​Imagine asking your partner for something you consider reasonable. They tell you they will do their best and cannot seem to do it. You realize it will never happen the way you want and you have to decide whether or not it is a deal breaker. They try to talk you into staying, saying they will change. After all, they just told you they were all in. Deep inside, you don’t believe they will but you don’t want to be alone or you think they have so many redeeming qualities that it is worth it to overlook.
 
A month passes and that simple thing grows into a deal breaker. The “all in” was what they wanted to do, not what they actually did. You know it is not going to change and you don’t want to be a complainer, harping on things that cannot change. What do you do?
 
If it is a deal breaker, you break the deal. It really is that straightforward. Stop overthinking it, please.
 
If it is not a deal breaker, you get yourself together and focus on things that put you in a good mood. When you are in a good mood, you have more emotional resources at your disposal and, you’re in a good mood! Oh, and when you’re in a good mood, have you noticed that the mood of others around you seems to be impacted? Not sure there’s a downside to focusing on the positive, after you’ve acknowledged the negative or neutral and realized what is in your control.

“I know I need time to debrief myself after a hellish day at work. I’m an introvert, but you ask me to rush home to be with you. I want to be with you and cuddle and talk. I rush home to be with you and you are exhausted by the time I get there (20 minutes). I was disappointed that I didn’t get what I needed and you got what you needed (me home) and I want you to have my back when you say to rush home to you."
 
If you had to guess, the next time she asks him to sacrifice his needs for hers, what is going to go through his mind?
 
Will he sell himself out repeatedly and over accommodate or will he make sure his needs are met?

Go ahead and have the courage to address the situation.
Practice being brave and saying what you need to say in a good way.

To get even more from it, try this from Ken Cloke, “Clarify and reinforce what was learned from the conflict, and use it to improve and evolve to higher levels of conflict and resolution.  Move the conversation toward forgiveness and reconciliation.” 

What you are looking for is a change, a need to be met. How you ask for it is important. Would you be willing to...is a great way to start that conversation, asking for what you need.

​Here’s another one I hear quite a bit, in my words to protect the speaker,
“I get that life happens and it is also true that there is a penalty imposed for getting close to you. I am wary of getting close to you because you don’t seem to like it. You talk about how much you’re looking forward to seeing me at night and cuddling etc.
 
You repeat that you can’t wait -a couple times (which I understand to mean something different than you mean). Those words have begun to push me away because I have associated them with what invariably happens next. Nothing. You seem bored that I am there. You barely talk to me and you interrupt when I talk. What exactly were you looking forward to? I got my hopes up that we could have a good conversation, kiss, cuddle etc and it is frustrating to not be able to trust that what you say is going to happen, will happen. I’d like to talk about our cycle of doing this.”
 
Please ask yourself, do your words and actions match?
When you say something, do you follow through?
If you change your mind about what you said or promised, how do you communicate that to your partner?
If you are now tired, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, how do you let them know?
 
Along those lines, people are always asking about the dating world and how it works. First, keep your word. If people find out that your word is not good, the rest is not going to help.
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Two keys to dating are agreeableness and conscientiousness.
Are you aggressive or agreeable?
Are you conscientious and considerate of the other person, anticipating needs they will have and tuned in or is it too much to ask?
Are you so busy with what is going on in your world, that you have become self-absorbed and have no time for your loved one?