I Am Married, Do I Still Have to Try?

This is a real question, by the way.

The person starts with something similar to what follows:

"I do not like the way we have conversations. I love talking and listening.

That is how I connect.

Ideas are my thing- they help my passion. My partner interrupts or interrogates, makes it about them or derails the whole thing and frankly I have complained and given enough examples that I do not want to keep trying. If we cannot even talk anymore, how can we possibly work out?"

This couple also had the Gottman information that shows how to listen and talk effectively. One party used it and the other did not. One party learned everything they could to be better at it and the other did not. The relationship withered.

Reader, are you surprised that a relationship dies when one party is working hard to keep it going and the other party wants something for nothing?

They do not even try to make it better.

No-excuse-living means that in this information age, the answers are not only in you but they are out there. If you have a question, you can get an answer. You can start working on any problem. If you are in tune, you take your partner and your relationship seriously, you can start working on it. No excuse for this and I have no patience for a client who does not try to get out of their own way. Well, okay maybe some patience at first, but if they are not willing to do the work, they will not succeed.

Can You Help Me Put a Positive Spin on This?
As a counselor, I try to find the positive and give people hope, when there is hope. Check out this situation:

Planning Process

Person 1 What would you like to do about X?

Person 2 Oh, yeah. Let's do such and such. 

Person 1 Oh, good idea. Let's do that. 

 

RESULT: Y gets done instead. 

 

Follow through was not done or done in a way that was opposite of what was agreed- killing any semblance of partnership. 

 

Always the same person. This same person states she does not get why he feels controlled and wants to leave the relationship. 

 

He is livid as he tells the counselor, "My needs simply do not matter to her. She is telling me that my needs will not get met, but she expects me to stay and to meet her needs. I keep getting surprised that she breaks her promises, but I am an idiot for continuing to believe her. I would guess she promises and delivers the opposite close to 90%. Why am I still surprised? What’s wrong with me, Doc?”

 

“She asked me what I wanted and I took her literally. We negotiated it and both agreed on a course of action. She said she would do it and I took her literally. She literally did the opposite of what she promised, again. I hate this! If she changed her mind, we could just renegotiate. She takes all the control and it becomes passive aggressive when she does the exact opposite. Then she acts so sweet and innocent and is shocked that I am mad at her. She does not have my back and keeps showing me that when she throws me under the bus like this. I feel very vulnerable and unsafe when dealing with her and then when I express this, I have to take care of her feelings because she feels insulted that I think she hurt me. This is infuriating!”

 

Counselor dilemma: I can teach all the communication skills in the world, but I cannot teach you to do what you said you would do.

 

Can anyone help me put a positive spin on this?

I really enjoy sex, talking about it, thinking about it, connecting etc. I read a ton about it and how to do it better- not just the techniques but the emotional part, as well. I work out regularly and keep my body in good condition.

This is a wonderful way to connect for me.

My problem is that my partner seems to care less. My partner refuses to talk about it, plan it and then when it happens, it is “less than ideal.”

There are times that I have considered myself really shallow for wanting to just get up and leave when we are done. It is like we are strangers, not interested in connecting, not interested in getting to know one another better in this way, not valuing intimacy (getting to know one another) and it grosses me out.

Several times after we have finished, I have privately said to myself –“this is the last time.” I feel like I am selling out. I deserve decent touch, decent kissing and decent sex and I have gently, tactfully suggested we read books together or go to websites (not porn) to improve our sex life. The reply is that everything is fine. We argue because I think my partner gets the benefit of all my work and I have to put up with substandard.

“Why do I have to beg for mediocre, middle age sex?”

As you can imagine, this is dicey. How do you tell someone that you would like to improve your sex life without offending them?

How do you hear this and not immediately try to improve?

Do you owe this to your spouse/partner?

Is this part of the agreement or are you allowed to simply withdraw and withhold this because your feelings got hurt?

At what point do we address the real issue here?

Selfishness and lack of reciprocity kill so many relationships. Open up to the other person and their feedback. If they say this really bothers them, why not take it seriously and do something about it? If you do not, you may be back on the dating scene sooner than you’d like and then that same complaint will come back.

Don’t assume that you are good in bed or a good kisser. If someone told me they didn’t like the way I kissed, how would I respond? I do not want to stay a bad kisser. I am pretty certain my feelings would be hurt, but if it were true, my personality is such that by the end of the week I would have multiple strategies to improve. How about you?

Ask for feedback. Work on how to get better with them or by yourself. It does not get better by itself and it does not simply go away. Commit to improving yourself in any area, sustain that motivation and follow up with the person.

“Here is what I have tried and done. Have you noticed a difference?”

Imagine at work, telling the boss, “I don’t care that you have complaints about my work. If you do not like how I do my job, too bad for you. You can’t tell me what to do. You just have to deal with it.”

No, you would do a performance improvement plan, come up with a way to do it better and then you would follow up.

If it did not improve, they would do something like progressive discipline. They would complain, bring it to your attention and cause and effect would kick in.

Either you improve or you get a new job. That’s how healthy jobs work and that is how healthy relationships work.

The Celebration of Mediocrity

Seriously? Half the class is honors students? Half the class has achieved something worth recognizing? Half the class is in the upper 25%? My math skills are not that great, but I think that is not accurate.

