is not a single answer to that question. The answer for the same wife likely will change as they both grow and develop. He has a different answer to that question than she does.

He returns with more answers from her and he is visibly upset. He tells me that there is no man on the planet who is a good husband, given her perspective. As soon as the criteria are met, the bar is raised, the expectations hiked up. At this point he is demoralized, way beyond discouraged. There were so many unwritten expectations that he felt set up by her. That is when it hit him. It is subjective and he himself had many unwritten expectations of himself and her, as well. By the way, we could just as easily have asked the question and substituted "wife" for husband.

Sometimes it can be helpful to review out loud or in writing what you expect. Are your expectations a bit much for any mortal? Are they consistent, attainable, measurable etc? You can set yourself up with your expectations so that everyone you encounter will disappoint you. Watch how and when your expectations shift, as well. Some perfectionists, rather than enjoy their accomplishments, ratchet up the pressure as if to prove that they are not acceptable.

Think about your criticism of your spouse/partner. Is your criticism reality based? Is it truly attainable and can any human maintain it? Do you change expectations when they meet the challenge?

No one, no one enjoys being criticized. Some are more sensitive than others. It is rare that criticism helps the situation, especially if the one being criticized has not asked for it directly.

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Never Avoid Pain

3/13/2014

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Been reading Fear no Evil and the Untethered Soul

I like both books and especially like when their concepts overlap.

Here is a challenging idea-

Never avoid pain. Pain is not a problem, it is just a thing. It is just a feeling, just energy, just passing through you. Let it pass through- no need to do anything.

You can handle it!!!
Tell yourself, "So what, I feel pain. "

Don't stop it from passing through.

When we stop it from passing through, you got it, it stays longer. Allow it to pass through and teach the lesson. Avoid it and you have more pain without more gain. Feel the legitimate pain without wishing things were different. Things are how they are.

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But I Don't Know How to Connect

3/6/2014

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3-6-14

Quick confession. As a couples counselor, a married person and a man, I find that to be a huge copout!

There, I said it.

Look, if you got past the first date, chances are near 100% that you know how to connect. So let’s deconstruct what you just said-

Are you really saying that you have given up and do not want to connect? You are done? You are just not that into your partner? Are you saying you are too lazy to try? Are you saying you do not want to do any more work than you have to because you are either depressed or overwhelmed?

Keeping it simple, let’s pretend your relationship ended and you have to go back out there on the market again. What would you do? Do those things with your current partner and watch how well you connect. Yes, you would spend time getting to know one another. You would be eager to spend time together and curious about them. You would want to put on your best face, be entertaining and fun. You would go outside your comfort zone in order to make them happy.

Men would focus on, and highlight, their masculinity, humor and intelligence, earning power and ability to advance. Women would focus on, oh, who am I kidding, I don’t speak for women… What would women focus on to attract the guy they want?

Think about it another way- I cannot connect to the Internet. My wi-fi connection is not good. What should I do? You know the basics, right? You would get up and fix it if you could-plug and unplug your router, call the help desk, try something. In some cases, you might need to get a new router or change your Internet provider.

Yes, I am saying that some people are more responsive to their Internet connect than to their spouses!

It had to be said.

Shoot me some ideas of what women focus on to attract the guy they want so I can spread the word.

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Allow Yourself to be Disturbed

What is a Good Husband?

Never Avoid Pain

But I Don't Know How to Connect

Don Boice
Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.

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Allow Yourself to be Disturbed

What is a Good Husband?

Never Avoid Pain

But I Don't Know How to Connect

Don BoiceDon Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.

Archives

Categories

Don Boice
Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.