Have you ever had one of these experiences?


I tell you my perspective and instead of no or yes or taking responsibility, or validation-the response is “you do it, too”.


I am really not sure what to do with this and i shut down because that’s a conversation killer. No need to keep talking if I’m dismissed. I hear that as a back off or stop the talking then you’re bothered by me not talking.


Not sure why you’re saying what you’re saying and you won’t tell me but I’m labeled as shutting down. Never did understand that perspective.


I had to prompt you to listen. You struggled letting me have the floor or expressing my opinion. That’s not really my issue to address. I have to address my response to your issue.


There are some things that seem to me could only be resolved by talking. We set up talking then didn’t do what was agreed upon. What was the point of agreeing upon them if not even two sentences in, it is not followed? I don’t get that.

​How do you respond when this experience occurs?

“When you’ve hurt someone, even if you don’t think what you did was sufficient to hurt, or ill intentioned, can you give a heartfelt apology with describing how you’re ensuring that it will not happen again? I would find that reassuring if you did that with me.”

Okay, we’re getting closer to deep communication. What if the speaker had said, “When I feel hurt and tell you that I feel hurt, could you give me full empathy?”

​That is expressing a need, without accusing or telling her about her actions.

“Sometimes when I talk, I feel like I am not fully heard or understood. I really value feeling understood.”

Compare that with, “Can you not do the things that emasculate?”

The first statement talks about my need, I tell you about me. I describe rather than label.

​The second statement is accusing her of emasculating (which may be true, but the delivery means she is unlikely to hear me. If I want to be heard, I should try telling her in a way that can be heard.) In other words, I am telling her about her. I am defining and labeling what she is doing.