What a horrible message that people simply need to show up, not do anything special, and they get special rewards.

Try doing that at most jobs and see what happens.

Try doing that in a marriage and you’d have a 50% divorce rate. Oh, wait, we are there. 

Do You Believe in Cause and Effect?

“My wife says I have bad morning breath, so I do something about it. I ask her if it works and she says she likes it now.” Cause and effect

“Don, I told her about a smell that bothers me (I even used the Gottman Softened Startup) and she responded that I just have to deal with it. If I really loved her, I would not complain about such things.”

I think she does not get the hypocrisy in what she just did.

“We had a great conversation about love and how it would be wonderful if it were unconditional, which it is not and never will be.”

 Some people take advantage of their partner by placing way too many conditions. Others think there should be no conditions at all. Either extreme can have its pitfalls.

Should it matter what your partner does? I think it does matter. There are certain things that can sink a relationship and should not be tolerated. As I think of it, can you imagine a relationship that has more conditions than a romantic relationship?

You are connected. You cannot be too selfish and just do what you want without consequences- that is simply cause and effect, not the other person punishing you.

The law of gravity does not punish someone for jumping out a second story window. It simply is cause and effect, no judgment or blame.

Same thing for relationships- neglect them and they wither.

The plant does not punish you for not watering it for 3 weeks, it simply dies- cause and effect. If you don’t have the right soil for that particular plant, it will not grow – cause and effect.

The next question is more of a statement and one that gets repeated quite a bit. 


My partner neglects their hygiene and/or their mental hygiene. They do not take care of themselves.

I do not mind him/her getting depressed, but not doing anything about it makes my blood boil. I do not find him/her attractive when they are that unhealthy and unwilling to address it. Show some initiative and do something to address it or it is a big turn off. Exercise, eat right, take the medicine the doctor told you to take, challenge your negative thoughts- but for God’s sake do not sit there and play the innocent victim role. You have a responsibility to yourself, your job, your family and to me to do something to get better.

I have compassion for their situation, that does not mean I want to be romantic when they are like this.

The challenge with Depression is that there is very little energy to do what needs to be done. The person has to force the issue to get a shower or other activities of daily living, some days. How the family member or partner asks is of utmost importance. While they may be really angry at the person who is depressed, they need to drain some emotion and just come at it matter of factly. "I would like you to take a shower today. It is time. If you need help or support in doing it, let me know, but it needs to happen today."

When someone is depressed, their bandwidth is compromised and it can be really challenging to have a deep meaningful conversation. I tend to reduce the conversation to statements that express a need. This is not the time to complain or process the relationship. When things are better, you can do that. 

Suggestion for the partner or family member: Consider attending NAMI meetings to get support for yourself and your loved ones. Consider reading an article or a book on how to be supportive of them, while keeping yourself in good shape.

Next question:

How do I tell my partner that our relationship is less than ideal, that they are doing some things that really bother me, even though they are not deal breakers?

I asked the person to tell me, to script it and here is the result- “You know how you have told me that you are not good in relationships? You need help learning how to be a better partner, that it does not come naturally. No one has volunteered to teach you and you feel the need to learn. It is now up to you, honey, to get the info. You need to teach yourself or get information that will help you be better in relationships.”

I asked the person to be more specific in prompting the partner. For example, John Gottman, PhD is the foremost researcher in relationships. He has multiple (free) YouTubes and has a website on which he sells a Weekend Couples Retreat (in a box). There are many hours of cutting edge research and information that is 100% relevant to their concerns. They could learn it in 14 hours or so, then practice it with the workbook provided and the decks of cards, they could get in more repeitions.

In essence, you take away the excuse that they do not know what to do.

Note: I have seen this backfire. They bought the product and started working on it and the partner said, “how come we have to do it your way?” Fair question.

“We don’t. What other options would you suggest?”

Would you believe that they chose to not go through that material, not find other info, not talk to friends about improving it and the relationship did not magically get better? (I apologize for the dripping sarcasm)

Relationships take work. Do the work. Show initiative. If you care about it, you demonstrate that by action, not just by words. Don’t tell her that you love her, show her. Do the work.

Have you ever been asked the same question over and over?

There are some incredibly common questions from couples, because we all have so much in common. Let me lay them out for you and let me know what you think. Weigh in on your perspective or an answer that might help.
Thank you in advance for doing that.

I have people ask me questions all the time or give suggestions. Every now and then I notice themes and patterns and feel compelled to share those. I have asked people if it is okay for me to share and the overwhelming response is that relationships are so hard that if their struggle can help someone, by all means share, just do not give names or identifying info.

Perhaps the biggest theme is:

Am I being fair?

Most people want to be fair and just and do not want to be unfair or unjust. They do not want to be unreasonable and they then tell the story.

Their partner has asked a question, the equivalent of which is “Do I have to pull my own weight in a relationship?”

My response is usually to clarify. “Are you telling me that they are saying ‘Why can’t I get something for nothing?’”

I do the typical counselor thing of asking them what they think. The best response I heard was, “Are you telling me that you do not want to have an adult relationship with me?”

Let’s call things what they are. Let’s be honest with ourselves and with one another.

My challenge to you is to answer that question for yourself before you ask someone else. Do you think you are being fair? Would an outside observer of your behavior agree that you were being fair? Is your partner indicating that you are being unfair and providing evidence?